Insanity Takes Over: The Fanfic From Hell
by Snow Lane
Summary: Began as an ongoing story at Hey Arnold Forum. Read the prologue for more information.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Before I go on, to make this clear to everyone, this is an ongoing story that came from The Hey Arnold! Forum. I'm sure every board has its share of ongoing stories. But I doubt any are as abnormal as this. 

Origin 

I suppose it all started in the topic of what may have happened if Helga had never taken back everything she said in the movie. Carmhelga, the creator of this, began by taking a suggested scenario and writing a short story. Eventually Arana Mai became involved and everyone wanted to join in on the fun.

Plot 

Helga stays home from school one day and Arnold goes over to drop off her homework. He finds her shrine and poetry. I wish more could be revealed, but the more I say, the more the story will be ruined.

Rating 

This story will be rated R for language and content. As of right now, it is rated PG-13 until the later chapters. This fanfic is where we first see people devouring an Arnold sundae. There are some sex scenes within the novel. Violence is also present. And of course, language. I guess you could say we swear like sailors do.

Characters/ Writers 

Most of the writers loved throwing themselves into the fanfic. This fic also brings in characters from all sorts of shows, movies, books, and plays. We incorporated people from commercials such as Carrot Top, so the more extensive knowledge you have regarding pop culture the better. Below is a list of writers, not necessarily in order of appearance or order of participation.

CarmHelga (aka Carm)

Arana Mai (aka Arana)

Pixie

Pop

Tyra

Rookee

Danie

TADAH

Snow

TeenageFBI (aka Teen or TeenFBI)

Phoenix

Kim Burk (aka Kim)

HelgasLostTwin (aka HLT)

Helgacrazy

Emmie

Brent

Bowie 3 (aka 3)

I think that's everyone.

Conclusion 

I think I've covered all the basics. It may take me a while to post this thing in it's entirety, so if you get tired of waiting, go to **http://pub5.ezboard.com/fheyarnoldwriting.showMessage?topicID=580.topic**

On with the story!


	2. Going to Helga's

(A visit by Arnold to Helga's house... for some reason... maybe she took the day off from school sick and Arnold brought her her homework.)  
  
(Outside PS 118)  
Sid- You have to drop off Helga's homework!  
Stinky- I recon I wouldn't do that for a whole dollar.  
Gerald- You know, you can always back out, Arnold.  
Arnold- Come on you guys. How bad could it be?  
(the other boys exchange looks)  
  
(At the Pataki House)  
(Arnold knocks on the front door. Miriam answers)  
Miriam- Oh, you must be one of Helga's little friends from school.  
Arnold- Yeah, I'm Arnold.   
Miriam- Oh, aren't you sweet. Well Helga's not feeling good today, so she can't come out and play.  
Arnold- Actually Mrs. Pataki, I came to drop off Helga's homework from school  
Miriam- Oh. Okay, well she's upstairs in her room.  
(Miriam walks dumbly away to the blender in the kitchen)  
Arnold walks inside. He has no idea where Helga's room is. He walks up the stairs, and opens a door. Big Bob is inside setting up a television in his room.)  
Arnold- Oh sorry.  
Big Bob- Hey gimmie a hand, will ya?  
(Arnold walks into the room, and helps Bob get the tv set up.)  
Big Bob- Thanks a million kid.   
Arnold- No problem Mr. Pataki.  
(Arnold leaves the room, and tries another door. He opens it to a dim lit room. He can see someone sleeping in the bed.)  
Arnold- (Quietly) Helga?  
(Helga stirs a little, but doesn't wake up. Arnold walks in, and sets the homework sheet on her desk. He turns, and notices her closet light is left on. He goes to turn it off... He opens the door, and reaches for the light string. But just when he is pulling down on it, he notices something behind her rack of clothing)  
Arnold- What....is that?  
(Arnold pushes the clothes aside, and sees before him a statue made of bubblegum.)  
Arnold- Gross!  
(Arnold leans in to take a better look)  
Arnold- Its.....Bubblegum! Whoa, Helga is weirder than I thought.  
(He backs away in disgust, tripping over a stack of books. He picks one up and opens it)  
Arnold- "Arnold, my love, my sultry preteen,   
Why must I hold you only whilst I dream?   
Will I be forever enslaved by your spell?   
Why must I worship you and never ever tell?"  
It's gotta be another Arnold!  
(He continues reading)  
Arnold- "Arnold, you make my girlhood tremble,   
My senses all go wacky.   
Some day I'll tell the world, my love,   
Or my name's not Helga G. Pataki."  
(Arnold closes his eyes and rubs them hard, thinking he was misreading it. He looks back down, and the words are clear as day. He hears Helga mummble something in her sleep. He stands up, book in hand, and walks out of the closet. He hopes to just make an easy escape, but he finds

(Arnold closes his eyes and rubs them hard, thinking he was misreading it. He looks back down, and the words are clear as day. He hears Helga mumble something in her sleep. He stands up, book in hand, and walks out of the closet. He hopes to just make an easy escape, but he finds that Helga isn't asleep anymore....)  
Helga- Who's there?  
Arnold- Uh...It's me...Arnold.   
Helga- Arnold!? What are you doing in my room?  
Arnold- I, oh, I came to bring...your homework from school today.  
Helga- Oh, leave it on my...(Sitting up) were you in my closet!?  
Arnold- No! I...I didn't see anything!  
Helga- (getting up out of bed) That's private Arnold! What were you doing in there!  
Arnold- I'm sorry! I was just turning off the light you left on! I didn't mean to look.  
Helga- YOU LOOKED!? (Jumping at the closet door, and slamming it shut)  
Arnold- I didn't know! I'm sorry!  
Helga- GET OUT!  
Arnold- I...  
Helga- I SAID GET OUT NOW!   
(Arnold runs out of Helga's room, and rushes home. Helga is mortified)  
Helga- Oh why?! Why did he have to look? He saw everything!!! I'm ruined! He'll tell everyone my darkest secret, and I'll be ridiculed for the rest of eternity!!  
(Helga weeps, and enters her closet shrine. She looks at the bubblegum Arnold head, then down at the pile of fallen books.)  
Helga- ONE'S MISSING...!  
(She passes out)  
  
(The next day at PS 118.)  
Gerald- Where were you last night Arnold? I tried to call. Your grandma wasn't speaking English, which made it harder.   
Arnold- Huh? Oh, I was just out.  
Gerald- Out where?  
Arnold- Walking.   
Gerald- Did you bring over Helga's homework?  
Arnold- Yeah.  
Gerald- Was she really sick, or was she faking it so she didn't have to take the math test today?  
Arnold- She....yeah, she's really not feeling well...  
Phoebe- She has the flu.  
Arnold- Yeah....the flu...  
Gerald- Are you okay, Arnold? you seem distracted.  
Arnold- I'm fine...I need to go on a walk.  
Gerald- Well, recess is in like 10 seconds!  
(The bell rings, and they all go outside for recess. Arnold is walking around, and Gerald runs to catch up with him)  
Gerald- Arnold, come on, what's up? You're not acting like yourself. Was it something at Helga's house? Cause I know her dad is kind of a pain in the-  
Arnold- Gerald, you promise not to tell anyone?  
(Outside, on the steps of Sunset Arms)  
Gerald- So what are you going to do, Arnold? You can't just avoid her forever...  
Arnold- I wasn't planning on avoiding her.  
Gerald- I would,  
Arnold- Gerald,  
Gerald- What? Okay, okay, I know you wouldn't do that. What are you planning to do?  
Arnold- I don't know. But I think I should at least talk to her. Say I'm sorry for nosing around in her room.  
Gerald- I thought you said it was by accident  
Arnold- It was. But I guess I could have just left the light on...  
Gerald- Arnold, your taking this way to seriously. Okay, so Helga Pataki loves you, we're in the fourth grade! It's not like your going to get married!  
Arnold- How do you know?  
Gerald- You mean you like her like her?  
Arnold- I didn't say that. I'm just saying, anything is possible  
Gerald- Whatever, can we go do something, I'm bored of talking about Helga.  
Arnold- Yeah okay.  
  
(Arnold and Gerald head over to Gerald Field. Other kids are there playing a small game. They join. In mid-game, Phoebe walks onto the field)  
Harold- Phoebe? Are you going to play?  
Phoebe- no thank you Harold, I'm just here to give Arnold a letter.  
Harold- Oooo, Arnold has a love letter!  
(Phoebe ignores Harold, and hands Arnold the letter. Everyone looks at Arnold, as if expecting him to open it and read it aloud. Arnold walks away.)  
Sid- Hey! Where are you going?  
Stinky- Who's it from, Arnold?  
Sheena- Who's going to play short stop?  
Harold- Bring me back a sandwich!  
Helga: Don't come in! I'm Naked!  
Arnold: LEMMIE SEE!!  
Gir: I'M NEKKID!! WHEE HOO!!

(Helga grabbed her robe, and tied it while running down stairs, and out the front door. She kneels down to Arnold, and smacks him lightly in the face)  
Helga- Arnold, Arnold! Wake up, your fine.  
Arnold- (Dizzy) wha? What happened? (Rubbing his head)  
Helga- I beaned yah. Sorry.  
Arnold- Geez, thanks.  
(Arnold gets to his feet. Helga stands, and turns to walk inside again)  
Arnold- Hey, where are my keys?  
Helga- (looking where she thought she saw them land) Right there... Uh, I don't know.   
Arnold- You threw them! Find them!  
Helga- (Looking around in the street) oh for God's sake, Arnold. I don't know where they went! Find em yourself.

Arnold- Well if you hadn't stomped on my foot, I wouldn't have dropped them!  
Helga- And if you hadn't bothered me in the first place, then you could be home right now!  
Arnold- Well if you hadn't been sick,  
Helga- Crimeny Football head! I can't help when I get sick!  
Arnold- Well you should eat more vegetables.   
Helga- What are you, my fucking dietician now?  
Arnold- No, ugh, forget it!  
(Arnold walks away.)  
Helga- (Yelling to him as he leaves) Ha! I won!   
(Arnold flips her the bird, and turns the corner. Helga walks back into the house)  
Helga- Yup. He wants me.

(Helga walks back into her room, and sees keys on her bed.)  
Helga- What the-? I just threw these out the window...! Didn't I?  
(Helga looks out her room, and notices she threw her shoe out the window.)  
Helga- Honestly Helga, how do you mistake your shoe for keys?  
(Helga smacks herself on the head.)  
Helga- Well, guess Arnoldo won't be able to get in his house!  
(Helga sits looking smug. Then starts fidgeting...then twiddles her thumbs...)  
Helga- OH FINE!   
(Helga throws on her regular clothes, and heads to Arnold's house. Helga stops suddenly when she turns the corner, and sees Phoebe.)  
Phoebe- Helga?  
Helga- Oh hey.  
Phoebe- Are you feeling better?  
Helga- No, not really. Stupid Arnold left his keys at my house. I'm just bringing them back.  
Phoebe- Oh, well can I come with.  
Helga- Uh, why?  
Phoebe- No reason, I just don't have anything to do.  
Helga- Er, okay, I guess.  
(Helga and Phoebe head to Arnold's. Arnold is sitting on his front steps with Gerald, Sid, Rhonda, Stinky, Sheena, Harold, and Lila.)  
Gerald- Hey look, there's Phoebe!   
Rhonda- And Helga...  
Helga- Nice to see you too Rhonda.  
Phoebe- Hi Gerald.  
(Phoebe and Gerald blush)  
Helga- Here's your keys Football Head. You should learn to take better care of them.  
Arnold- (Dully taking the keys) Thank you Helga...   
(Arnold opens the door, and holds it for the kids to enter.)  
Gerald- Hey Arnold, can Phoebe come too? That is, if you want to Phoebe,  
Arnold- Yeah sure.  
Phoebe- Oh, what about Helga?  
Helga- Me? Pff. Like I'd want to hang out with those losers  
Phoebe- Come on Helga, we're going to play a game. Unless you don't feel up to it,  
Helga- Not feel up to it? What game is it?  
Gerald- We're going to play truth or dare.  
Helga- Crimeny, we play that all the time! We know enough about everyone already! It's a stupid game  
Gerald- Come on Phoebe, she's not up for the challenge  
Arnold- Gerald,  
Gerald- What?  
Arnold- (Whispers) I don't really want Helga to play.  
Gerald- Come on Arnold! We could drag the truth about her poem book!  
Arnold- *sighs* I don't know, I guess I don't care anymore.  
Helga- Alright, I'm in. Show me to the playing field!  
Phoebe- actually Helga, we're playing in Arnold's room,  
Helga- I know that Phoebe! It was a figure of speech!  
Phoebe- Oh, right.  
Arnold- Alright Helga, you can play.  
(They walk into Arnold's house, and to his room. The kids are already sitting in a circle. Helga, Phoebe, Gerald and Arnold join.)  
Rhonda- Okay, I'll go first. Hmmm... Harold. Truth or Dare?  
Harold- Aw, why do I have to go first?  
Rhonda- Just pick on Harold.  
Harold- Fine, truth.  
Rhonda- Admit it, you like me!  
Harold- no I don't!  
Sid- you can't lie Harold!  
Stinky- Yeah Harold, just tell the truth!  
Harold- I don't like Rhonda, okay! I like Patty!  
(the kids giggle, and Rhonda looks satisfied)  
Gerald- It's your turn now Harold.  
Harold- Okay, I pick, Arnold!  
Arnold- okay. Dare.  
Harold- Okay! You have to stop breathing for 10 minutes!  
Sid- Harold you dummy! He'll die!  
Phoebe- Yes, Harold. Is Arnold was to stop breathing for longer than about a minute, he would most likely pass out.  
Helga- Sheesh, you really are stupid Pink Boy.  
Harold- Shut up Helga! I'll come over there and pound you!  
Helga- You couldn't get up if there was a fire, Harold!  
Gerald- Come on! Let's play, Harold make a dare for Arnold!  
Harold- Okay, fine, kiss Witch Helga!  
Helga- No! it's not MY dare, I shouldn't have to be involved!  
Rhonda- you don't have to kiss him back. It's the rules Helga.  
Helga- Let me see the book!  
Stinky- There is no book, we go solemnly by the word of mouth.  
Harold- Yeah, so do it Arnold! And it better be good!  
Arnold- Ugh, fine.  
(Arnold crawls over to Helga, and pecks her on the cheek. Helga wipes her face with her sleeve)  
Helga- Gross!  
Harold- That wasn't a kiss!   
Arnold- Yes it was, you didn't say where it had to be!  
Rhonda- I say it's a do over.  
Sid- Yeah, do over! Do over!  
(The kids chant 'do over' until Arnold sighs impatiently, crawls over to Helga again, and pecks her on the lips. This time Helga makes her reaction more dramatic)  
Helga- Oh Gross Arnold! Who taught you to kiss, a Llama?  
(The kids laugh)  
Stinky- I reckon it's your turn now Arnold.  
(Lila looks hopefully at him. Gerald nudges him)  
Gerald- (whispering) Arnold, now's your chance! You can embarrass her back, by making her confess she wrote you the poems!  
(Arnold nods)  
Arnold- Helga  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- Truth...or dare?  
Helga- Truth, or dare? But,  
Rhonda- Ah! you said truth first!  
Helga- No! That wasn't my choice!  
Sid- too late Helga, I heard it too  
Stinky- Yep.  
(Helga looks pleadingly at Phoebe, who shares her concern, but just shrugs)  
Arnold- Truth huh? Okay Helga. Who wrote the poems in that book?  
Helga- Uh, wh,what book?  
Arnold- you know what book Helga. Tell me.  
Rhonda- What are you talking about?  
Arnold- Okay, let me tell you all about it. See I found this book in Helga's closet  
Helga- Stop!  
Arnold- What? Are you saying you know who wrote them?  
Helga- No  
Arnold- Oh, then you wouldn't care if I told them. I read what was inside. See, there were a bunch of poems inside,   
Helga- Arnold!  
Arnold- Yes Helga?  
Helga- Wh, who cares about the book, don't you want to ask me something else?  
Arnold- No. This is my question, and I want to know.  
(Helga just looked at Arnold, horrified)  
Arnold- They were all about the same person, from the same person,  
Helga- FINE! I WROTE THEM!! HAPPY NOW?!


	3. Where We First Meet Carrot Top

Helga: FINE! I WROTE THEM!! HAPPY NOW?!  
*All kids gasp*  
Arnold: *looking pleased* now that wasn't so hard, now was it?  
Gerald: Ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick.  
Helga: Hey, shut up, Tall Hair Boy, or I'll go over there and beat the living daylights outta you!  
Phoebe: *Whispering to Helga* How did he find the book?  
Helga: Long story...  
Rhonda: Helga, it's your turn. Pick someone.  
Helga: Fine, Arnold.  
Sid: Hey, no dare-backs!  
Helga: Okay, then Harold.  
Harold: Dare.  
Helga: I dare you to go lick that spark plug.  
Harold: No way!  
Helga: I'll give you a Mr. Nutty bar.  
Harold: OKAY! *runs over and sticks his tongue in the plug and gets electrocuted. He comes back, holding his head.* Ow... THAT HURT!! MAMMIE!!  
Helga: Ah, shut up, pig-boy!  
Gerald: Wouldn't that fry his brain?  
Helga: Harold's probably so stupid he doesn't have a brain to fry.  
Harold: What are you talking about?! Who's Harold?! I'M SO CONFUSED!!  
Helga: Then again, I guess what was left of his small brain just got fried right now.  
Harold: Oooh, pretty! *Jumps up and runs to a window of Arnold's skylight-window-thingy. He runs into it, then opens it. He chases after a butterfly and ends up falling off the roof. All kids watch and shrug* I'm okay...  
Stinky: Well, I guess I'll pick someone, on account of Harold just jumped off the roof. Rhonda, truth or dare?  
Rhonda: Truth  
Stinky: Who do y'all like?

Rhonda: Why... W-What a ridiculous question! There's not a soul I like... Not a one.  
Sid: You're supposed to tell the truth, Rhonda. There's gotta be someone.  
Rhonda: *feeling the pressure* Okay! Okay! I like Arnold!  
*All kids giggle and go "oooh!!" except for Helga, who crosses her arms and shoots a nasty look at Rhonda.*  
Rhonda: Okay, my turn. Sid.  
Sid: Dare.  
Rhonda: I dare you to kiss Stinky!  
Sid: Yuck, GROSS!  
Gerald: *laughing* come on, Sid, she DARED you. CHICKEN!  
*G.I.R. pokes his head in. He's wearing the little doggy-suit*  
G.I.R.: DID SOMEBODY SAY TAQUITOS?! TAQUITOS!!!  
*Pulls his head back and slams the door. Kids can hear him screaming with joy and then tripping and falling down the stairs*  
Sid: Okay... fine...  
*Kisses Stinky on the cheek. Kids are laughing too hard to say anything about it*  
Sid: Helga.  
Helga: Truth.  
Sid: Do you like Arnold?  
Helga: *blushes and rubs back of her neck* O-Of course... not... W-What made you think-  
*G.I.R. sticks his head in. He's NOT wearing the little doggie suit*  
G.I.R.: I'M NEKKID!!! WHEEE HOOO!!!  
*Runs around room about three times, spins around on the floor*  
G.I.R.: I'M DANCIN' LIKE A MONKEY!!!  
*hears Grandma*  
Grandma: *from kitchen* TACOS!  
G.I.R.: TACOS!!! TACOTACOTACOTACOTACO!!!  
Helga- Hey now!! If Arnold had to re-do his kiss because he didn't kiss me on the lips, then Sid should have to do the same!  
Sid- Gross! No way Helga!  
Stinky- That's cause you is a girl Helga. I don't remember being a girl, myself.  
Helga- Those are the rules bucko! Rhonda?  
Rhonda- Technically, she's right...  
(Stinky shrugs. Sid sighs grumpily, and kisses Stinky. All the kids laugh)  
Sid- Ugh....Arnold, can I use your phone to call my parents? I never told them where I was going.  
Arnold- Sure, it's on my desk.  
Carrot Top- Hey kiddo, make sure if your gonna make a call to,  
Sid- Yeah, yeah, yeah, use 1-800-CALLATT. I watch enough TV to get it. Now get the hell outta here, this is our cartoon.  
Carrot Top- Hey can I play?  
Sid- Ask Arnold  
Arnold- Huh? Yeah sure, whatever.  
(Carrot Top joins the game)  
Stinky- It's my turn! I pick the new feller with the red hair, wearing makeup.  
Carrot Top- Who me?  
Stinky- Yep. Truth or Dare?  
Carrot Top- Oooo. Tough choice. Okay, I choose...Dare.  
Stinky- I dare you to dye your hair purple.  
Carrot Top- Oh...well my hair is kind of my trademark...it's why I am called Carrot Top...you know?  
Lila- I like your hair ever so much. It would be a shame to see it go,  
Rhonda- I think it's disgusting.   
Carrot Top- oh, well if you say so...I'll be back in a few...  
(Carrot Top starts to leave to go buy hair dye)  
Rhonda- WAIT! you have to pick someone first, so we can play while your gone.  
Carrot Top- Oh, okay....How about that cute little blond chick. Hey wanna meet up later?  
Helga- Me? Are you out of your mind, I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth!  
Carrot Top- So it's a date?  
Helga- Scram!  
(Helga whacks Carrot Top)  
Carrot Top- Feisty one isn't she? Okay hot stuff, Truth or dare?  
Helga- Call me that again, and you lose a rib. Dare.  
Carrot Top- I dare you to use 1-800-callatt....  
Helga- Your such a moron! Get the hell outta here, and buy that dye for your nasty mop!  
(Carrot Top touches his heart, and leaves. Helga goes over to the phone, and calls her dad with ATT)  
Helga- Hey Bob. No. I'm at Arnold's. What? Because I was dared to. I know it costs money, big deal. Then why are we still talking? Bye.   
(She hangs up)   
Helga- okay done deal. My turn. Arnold...  
Arnold- Truth  
Helga- Truth eh? hmmm....(thinking) what did I want to ask him anyhow...? oh well... make something up Helga! (out loud) Wh,what did you think of the poems?  
Arnold- Well....it's been a while since I've read them...  
Helga- You just read them today!  
Arnold- Well, Honestly...  
Helga- Yeah...?  
Arnold- I liked them.   
Helga- You did?  
Arnold- Yeah. They were really sweet.  
(All the kids ooo at them)  
Stinky- I think Arnold has it in for Helga.  
Gerald- So where is this book now?  
Helga- Not here, Geraldo. Your not going to see it, ever.  
Rhonda- Well, I want to hear one of these poems, Helga.  
Sid- Yeah, tell us one.  
Helga- Huh?  
Arnold- (noticing the look of horror on Helga's face) I don't think she memorized them you guys, let's just move on.  
Rhonda- well if Helga's quite the poet, I don't see why it would be too difficult to write one now.  
Lila- I would ever so much like to hear one too.  
Helga- Oh can it, Lila.   
Phoebe- It seems to me, that for a poet to be able to write, they first have to be inspired...If Helga's not in the mood, she won't be able to write  
(Helga smiles at Phoebe for her support)  
Rhonda- Well, if the poems are about Arnold, and he was never there while she wrote the others, (she reaches over and pulls Arnold so he's sitting directly in front of Helga) then it should be easier with the real thing to inspire her!  
(The kids giggle, and agree with Rhonda)  
Arnold- Helga, you don't have to write anything. I'm not daring you to.  
Sid- fine then, Arnold dare someone.  
Arnold- Okay, Gerald.  
Gerald- da...uh, truth?  
Arnold- Okay, you like Phoebe?  
Gerald- Arnold!  
Arnold- What? it seems to me that we're all being humiliated today.  
Gerald- *grumbles*   
Arnold- What was that? I didn't catch what you said  
Gerald- (stubbornly) yes.  
(the kids ooo and snicker. Phoebe blushes, and takes his hand)  
Gerald- Fine. It's my turn.  
Arnold- fair enough. (Thinking, yeah, he can't re-dare me!)  
Gerald- Helga.  
Helga- Oh Crimeny! Why do you keep picking me!? Sheena hasn't gone! or Lila! Pick them for once!  
Gerald- Truth...? or Dare?  
Helga- None of the above  
Rhonda- Ah, ah, ah!  
Helga- Ahhhh!! Dare!!!  
Gerald- Write a poem about Arnold...

Helga- Huh?  
Arnold- Gerald, why'd you do that? It was ME who embarrassed you...not Helga. Don't you want to pay ME back?  
Gerald- Oh, thought I was...  
Helga- No  
Kids- No?  
Helga- I won't do it.  
Stinky- I don't think I can ever recall someone saying no to a dare.  
Sid- That's because the penalty is so severe!  
Rhonda- Helga, you do realize, if you don't do the dare, you have to pay the penalty, right?  
Helga- Er, okay, what's the penalty?  
(Rhonda grins evilly with the other kids)  
Rhonda- it's the House Penalty, you have to run to a neighbor's house, completely naked, and ask for toliet paper.  
(the kids laugh hysterically)  
Helga- WHAT!? I'm not doing that, are you nuts!?  
Rhonda- Those are the rules Helga. So are you sure you want to say no?  
(Helga looks at Arnold hesitant. He is speechless. Helga covers her eyes with her hands, hoping everything will just disappear)  
Helga- Give me some paper....  
(Rhonda gets up, walks to Arnold's desk, grabs a stack of paper, and a pencil, and hands it to Helga.)  
Helga- *Sigh* Okay...  
(Helga looks at the paper, but nothing comes to her mind)  
Sid- Well, when are you gonna start?  
Helga- Uhh...  
Rhonda- It's okay, she just needs a little inspiration! Arnold, go sit in front of her.  
Helga- No! I...I mean, it's better to have him...not looking at me.  
Rhonda- Okay, look at someone else Arnold.  
Helga- um, okay, everyone has to look away...and Arnold...?  
Arnold- Yeah?  
Helga- look at Lila...  
Arnold- Why?  
Helga- Just do it!  
Arnold- Okay, fine!

(the kids all look away, and start little conversations with each other. Arnold looks at Lila. They start talking, and Helga feels a poem coming on...She writes it, and recites it to them.)

_Wandering one, Wandering one,  
Unknowing torturer of my tormented soul,  
Unknowing one, unknowing one,  
Only when thy knowest of my secret shall my spirit soon be whole.  
  
Dost thou not notice me,  
In dark corners or dark streets?  
Dost thou know my heart does melt,  
Each sacred time we meet?  
  
My poor lost love, my poor lost love,  
Farther and farther dost thou go away from me,  
Oh sacred one, oh sacred one,  
Dost thou know or care of my secret love for thee?  
  
Angelic one, Angelic one,  
Will thy ever know where my heart does lie?  
Beloved one, beloved one,  
Or from afar shall I admire thee until the day I die?_  
Rhonda-...wow Helga, that was....incredible!  
Sid- Yeah, your a natural!  
Stinky- That sure was pretty Helga, you could be a writer.  
Helga- Whatever. (Crumples up the poem, and throws it in the trashcan) Are you satisfied now? I'm outta here...  
(Helga gets up and reaches for the door, when it flings open, and in walks Carrot Top with a towel around his head)  
Carrot Top- I did it!!!  
(Carrot Top takes the towel off his head, revealing his newly dyed purple hair. This kids laugh)  
Sid- Haha! You look terrible!  
Rhonda- it is absolutely horrifying. Get out of here, you're making me sick!  
Carrot Top- Oh shucks, I...I was kind of growing attached to it...  
Phoebe- It's not that bad...  
Gerald- Not that bad? Are you crazy?  
Phoebe- Well, perhaps you should go back to your natural color Mr. AT&T man.  
Carrot Top- Oh, alright...well I did my dare...Hey, that reminds me! What did you have to do for your dare, cutie-pie?  
(Carrot Top puts an arm around Helga. Helga grabs it, and twists it, until he yelps)  
Helga- Hands off, geek-bait!  
Carrot Top- Oooo, I like rough girls!  
Helga- Eww Gross! Your sick! I'm less than half your age!  
Carrot Top- What can I say? I like em young! Gimmie a kiss!  
(Carrot Top reaches behind Helga, and dips her, preparing to plant one on her, when he gets pegged in the head with a shoe, and drops her.)  
Carrot Top- OUCH! Hey who threw that!!?  
Arnold- I did.  
Carrot Top- What gives?  
Arnold- Just leave her alone, and get out of my room.  
Sid- Get out! You stink!  
Stinky- yeah, you really bite!  
Rhonda- Your a fashion nightmare!  
Helga- (from the floor) Your an idiot.  
Carrot Top- Alright, I'll go, but remember this...for every long distance call you make, not using ATT, I'll be back!

Gerald- Nice ad campaign...   
(Carrot Top leaves. Arnold walks over to Helga and offers a hand to help her up.)  
Arnold- Are you okay Helga?  
Helga- I'm fine, Arnoldo!  
(Helga stands up, and opens the door.)  
Helga- It was great being humiliated tonight you guys, but I've had enough. Bye!  
(Helga walks out the door, and goes home. Everyone in the room is silent.)  
Rhonda- you know....that poem she wrote...was really cool...  
Lila- Yeah, it was very romantic.  
Sid- I had no idea she could write like that  
Stinky- She sure is mysterious. I recon we could learn something new about her everyday.  
Gerald- Why would you want to? I mean, yeah, the poem was impressive, and very...well...unlike Helga, but that's just it. It's Helga G. Pataki! She's the meanest person besides Wolfgang!   
Phoebe- That's not true!  
Gerald- Phoebe...I know your her best friend and all, but you have to admit, Helga doesn't care about anything!  
Phoebe- (Standing up in anger) Your wrong Gerald! Helga's a sweet girl! She never means to be the way she is! You just don't understand her! Sometimes you can be a real jerk Gerald!  
(Phoebe leaves. Gerald is sitting with his jaw hanging open)  
Gerald- I....I....Oh man, I'm such a shit!  
(Gerald goes running after Phoebe)  
Rhonda- Well I think I've had enough excitement for one night. Call me when you want to finish the game Arnold. Thanks again!  
Sid- Yeah, see you Arnold.  
Stinky- Great party.  
Lila- I'm ever so glad you invited me. Maybe next time I'll be picked.  
Arnold- Hey Sheena, you want to make sure Harold is okay?  
Sheena- No problem! Bye Arnold  
Arnold- bye, you guys...  
(Everyone is gone. Arnold sighs and looks around his room. He walks over to the trashcan, and pulls out Helga's poem. He reads it over and over....)  
Arnold: I cannot believe she wrote this. About me! Never in a million years....  
(Arnold catches a glimpse of the phone. He looks at the poem, then to the phone, back and forth. He picks it up, dials)  
Arnold: Hi, Mr. Pataki, can i speak to Helga? This is Arnold. No, ARNOLD. Yeah, the one with the football head (rolls eyes).  
Big Bob: Hey OLGA! Your little friend Alfred is on the phone!   
(Helga in her closet, looking over her poems, can't believe Arnold found them)  
Helga: Arnold??? What is he calling here for? Haven't I been humiliated enough for one night? It's HELGA dad! I got it, I got it. (picks up the phone) Hello?  
Arnold: Helga? It's Arnold  
Helga: Yeah, what's your point?  
Arnold: I was wondering how u were feeling after Carrot Top, and if you were alright.  
Helga: Yeah yeah, I 'm alright. Are you done?  
Arnold: Well, I was also wondering, WHY do you write those poems about me? I mean, couldn't you write now about Gerald or Sid, or Harol... uh, actually never mind about Harold.  
Helga: Well, I dunno, you just seem like the right person to write poems about. I need to write about SOMETHING. And it's easier to write about you.  
Arnold: Helga, that's not the reason, It would be just as easy with Gerald  
Helga: How would you know???? You been writing things about him?  
Arnold: WHAT??? NO!! Come on Helga! Tell me!!  
Helga: I wanna be a poet when I'm older, there you go.  
Arnold: Helga! What's the real reason???  
Helga: I can't tell you on the phone, come over later.  
Arnold: Okay, fine, I'll come over at 9:00, Okay?  
Helga: Okay, fine, Bye!  
(hangs up the phone, paces her bedroom on what to do.)  
*Helga glances nervously at her clock. 8:30. She gets up and paces her room nervously*

  
Helga- only a half hour now... What am I gonna say? What am I gonna do? *Stops and slaps herself* Get a hold of yourself, girl! You can do this! Just insult him more until him and his little geeks lay off! *She sighs* What am I SAYING? *She pulls out her locket* How can I continue to torment you and I for years and years when all I have to do is come out and say it? I LOVE YOU, ARNOLD! *Pauses* Maybe this is a blessing in disguise! Maybe this is my chance to reveal my true feeling for you! But what if you reject me? Turn me away and leave me to die, alone?  
  
*Carrot Top pokes his head in the door*  
Carrot Top: Maybe you should call him collect and talk the whole thing over!  
Helga- What are you talking about, Carrot Crap? He's on his way over right now!  
Carrot Top: Maybe you could press some of my buttons...  
*Helga knees him in the crotch, he falls down the stairs and DIES*  
Helga- now that THAT'S over and done with-  
*GIR runs in the room, screaming, running around in circles and shakin' his groove thing*  
GIR: I'M NEKKID!! WHEE HOO!!  
Miriam- *From downstairs* SMOOTHIES!  
*GIR's head explodes. He immediately reassembles*  
GIR: SMOOTHIES!!! SMOOTHIES!!!  
*Runs back downstairs*  
Helga- *Shaking head in disgust* I need a walk...  
*Grabs a light jacket and goes downstairs. Miriam spots her before she gets out the door*  
Miriam: Helga, if you're going out, you'd better take a sweater because there's... Bacon outside!  
Helga: I'm going away. You cannot reach me. You cannot walk there, it's much too far.  
Miriam: Sure it's fine for you, but what about the baco-bits people? *passes out.*  
Helga- She NEEDS to stop putting Vodka in those smoothies.   
GIR: I'm gonna sing the Doom song now!  
Helga: Yeah, well when she wakes up, tell her I'm shitting nickels and chanting Harie Krishna

GIR: OKAY! DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM CHEESEBURGER!!  
*Helga shakes her head and walks out the door and runs straight into Arnold.*  
Helga- Arnold!  
Arnold- Hey,

Arnold- Hey,  
Helga- Your early!  
Arnold- Yeah, is that okay?  
Helga- NO! uhh, I mean, I have to run out and get something for....Miriam....so um....  
Arnold- Oh, okay, I'll come with you.  
Helga- No! See...she needs something...personal. only I can see it.  
Arnold- Why?  
Helga- Because Arnoldo! Mind your own beeswax, and get outta here! Come back at 9!  
Arnold- Okay fine! you don't have to yell at me.  
Helga- Sorry...  
Arnold- It's okay. Well can't you just tell me what you were going to say now?  
Helga- No...not yet. But at 9, I can...  
Arnold- Is something supposed to happen at 9?  
Helga- not necessarily...it just seems like the right time!  
Arnold- okay...I'll be back at 9  
Helga- okay bye!  
(Helga watches Arnold walk away. Once he turns the corner, Helga runs back inside.)  
Helga- (To herself) What am I going to do? Think Helga! To confess, or not to confess, that is the question...Whether it is nobler in my mind to say, ''Hey bitch, love me or I'm gonna git you sucka!"...or my gut instinct, which says, "Skip town, while you still can! .I love and kneels down to her mother who is still on the floor.)  
Helga- Sorry about this mom...  
(Helga steals Miriam's money, steals Carrot Top's money, since he's dead, and won't be needing it for any more collect calls... and runs outside to hail a cab.)  
  
*At the dinner table in Sunset Arms*  
Grandpa- Wants to talk to you in person, eh?  
Arnold- Yeah. I mean, I think I already know what she's going to say, but I'm just not sure!  
Grandpa- Well what are you going to do, short man?  
Arnold- I don't know, what do you think I should do Grandpa?  
Grandpa- Well one option would be to go to her house at 9:00, and see what she has to say,  
Arnold- Okay, and what's the other?  
Grandpa- Skip town, while you still can!  
Arnold- Grandpa, that wouldn't help anything!  
Grandpa- Sure it would. you wouldn't have to face her, and hear the unwanted  
Arnold- ....you have a point...  
(Arnold goes into his room, packs some things in a suitcase, and heads over to the bus depot. He looks around, seeing where he can go for the 50 bucks Grandpa gave him.)  
Arnold- One way to Minneapolis, please.  
Man- How many bags?  
Arnold- one  
Man- Aren't you a little young to be riding the bus alone?  
Arnold- I'm meeting my family...  
Man- 46 dollars.  
(Arnold gives the man the 50, then uses the remaining 4 bucks to get some pizza, then sit on the bus and wait for departure.)  
(Meanwhile, at the Bus Depot)

Helga- Where's the next bus going?!  
Man- Minneapolis, Minnesota.  
Helga- Minnesota?! Crimeny, isn't there one going to Hawaii or something tropical!?  
Man- Little girl, I don't know how much you know about Geography, but you can't take a bus to,  
Helga- Okay, okay, just shut your trap and gimmie the ticket!  
Man- 56 dollars.  
Helga- 56!? Your sign says 46!  
Man- There's a fee for having to put up with bratty little girls.  
Helga- You ass!   
Man- you want the ticket, or what?  
Helga- Rrrr!   
(Helga pays the man 56 buckeroos, and hops on the bus. she sits on the first seat, and looks at her watch. 5 to nine...)  
Helga- Oh, Arnold! Why did I leave you? Why could I not find the strength to tell you all that I desired? Why am I such chicken-shit?  
(Arnold's eyes widen, and he leans around to the chair in front of him)  
Arnold- Helga!?  
Helga: ARNOLD?!  
Arnold: Helga?!  
Helga: Arnold?!  
Arnold: Helga...?  
Helga: Arnold...?  
Arnold: Hel- Okay, it's old now.  
Helga: Yeah.  
*Carrot Top jumps on the bus*  
Carrot Top: You! You little brat! You stole my money!!  
Helga: You? You old fat guy, I thought you were dead.  
*Bus driver kicks Carrot Top off the bus*  
Helga: Thanks, bus driver guy.  
Bus Driver: Don't talk to the driver while the bus is in motion.  
Arnold: But it's not in motion!

Bus Driver- look, I'm pissed off cause I can't get laid, so could you just can it, or I'm gonna pound you!  
Helga- Harold?  
(The bus driver turns around...indeed it is Harold)  
Arnold- but...I thought you were dead too?  
Helga- Yeah!  
Harold- Well apparently I had enough padding to save me from the fall...  
Arnold- Why are you driving the bus?  
Helga- Yeah, didn't you get this job awfully fast?  
Harold- Oh, I didn't get the job...  
(Harold puts the bus in drive, and takes off down the road. the passengers are screaming bloody murder.)  
Helga- Harold! STOP!   
Arnold- I'll get him away from the wheel, then you drive!  
Helga- Me?   
Arnold- You can do it, Helga. I believe in you.  
(Helga and Arnold share a moment)  
Helga- Okay, enough mushy business, let's do it!  
Arnold- We haven't got time for that  
Helga- Arnold, you know what I meant  
Arnold- oh, right.... Okay and....NOW!  
(Arnold tackles Harold off of the seat, and Helga quickly jumps in to steer clear.)  
Helga- I can't reach the gas pedal...  
(The bus gets slower and slower. Arnold throws Harold out of the bus doors.)  
Helga- How did he reach them!?  
(Arnold ducks down to push the break pedal. When the bus stops, Helga puts the bus into Park.)  
Arnold- You know, while I'm down here...  
(Helga kicks Arnold in the head)  
Helga- Sick!  
Arnold- ouch! I was going to say I might as well see how Harold reached the pedals! Geez, why'd you kick me!?  
Helga- (Blushing) Oh, sorry.  
(Helga joins Arnold down by the pedals. People are still screaming on the bus, and they all frantically jump out of the windows. Helga and Arnold just exchange confused looks)  
Helga- It wasn't that bad...  
Arnold- Well, it's a mystery. I don' know how he got the bus to move!  
Helga- Oh well. Who cares?  
(Arnold looks out the window, and sees fireworks)  
Arnold- Fireworks? What are those for?  
Helga- The Cheese Festival...it was today  
Arnold- That's right! I forgot! What time is it?  
Helga- Nine.  
Arnold- ...is this why you wanted me to come at nine?  
Helga- Partially  
Arnold- What was the other reason?  
Helga- Um...well Arnold...about the poem...  
Arnold- Wait, let me say something first  
Helga- Okay,  
Arnold- I read the poem again after you left...I read it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and,  
Helga- I get the point Arnold!  
Arnold- Oh sorry. Anyways, I realized I'd never been more flattered in my life.  
Helga- Doi.  
Arnold- I didn't know how to take it at first, cause well...no one's ever done that kind of thing for me  
Helga- Again, doi...  
Arnold- well, okay, what did you want to say?  
Helga- Uh, just that....well...I...  
(A loud noice comes from outside. They look to see, and notice the launch pad for the fireworks exploded, and was now a towering inferno of flames.)  
Arnold- OH NO!  
Helga- Let's go see what happened!  
(Arnold and Helga run to the launch site...and see....the unbelievable....)  
  



	4. Lost and Camping

(Half way over there, the see a body lying on the ground, with purple hair)  
Arnold: Oh god, it Carrot Top  
Helga: CRIMENY! What does it take to kill this guy???  
Carrot Top: Just dial 1800-CALLATT, Just dial 1800-CALLATT,  
Just dial 1800-CALLATT, Just dial 1800-CALLATT, Just dial 1800-CALLATT, Just dial 1800-CALLATT.....  
Arnold: AHHH!!!*covers ears*  
Helga: Make him SHUT-UP! *covers ears*  
Arnold: Helga, look!   
(they look at the other side of Carrot Top. It's all a bunch of wire)  
Helga: That's why the guy isn't dead yet!!!!! *Kicks the thing, just starts talking faster and higher*  
Arnold: HELGA!! What'd you do that for????  
Helga: I THOUGHT it would make him SHUT-UP, Football Head!  
Arnold: Well it didn't!!! Here, do u have a hair pin? I'll pull some wires and stuff  
(Arnold does a bunch of stuff to the Robot, and it shuts up)  
Helga: Whew! Thanks Arnold.  
Arnold: Welcome.   
(they smile at each other)  
Arnold: Uh, Helga, shouldn't we be heading over there??  
Helga: Oh, yeah, we should shouldn't we?  
(Arnold and Helga walk over to the flames, which have been controlled a bit by the fire department. They hear a little bit of a rattle in bushes near by.)  
Arnold: What was that?  
Helga: I dunno, maybe we should go check it out  
(They walk over to the bushes, and don't see anything. Another bush rattles deeper into the woods, so they go investigating. This keeps happening and keeps happening. They have now gotten completely lost)  
Carrot Top: (jumps out from the final bush once their lost) HAHA! I got you now!  
(Helga screams and jumps into Arnold's arms, but gets down instantly)  
Helga: Wait. Why are you after us????????   
Carrot Top: Because you didn't use 1800- CALL ATT  
Arnold: Carrot Top, that's ridiculous that you want to "get us" just because of that.  
Carrot Top: You ALSO ruined one of my robots!!  
Helga: You mean there's MORE then one????  
Arnold: Plus we didn't ruin it, we found it ruined, because it caused that huge fire back there, you idiot!  
Carrot Top: SO?? I still want revenge!!!  
Helga: Then go sue the Firecracker company! Were off!  
Arnold: Yeah were off!!  
(Arnold and Helga walk into the woods, thinking they are getting out of them, but soon enough they realize there's no exit in sight. They have to make camp. Arnold makes a shelter tent with his flannel and a big stick, while Helga is walking nearby, looking for firewood.)  
Helga- I think that ought to do it. (Drops the pile of wood she collected)  
Arnold- Yeah, that's plenty.  
Helga- What is that supposed to be?  
Arnold- It's our tent  
Helga- Ha! A tent? Nice job football head! I'm not sleeping in that! No stinkin' way!  
Arnold- Fine, you don't have to.  
Helga- Fine I won't!  
Arnold- Fine!  
Helga- Fine!  
(There is an awkward pause. Then Arnold groups the firewood, and makes a homemade fire (yah know, without matches!) The fire becomes nice and warm. Helga shivers, and sits close to the fire, rubbing her arms.)  
Arnold- I wish I had another shirt for you Helga, you must be cold  
Helga- What's it to you Arnoldo?  
Arnold- Well I don't want you to freeze  
Helga- Who's frozen? I'm not frozen, It's just a little breezy that's all  
Arnold- Okay, if you insist.  
(Helga continues to shiver. Now Arnold has become aware that her teeth are chattering. Arnold takes off his shirt)  
Helga- What are you doing!?  
Arnold- I'm giving you my shirt.  
Helga- Are you crazy!? I don't want your shirt! I'm fine!  
(Arnold gives her his shirt anyway, and sits down. Helga just stares at him)  
Arnold- Fine then. If you don't wear it, then I guess both of us will freeze.  
Helga- Fine!  
Arnold- Fine!  
Helga- FINE!  
(They both sit now, and soon, Arnold starts to shiver. Helga looks at him, and starts to feel bad)  
Helga- Arnold, just...put your shirt back on.   
Arnold- No.   
Helga- Arnold! Stop being such a hardhead! Just put your damn shirt back on! (Thinking to herself) what are you talking about Helga! Let him keep it off!!!  
Arnold- I'm the hardhead!? Why don't you put it on!?  
Helga- FINE!!!!  
(Helga grabs Arnold's shirt, and pulls it over her head. She cuddles into it, and smiles at her warmth. Arnold continues to shiver.)  
Helga- Thanks Arnold. I fell much better!  
(Helga smiles, and feels totally comfortable...until she looks at Arnold, who now has blue lips.)  
Helga- Arnold, are you okay?  
Arnold- I'm just fine Helga.  
(Helga thinks about it, then takes off his shirt, and hands it to him.)  
Helga- Thanks, I'm all warmed up now.  
(Arnold doesn't take the shirt, but allows it to fall to the ground, and into the fire, where it is burnt to a crisp)  
Helga- ARNOLD!  
Arnold- Aw, Crap!  
Helga- Arnold, your turning blue. you need to get warm. Go lay in the tent!  
(Arnold gets up and lays in his shirt-tent. But he doesn't stop shivering. Helga walks over to him, and lays down next to him.)  
Arnold- I thought you didn't want to sleep in here?  
Helga- I don't. But my body heat will warm you up, so just can it!   
(Helga presses up to Arnold, and wraps her arms around his bare upper body)  
Helga- And Arnold,  
Arnold- Yeah?  
Helga- If you mention this to anyone, I'll kill you.  
Oh God yes! He was in her arms. It wasn't exactly the way she had envisioned their first long embrace, but just to feel him next to her was more than enough to satisfy.  
"Helga?" Arnold spoke through chattering teeth.  
"What is it?" She replied with a tinge of annoyance in her voice.  
"Can I ask you something."  
"You're already yapping, you might as well."  
"Well ... when are you going to stop this ... this game?"  
His body began to shake more violently.  
Why was he still shaking? Her body should have taken away some of the chill by now.  
"Crimeny ... control your spasms." She masked the fear in her voice with a sarcastic tone, but wrapped her arms more tightly around his shivering frame.  
"You ... You ... didn't answer my question."   
"Please, I stopped playing truth or dare hours ago." Helga rolled her eyes.  
"You ... know that I know that you like me like me ... and ..."  
He trailed off.  
"Arnold?"  
No answer. This was crazy. He couldn't of passed out from the cold.  
"Arnold?"

Helga- ARNOLD!? Speak to me! Oh Crimeny! If your joking...!!  
(Helga shakes Arnold. He doesn't react.)  
Helga- okay, don't panic. You read in that "survival" book, that when someone has fallen through the ice, into freezing water...your supposed to strip them naked, and lay on top of them...Thus transferring one's body heat to the other....Oh Great!!! If you're awake football head, and you say one word about this....  
(Helga strips down to her bra and undies. She cringes a little at the thought of him waking up, but she proceeds to un-button his jeans.)  
Helga- Get a grip Girl! This is to save his life!  
(Helga takes off Arnold's jeans, and carefully sets herself on top of him.)  
Helga- Damn your cold!  
(She lies on him, until she falls asleep. Morning comes, and the sun is warm through Arnold's propped up shirt-tent. Arnold wakes up first)  
Arnold- Ugh...Huh? Helga!?  
Helga- (Waking up suddenly, and looking down at Arnold beneath her) Huh!?  
Arnold- Uh...what are you doing?  
Helga- You passed out...I was just warming you up.  
Arnold- okay, well why are be both naked?  
Helga- (Getting off Arnold) We're not naked! I just read somewhere that you had to be skin to skin to warm someone up.  
Arnold- Uh huh...And you did it because,  
Helga- You would have died if I hadn't done it! So just shut your cake-hole!  
Arnold- (putting his pants back on) Really? I felt tired, but I didn't think it was serious.  
Helga- Well it was, so just be glad your not dead.  
Arnold- (Hugging Helga) Thank you Helga. I owe you my life!  
Helga- (sighs, going limp into his arms, then regrouping, and pushing him away) Yeah yeah. you'd have done the same for me. Now get outta here so I can get dressed.  
(Arnold smiles, and walks over to the unlit woodpile, while Helga quickly throws back on her clothes.)  
Helga- So, have any ideas on how to get out of here?  
Arnold- How about we say something bad about AT&T? If Carrot Top can sense when we say that, then maybe we can just follow him out when he leaves.  
Helga- Oh that's a wonderful idea Arnold! We'll just invite the crazed lunatic to our campsite, and put our trust in him to lead us out of this forest! That's sounds terrific!  
Arnold- Alright, well what do you suggest?  
Helga- How about we go over there?  
(Arnold looks over to where Helga is pointing, and sees a bunch of buildings, and billboards.)  
Arnold- Helga! How did you know the exit was over there?  
Helga- I looked  
Arnold- Did you know about that last night...?

Helga: *lying* Uh... yes...  
Arnold: *eyeing her seriously* Helga.  
Helga: NO! Okay, I admit, I didn't see it! Nobody's perfect, football-head! Crimeny!   
Arnold: .... Whatever you say, Helga.   
*He then turns towards the direction of the city, a smirk spreads across his face*  
Arnold: I think we should start heading toward the city...  
Helga: Well, yeah, doi!  
Arnold: Tomorrow morning.  
Helga: Huh?  
*Arnold heads toward her, he stops in front of her and that smirk reappears on his face*  
Helga- Are you crazy? I'm not spending another minute out here with you, football head!  
Arnold- Oh come on, it was fun.  
Helga- FUN!? YOU ALMOST DIED ARNOLD! Where's the fun in that?!  
Arnold- Well, okay, we'll go home, and get a real tent this time, and warm clothes.  
Helga- (tiling her head to one side) wh, why do you want to camp again?  
Arnold- Because I like camping with you. Remember the last camping trip we met up on? We had marshmallows. It was great.  
Helga- Reality check! Arnold, we don't have marshmallows, and we were with other people! Doi!  
Arnold- What's the matter? Are you afraid to camp alone?  
Helga- Afraid? Pff. Who'd be afraid of nature?  
Arnold- Okay then, I'll go get food and supplies, and you go get a tent.  
Helga- We don't have a tent. We have an RV.

Arnold- Okay, I'll bring the tent, you bring the food.  
Helga- ...Fine!  
Arnold- Fine!  
Helga- Fine!  
(Helga stomps away, and out of Arnold's sight. She turns a corner into an alley, and pulls out the locket)  
Helga- Oh Arnold! You asked me to make camp with you for an extra night, even after we see that we are safely in the city! I have died and gone to heaven...!  
Brainy- Wheeeze.....wheeeze....  
Helga- Hey, Brainy.  
Brainy- Uh...Hi.  
Helga- Need me to punch yah?  
Brainy- Uhhh....yeah.  
(Helga punches Brainy in the face, and he falls over.)  
Helga- Don't you ever get tired of this? Crazy kid.  
(Helga walks home)  
  
*At Sunset Arms*  
Grandpa- camping? Alone? With a girl!? No no no Arnold, you can't do that! Your too young to be all alone. especially with a girl!  
Arnold- What's the big deal? I can handle it! We camped last night!  
Grandpa- That's because you had to, short man. Right?  
Arnold- Yeah...but,  
Grandpa- No buts, Arnold. I'm sorry. It's just no.  
Arnold- Awww!!!!  
(Arnold runs out of the house in anger. He turns the corner, and makes his signature, 'bump into Helga' routine.)  
Helga- Ugh, Arnold, stop running around corners already!  
Arnold- Sorry Helga. Hey, my Grandpa said I can't go tonight.  
Helga- Oh, okay.  
Arnold- I'm sorry Helga. I really liked spending a night with you. It was nice.  
Helga- Really?  
Arnold- Yeah.   
(Helga sighs, then smacks herself in the face)  
Helga- Don't get all mushy on me, hairboy!  
(Helga gets up, and walks away)  
Arnold- Helga!  
Helga- (turning around) What?   
Arnold-...thanks again...for saving me, last night.  
Helga- (grumbles) yeah, yeah.  
*That night in Arnold's room*  
Arnold- (To himself) *sigh* She's really not bad. I wonder what we would be talking about if we were out there right now....(Arnold looks out the skylight) What the-?  
(Arnold notices Helga outside his window. she taps on the glass, and he opens the latch to let her in)  
Helga- Hey,  
Arnold- (talking in a whisper) Helga? What are you doing here?  
Helga- Uhh, well...y,you said you liked my company, and well, I thought maybe since we couldn't...camp...  
Arnold- You'd stay here?  
Helga- No...  
Arnold- then what?  
Helga- ....yes...  
Arnold- (a smile spreads across his face) okay. Make yourself comfortable.   
(Arnold flips the couch out from the wall. Helga sits on it, and they both sit there just staring, awkwardly.)

Helga: You know, Arnold...  
Arnold: What?  
Helga: The people who are writing this really need more things to do...  
Arnold: Agreed.  
Helga: *pulling out a sucker* I'm gonna suck on my Blow Pop.  
Arnold: Yousundnl;s... Wha??  
Helga: *waves the sucker at him* My blow pop, you big donut hole! Jeez, what a pervert! What did you THINK I meant?  
Arnold: Um, nothing, I just didn't really understand what you meant...  
*Mr. Hyunn opens the door.*  
Mr. Hyunn: Arnold!! You left your lint in the dryer again! *Throws a ball of lint at Arnold* You crazy kid! You are very creepy! Need to go out and do some hard work! *Spots Helga* What she doing here? You two got something going on that Grandpa should know about?  
Arnold: No, Mr. Hyunn.... She's just visiting.  
Hyunn: Of course she is.  
Arnold: Sorry about the lint.  
Hyunn: Of course you are. And where that Carrot Top man? I need to make a collect call!  
Carrot Top: *appears with shimmering Star Trek transporter effect* DID SOMEONE SAY THEY NEEDED TO MAKE A COLLECT CALL?!  
*GIR runs in, holding a long neck bottle*   
GIR: WHEE HOO!! I'M DRINKING LIKE A MONKEY! *Hiccups* STUPIDMOTHAFUCKA!  
*Bender (from Futurama) walks in, holding a similarly shaped bottle*  
Bender: And THAT'S why we have spousal abuse.  
GIR: FUCK YOU! I GAVE YOU THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE! I GAVE UP ZIM FOR YOU! I GAVE UP DANCING LIKE A MONKEY FOR YOU! I'M GOING TO SING THE 'KICK YOUR ASS' SONG NOW!!! DIE YOU STUPID ROBOT FAIRY!!!!  
Arnold: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BLEEPING ROOM AND GET YOUR OWN DAMN CARTOONS/FANFICS!  
*All mumble and walk out of the room except for Arnold and Helga*  
Helga: What the hell was THAT all about?  
Arnold: I dunno. Who's Zim?  
*There's a sound on Arnold's window. Both Arnold and Helga see Grandma and GIR naked on the roof, dancing*  
Grandma and GIR: WE'RE NEKKID!! WHEE HOO!  
*Arnold turns Helga's head the other way.*  
Arnold: Let's go for a walk.  
*Carrot Top appears AGAIN*  
Carrot Top: Did someone say they needed to make a collect call?  
Helga: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!  
*Arnold pulls out a bazooka and blows his FUCKING HEAD OFF!!*  
Helga: You can't blast away an ocean, Jake.   
Arnold: I've got my mojo working overtime.  
Helga: At least he's not talking anymore...  
Arnold: DUMBASS!!!  
*Carrot Top's Head rises from the ashes of his body*  
Carrot Top: You have upset the almighty Gods of AT&T!! NOW TO SUFFER THEIR WRATH, THEY HAVE CALLED UP NICKELODEON AND CANCELLED YOUR SHOW!!  
*Kyle and Stan walk into Arnold's room*  
Stan: Oh my God, you killed ARNOLD'S SHOW!  
Kyle: You BASTARDS!!  
Stan: Okay, I think that's all we need for a cameo.  
Kyle: Yeah, man, lets get the fuck outta here and make fun of that fat kid with the spark plug burn on his tongue.  
*Both kids walk out*  
Helga: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes another breath* OOOOO-  
Arnold: Get a hold of yourself! You're a THUMB!  
Helga: That's right.... I AM A THUMB!  
Arnold: What evil man has done the dastardly deed of canceling our show?!  
Helga: This can only be the work of VERY EVIL MEN!  
Arnold: You don't think it's.... *walks over to a magic mirror* Mirror, Mirror on the wall, show us the heads of Nickelodeon!  
*Mirror fades into a company photo with the President and Vice Presidents of Nickelodeon. They are horrified to see none other than HITLER, SPONGEBOB AND BLACK HELMET MAN!!!*  
Hitler: VE SHALL SHOW ALL SPONGEBOB, ALL ZE TIME!  
Dark Helmet man: YES. Arnold, I am your MOTHER!  
Arnold: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes another breath* OOOOO-  
Helga: Oh, for God's sake, not again!  
Arnold: Sorry. *composes himself* We've got to save the show

(Arnold opens his closet, pull a lever, and Helga and Himself get pulled into a tube. They travel underground, and arrive at Arnold's secret Laboratory.)  
Helga- Hey, where the hell did this come from?  
Arnold- oh, I built it with a good friend of mine.  
Helga- Who's that?  
Dexter- Oh, Hello Arnold! It is good to see you again. AHH!! DEE DEE!!! NOOOOO  
Arnold- No, Dexter! This is Helga, my friend!  
Dexter- (gasping for air) Oh, heh, yes of course. Welcome Helga.  
Arnold- Dex, we need your help. Nickelodeon is canceling our show! We have to stop them!  
Dexter- Oh that is terrible. Couldn't you just come to Cartoon Network? They don't blow as much ass.  
Arnold- Oh, well I suppose...but it's still wrong!! It's our spot on the network, and we're not going to give it up without a fight!  
Dexter- Allrightythen! Come with me, I have just the mechanics you will need on your quest.  
Helga- Mechanics?  
Arnold- Dexter is kind of a, well, an engineering genius.  
Helga- Great. We'll let the robots do all of the work  
  


(Dexter sets them up with the proper equipment. Helga changes into a sexy bodysuit...of course!)  
Arnold & Dexter- Wow!  
Helga- What are you two losers staring at?  
Dexter- She is a beautiful!  
Arnold- Yeah Helga, you look great  
Helga- Yeah yeah, take a picture why don't you?  
(Dexter snaps a Polaroid)  
Helga- HEY!  
Dexter- I will treasure this forever!  
Helga- Crimeny, what a wacko.  
  
(Wakko, Yakko and Dot show up)  
Wakko- Did someone call?  
Yakko- Hey, nice place you got here! Very...roomy  
Dot- I think it's too plain.   
(Dot redecorates the place to look very girlish)  
Dot- Add some color, and light, and voila!  
Dee Dee- AHHH!!! I love it!   
(Dee Dee and Dot run around throwing flowers everywhere, and smashing Dexter's equipment. Wakko jumps into Helga's arms.)  
Wakko- can I call you dadoo?  
Helga- NO YOU CAN'T CALL ME DADOO, NOW SCRAM!  
(The three Warner's run through a solid steel wall, and create chaos outside)  
Dexter- My wall!!!  
Arnold- We gotta go Dexter, we've already wasted too much time.  
Dexter- Okay, thank you for coming! Let me know how it all went! Remember, there's always a place for you on this network!  
Arnold- Thanks!  
(Arnold opens a door that says "Do Not Enter" and when he and Helga walk through it, they are instantly back in Arnold's room)  
Helga- Hey, how come we didn't use that door to get there?  
Arnold- Because, it ruins the effect!  
Helga- Whatever. Let's go, before I change my mind.  
Arnold- All right.  
  
(They hop a bus, a train, a plane, a boat, a tank, a cab, a bike, a pogo stick, and a skateboard to get to the Nickelodeon studio headquarters.)  
Helga- Man, they sure didn't want anyone to find this place!  
Arnold- Yeah, imagine how many people would egg them if they knew where they were stationed.  
(Helga reaches into her shirt, and whips and egg at the building)  
Helga- Sorry, reflexes.  
(They walk inside, and approach a very homely man at the front desk)  
Arnold- Hi, we'd like to speak with the president of the company.  
Homely Man- Uh huh.  
Arnold- ...please?...  
Homely Man- Uh huh.  
Helga- CRIMENY, NOW! ASSHOLE!  
Homely Man- You have quite the temper missy  
Helga- And you have quite the IQ. What are you a woolly mammoth? Move it, before I make you into a piano!  
Homely Man- Uh huh....security!  
  


(Arnold and Helga get kicked out.)  
Helga- Now what, Einstein?  
Arnold- (looking around) Hey, see that fire escape....?

"Yeah the one that isn't there?" Helga slapped Arnold across his face, "Don't tell me you're seeing things hair boy."  
"No ... I ... um ... Do you trust me?"  
"What!?"  
"Do you trust me?"  
"What kind of crazy question ..."  
Before Helga could finish Arnold grasped her hand and jumped through an open window with Helga doing likewise. Fortunately they were only on the ground floor of the building and they landed on the pavement outside.  
Pulling himself to his feet, Arnold whispered, "Follow me."   
Still holding onto Helga's hand, he made a mad dash into the darkness of the surrounding forest.  
"Here you are."   
Helga turned her head to see three security guards racing behind them.  
"Get moving, Arnold! We're both gonna die! AHHHHH!" she screamed.  
Her heart beat so hard that she felt as if it would burst inside her chest, half out of fear and half from excitement. If the guards caught up with them she would lose her part on 'Hey Arnold' for sure, but running with her handsome love interest was almost worth it.  
Suddenly Helga came to a halt as if she had hit an invisible wall. Why didn't I think of this before? She mused.  
Seeing Helga stop Arnold slowed as well.  
"Do not harm this boy!" She shouted at the men who were closing in on them.  
Shocked at her audacity the security men laughed.  
"What are you doing???" A panicked Arnold asked.  
"Saving, your life!"  
"What??!!"  
"We only take orders from the CEO of Nickelodeon." One of the guards said.  
"Well, then say hello to the daughter of the CEO!"  
The men gasped, "Princess Helga."  
Arnold's jaw dropped, "Princess Helga? Oh god, can this story get anymore complex?"

Security Guard- Forgive us, your majesty! We didn't see you!  
Helga- Yeah whatever. So move along, huh?  
Security Guard- I'm sorry Princess Helga, but we have orders.  
Helga- who's orders?  
Security Guard- Jafar. you'll have to take it up with him  
(Helga watchs the security guards put Arnold in shackles, and drag him away)  
Helga- Oh believe me, I will...  
*At the palace*  
Helga- Jafar!   
Jafar- Oh good evening, your highness,  
Helga- cut the crap! What's your deal with taking away Arnold!?   
Jafar- The boy was a criminal.  
Helga- And just what was his crime?  
Jafar- He was a common thief  
Helga- Arnold?! Are we talking about the same person? You know, short, blond....football head?  
Jafar- I'm afraid his sentence is already being taken out  
Helga- What sentance?  
Jafar- Death!  
Helga- Noo!!! You dick!   
(Helga runs to her room, crying)  
Big Bob- Hey Olga, what's with all the racket!?  
Helga- It's Helga, dad.  
Big Bob- Right, Helga, that's what I said.  
Helga- Dad, why'd you let Jafar kill my friend?  
Big Bob- What friend? I didn't allow Jafar to kill anyone!  
Helga- Well he just did!  
Big Bob- This is an outrage!!!!!   
Helga- So what are you gonna do about it?  
Big Bob- Well, first I need a chocolate filled doughnut with little heart shaped sprinkles on it....THEN we'll have a little talk with Jafar!  
(Big Bob leaves. Helga smacks her head.)  
  
*In the dungeons*  
Arnold- (struggling to get out of his wall shackles.) Ugh! Someone help! Let me out of here! Oh...it's no use...she was a princess! I never knew....  
(He hears rustling from an open window, above)  
Arnold- Abner!!!  
Abner- Oink!!!  
Arnold- Come down here boy! Help me get out of here!  
Abner- Oink!!   
(Abner jumps from the window, splatting on the ground)  
Arnold- Abner! Are you okay? Speak to me! Oh, it's hopeless...I'm a fool...  
Man- Your only a fool until you give up, boy!  
Arnold- Who said that?  
Man- Just a lonely prisoner, like yourself...but together...perhaps we could be more!  
Arnold- I'm listening  
Man- There is a cave, boy. A cave with treasures beyond your wildest dreams!  
Arnold- Uh huh, and your gonna share it with me...?  
Man- Yes  
Arnold- Why do you need me?  
Man- I need young legs, and a strong back to fetch it for me.  
Arnold- and all I have to do is....  
  
*In the desert, by the really big, scary, sand lion*  
Man- Go on boy! Fetch me the lamp, and I shall give you your reward!  
(Arnold enters the cave, finds the lamp, and returns to the outside)  
Arnold- That wasn't so hard  
Man- And now, for your reward!  
(Man pulls out a rigid dagger, and tries to stab Arnold. Thank god he took those lessons from Grandma! Basically, he kicks the shit out of the old man, and he dies)  
  
Arnold- Old dirt bag....(looks at the lamp) speaking of dirt...  
(he rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie...wearing sunglasses)  
Genie- Hey little guy, I'm a genie!  
Arnold- I can see that!  
Genie- I'll grant you three wishes!  
Arnold- Cool...okay, first wish...  
Genie- Hey wait! Think about it! Only Three....make em good!  
Arnold-...I wish that Helga and I were safely back in our own cartoon.  
Genie- Uhh, okay.   
(Genie snaps his fingers, and Arnold and Helga are back in Arnold's room.)  
Genie- (To Helga) Hey pretty momma, like my muscles? (flexes)  
Helga- Get away from me you creep! Arnold, where'd you find this guy?  
Arnold- He's a Genie. He's giving me three...well, two wishes  
Helga- Okay, so start wishing, so he can get the hell out of here  
Arnold- Okay....my second wish.... I wish I had a pony!  
Genie: *eyeballs him* whatever.  
*A pony appears in his room. Arnold shouts with delight and hugs it.*  
Helga: Hello?! Is it just me, or do we have a SHOW TO SAVE?!  
Arnold: *stops hugging the pony* Right. *turns to Genie* I wish we were in a death match with Dark Helmet Man, SpongeBob, and Hitler to save the show!  
Genie: Sure, kid. This ought to be fun.  
*Their surroundings suddenly change. They're in a big domed arena with a cheering crowd and the genie as the announcer. SpongeBob, Hitler and DHM are on the other side of the arena. Arnold looks down at his clothes. He's got a Jango Fett uniform on, minus the helmet. Helga looks down at hers. She's wearing Princess Leia's Jabba the Hutt slave dress.*  
  
Helga: Hey, you big donut hole, CHANGE MY FRICKEN CLOTHES!  
*Her clothes immediately change and she is now wearing Zam Wesel's armor.*  
Helga: That's better.  
Genie: And now it's time for the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!  
Arnold: YOU'RE GONNA DIE, SPONGE!  
Hitler: BRING EET ON, YEW STRANGE FOOTBALL-HEADED PIG NAZI!  
Helga: Hello?! Of all people, YOU should be the NAZI!!  
Hitler: Oh, right.  
Helga: Who's first? ( rolling up her sleeve) the Five-Avengers are ready for some action.  
DHM: Helga, come join our side, you know you belong with us.  
Arnold: She's with me!( punches DHM, leaving dent in helmet) Ow!  
Hitler: VE are Vnstopable vu vill never Devet us!!!  
Helga: Oh yes we will, because I know something not even you can stand up against!  
Hiler: Vike Vhat?  
*looks at Arnold and smiles evilly, Arnold somehow understands*  
Arnold: 1-800-CALL-ATT...


	5. Death Match Outcome

Carrot Top: A HA! Did you use 1800-CALLATT?  
Hitler: Nicht!, Was ist das??  
Carrot Top: I'm taking that as a no.   
  
(Carrot Top Tackles Hitler and Dark Helmet, killing them, but dying himself in the process. After 6 rounds of fighting, it's 3-3, the winner of the next round wins)  
  


Arnold: Hey Helga! C'mere!  
Helga: What?  
Arnold: I have a plan on how to win the next round.  
Helga: How?  
Arnold: Well, somehow, Sponge Bob is the last man standing, probably because of that unbreakable fish bowl over his head.  
Helga: Yeah? So...  
Arnold: We need to get the bowl off or all the water out.  
Helga: Thanks for stating the obvious Football head. And how do u suppose we do that?  
Arnold: Okay, during the match, I'll go over there, and distract him with highly intelligent questions and what not. You get behind him, take this vacuum, put the tube in the fish bowl, and suck all the water out  
Helga: And that's supposed to work? Isn't he gonna feel something?  
Arnold: He's a SPONGE he doesn't FEEL!  
Helga: Okay, whatever you say.  
(the bell rings, and Arnold and Helga go to work  
Arnold: Hey Sponge Bob, I'm SOOOO much smarter then you!  
Sponge Bob: Bull!! I'm smarter!  
Arnold: How about you and me play a game, if i lose, you get to kill me AND Helga, you lose, We get to Kill you..  
Sponge Bob: Alright  
Helga: ARNOLD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I don't want to die tonight! You can't out smart this guy, i mean c'mon, he figured out how to talk!  
Arnold: I'm gonna try!  
(Arnold and Helga wink at each other while Sponge Bob snickers in the background)  
Arnold: Okay, the game is, I ask you 4 questions, and if you get 5 right, You win. If u get more then 5 right, i lose. And you get to use all of the resources you have!  
Sponge Bob: Alright then, this is going to be soo simple!  
Arnold: Okay Sponge Bob, what's 2+2??  
Sponge Bob: 4!!!  
Arnold: Wow Sponge Bob, u got the first right! Maybe you will win. Okay, #2, How do you spell, Mississippi??  
Sponge Bob: M-I-S-S-I-S-uh, uh, uh S-um,-I-P-P-uuuhhh, I!  
Arnold: GREAT JOB!, Sponge Bob, #3, What's the square root of 225???  
SpongeBob: Um, uh, lemma see, whispers: Can I borrow a calculator?  
Arnold: Sure! Here ya go...(smiling widely)  
(Sponge Bob punches a few keys)  
Sponge Bob: 15!!  
Arnold: Oh no!, you might win! Only 2 more to win. Here's the last question, what's the longest river in the country??  
Sponge Bob: Oh , uh, UM, I know this one!! Um, let's see  
(As Sponge Bob ponders, he starts to shrink up. It takes awhile, but he notices all the water is gone. He shrivles up, and DIES)  
Helga: Nice work Arnoldo.  
Arnold: Thanks.  
Helga: You wanna go home now? We got the show back..  
Arnold: Okay  
(So they take a bus, a train, a plane, a boat, a tank, a cab, a bike, a pogo stick, and a skateboard and are safely back home)  
Helga: Hey, do you mind if i spend the night on the couch?  
Arnold: Sure, go ahead, but aren't your parents going to be worried?  
Helga: Are you kidding? Miriam is a alcoholic and Big Bob couldn't remember that I was Helga if I had a 5 story Bean Stalk growing out of my head.  
Arnold: wow, that must be really awful.  
Helga: Yeah it is. I feel all alone. At least you have grandparents to care for you, I have no one.  
Arnold: That's not true! I care...  
Helga: You do??? Thanks Arnold.   
(They have an awkward stare again)  
Helga: Well, I'm going to hit the sack, goodnight!  
Arnold: Goodnight  
(Arnold goes to the bathroom to change into PJ's, while Helga has a little Love rant before she goes to bed. Arnold returns to a sleeping Helga, recovers her with an extra blanket, shuts off the light, and slips into bed, and falls a sleep almost instantly.)  
A half hour later...  
  
HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKK!!!!!  
  


(Suddenly, and without warning, this huge ass bulldozer comes hurling down the street. Arnold runs out onto the roof to take a look)  
Arnold- Noooooo!!!!!!  
(Helga runs up to join him)  
Helga- What's going on?  
Arnold- Nooooooo!!!!  
Helga- Arnold! Talk!  
Arnold- Nooo...oh, Look! They're coming to tear us down!  
(Helga looks at the bulldozer.)  
Helga- no they're not.  
(Arnold looks at Helga like she's outta her goddamned mind)  
Arnold- Are you outta your goddamned mind? Look at the bulldozer!!!  
Helga- No look, Arnoldo, they're tearing down that ugly old building. The sign's been up for weeks, Doi!  
Arnold- Oh...right...  
Helga- Now come on! It's like 2 in the morning!  
Arnold- Okay.  
(They descend the wall-stairs back to Arnold's room.)  
Helga- you know, your couch really sucks.  
Arnold- No way! Gerald never complained.   
Helga- That's because Gerald is an idiot.  
Arnold- Hey, he's my best friend, don't talk about him that way!  
Helga- Ooo, did I upset you?  
Arnold- No. I just don't like to hear that stuff.  
Helga- What's the matter? Can't take a little criticism?  
Arnold- Oh, then I guess it's okay to say you're a mean bitch  
Helga- Oh, such tough words Arnoldo. What a maroon...what a throw pillow, what a wet towel!  
Arnold- Oh shut up Helga, your really starting to get on my nerves.  
Helga- Fine, then I'll just go!  
Arnold- Fine!  
Helga- Fine!  
Arnold- Fine!  
Helga- Fine! I don't need this!  
(Helga starts taking things off Arnold's desk, pretending they're hers. She starts for the door, when Arnold jumps in front of it)  
Arnold- Wait.   
Helga- Get out of the way Football head! I want to go home!  
Arnold- Helga,  
Helga- Move it!  
(Helga tries to push Arnold away, but he fights against her. They push and shove until Helga loses her balance and falls on the floor, with Arnold toppling over her. Their faces are inches away)  
Helga- Look... what you...did...  
(Helga tries to disregard the situation their in, but she is pulled in a trance. Arnold says nothing, but just looks at her)  
Arnold- Sorry....Helga....  
(Helga suddenly feels a strong urge, and does what she always wanted to do... Helga pulls him closer and kisses him deeply. This surprises Arnold at first, but he gave in to the kiss instead of fighting back. Helga continued to kiss him and it wasn't before long til he started to kiss her back, yet he kissed her more deeply and more passionate than she did. They stopped moments later and stared each other in their eyes.)  
Helga: *blushing a deep crimson*... heh... sorry... I  
Arnold- Helga, I...  
Helga- You...  
Arnold- I have a confession  
Helga- you do?  
Arnold- Yes.  
Helga- Good for you  
Arnold- (Laughing) Helga! I'm serious  
Helga- Okay, sorry. What?  
Arnold- I think that I...love you  
Helga- Really?  
Arnold- Yes. I mean...I didn't write beautiful poetry about you or anything special,   
Helga- Oh that doesn't matter, it's just a hobby of mine,   
Arnold- But I did build this...well sort of a shrine....  
Helga- Huh?!  
Arnold- It's not great, but it reminds me of you  
Helga- You're joking.  
Arnold- No...  
(Helga goes in to kiss him again, but just then, an old man with crazy hair walks in)  
Man- Arnold!  
(Arnold and Helga quickly sit up.)  
Arnold- Who are you?  
Man- Very funny. Look Arnold, you need to come with me!  
Arnold- Go with you? Go where? I just got back!  
Man- I need you to come to the future!  
Arnold- The future?   
Man- Yes, we have to stop something terrible from happening!  
Arnold- Is it something about Helga and I?  
Man- Oh no, you and Helga are fine...it's your kids, Arnold! Something has got to be done with your kids!  
Helga- Kids!?   
(Helga passes out)  
Arnold- (Kneeling down) Helga?   
Man- Let's go!  
Arnold- We can't just leave her!  
Man- Bring her with! This concerns her too!  
(Arnold heaves Helga over his shoulder, and carries her outside to an ugly pinto car)  
Arnold- Couldn't we have taken a cab?   
Man- This is the time machine!  
Arnold- Time machine? It's a Delorean!  
Man- Hey hey, (pointing to Helga) I don't make fun of your treasures!   
(Arnold glares at the old man.)  
Arnold- What is your name anyway?  
Man- You can call me Doc.  
Arnold- Alright, well, Doc...Where are we going?  
Doc- July 27th, 2025.  
Arnold- ...ooookay...why July 27th...2025?  
Doc- I dunno, it just sounds good. But the year is important, Arnold! Your oldest child is nine...they need a little...well push in the right direction...  
Arnold- Why?  
Doc- Let's just say, their not....focused.  
Arnold- Focused! Pff, yeah right! My kids? Not be focused...  
(Arnold looks down at Helga)  
Arnold- Oh....  
Doc- Let's go!  
(The Delorean reaches 88.5 mph, and snaps into a time warp)  
Doc- Let's do the time warp again!  
Arnold- Uhhh...  
Doc- Oh, sorry.  
(They are instantly in the future...2025...)

(They come to a stop in front of a house. It's not the best looking house, but it's not very bad either. It's the neighborhood 2 districts over from P.S.118)  
Arnold: Okay Doc, what's wrong? Is this my house?  
Doc: Yep, this is your house  
Arnold: I can't afford any better?   
Doc: Oh no, u can afford a lot better, and you'll see when you get in the house. But you wanted your kids to grow up like you.  
Arnold: I can see why I would do that, they might've ended up like Lorenzo. So how is my kid not focused?  
Doc: Why don't you go into the house and see for yourself.  
(Arnold, with Helga on his shoulder, goes inside the house. Helga wakes up and jumps off Arnold's shoulder)  
Helga: What's going on?  
Arnold: Were in 2025, and Doc here told me that our oldest kid, whose 9, isn't focused.  
Helga: Isn't focused??? But they have you as a father, oh wait, I'm their mother, never mind. Is THIS where we live??  
Arnold: Yep, were not really poor, we just want our kids to grow up like we did.  
Helga: Why would we want that?  
Arnold: Do you want our kids to have busy schedules like Lorenzo?  
Helga: No  
Arnold: There ya go.  
Helga: Okay Doc, lead us to uh, is it a him or a her?  
Doc: Him  
Helga: Okay then, Lead us to him.  
  


Doc leads Arnold and Helga upstairs to the kid's bedroom. They are invisible to the whole household. 

Arnold waited for her. The wait seemed as if it were an eternity. Suddenly he heard the door latch creek. Someone was entering the room. The door opened and a gleam of light hit his face. Then he saw her. Helga. Arnold saw her come in like a dazzling apparition. He trembled, his pulse beat violently, the world and its entirety escaped him. She was all to him. Still dressed in her white wedding gown, the young girl was blushing, confused, and innocent. Her medium length blond hair fell loosely around her face.   
"So, football head, ready to show me the birds and the bees?" Arnold half smiled.  
And with those words, the two lovers collapsed onto the bed in a tangle of young limbs.  
  


"What the hell is going on?"  
Stunned at another voice in the room, the two looked up to see a crotchety old man and a nine year old standing besides their bed.  
"Doc, we just walked in on two people on their wedding night!" Arnold gasped.  
"Great Scott! I must have punched in the wrong year on my Delorian's time clock. This must be your home a few years before the date I intended for us."  
"Um ... what's going on?" Arnold from the bed asked.  
"Nothing ... forget you ever saw a thing." Doc, replied and the two hurriedly exited the room

Arnold: Whoa! That was close! I'm glad we got out of there!  
Helga: What just happened? Who were those people? And why the hell did we interrupt their... Honeymoon?  
Doc: One thing, that is you two in the future... er... uh... during your honeymoon.  
Helga: ........  
Arnold: *thinking* Man, I didn't think Helga would be SO beautiful in the future... and to think... She's mine. All MINE! (a weird smirk grows widely on his face as he looks at Helga, that love stuck look he gave all the girls he really, really liked)  
Helga: *curious* What are you smiling at, football-head?  
Arnold: ..... Nothing..... (goes back to normal) Hey doc, think you can blast us to the right time? I mean... What happened back there might turn out to be... you know.... *thinking* A lot better *out loud* worse!  
Doc: Yes, I've just punched in the right time and place.... and here we go!  
(The Delorean sputtered and choked.)  
Arnold- uhh, is it supposed to do that?  
Doc- Umm...yes! Of course!  
Helga- Oh great! We're all gonna die in this heap of junk!  
Arnold- Calm down, Helga. I'm sure Doc knows how to get it working again  
Doc- Right you are, boy!  
(Doc pushes buttons frantically to get the car to stop. He finally pulls out a crowbar, and bashes the time clock. They whirl and twirl, until they stop sharply, giving them minor whiplash)  
Helga- OW!   
Arnold- (Rubbing his neck) Are you okay?  
Helga- NO I'M NOT ARNOLD!   
(Arnold gently massages Helga's neck.)  
Helga- Get your hands off...ooo...that feels great!  
(Arnold smiles, but stops and adopts the look of horror on his face, when he sees Doc)  
Arnold- OMIGOD! Doc! Are you okay?!  
(Doc is bloody, and wrapped around the steering wheel)  
Doc- Just peachy...  
Arnold- Hold on, I'll get you out!  
Doc- No....listen Arnold, you must go on!  
Arnold- I don't understand.  
Doc- It doesn't matter what happens to me, Arnold. It's you that has to go on. Not Me, not Helga, you.  
Arnold- Okay...  
Doc- You're a great wizard Arnold.  
Arnold- Not as good as you.  
Doc- Me? Books and cleverness...there are more important things. Like love, and friendship. Just be careful Arnold.  
Arnold- I will.  
(Doc dies)  
Arnold- Noooooo!!!!  
Helga- What the-  
Arnold- Noooooo!!!!  
Helga- Wait! Shut up! When the hell did you become a wizard?  
Arnold- The same day you became a princess  
Helga- Fair enough  
  
(They get out of the car to see where they are. They are in a sparkling chrome building.)  
Helga- What is this place?  
Arnold- Why is everything made of chrome?  
Robot- Intruders!  
Helga- ACK!!  
(Helga jumps into Arnold's arms)  
Arnold- Who are you?  
Robot- I am Sponge Bob 2318  
Arnold- Uh huh....and what the hell is this place?  
Sponge Bob 2318- Why this is the Krusty Krab, of course!  
(Helga gets down from Arnold)  
Helga- Oh of course! This is EXACTLY where we wanted to be!  
Arnold- Calm down, Helga. Maybe he knows a way out  
Helga- oh yeah, He probably just keeps a time machine just lying around!  
Sponge Bob 2318- Oh, time machine? Down the hall, second door on the right.  
(Sponge Bob 2318 leaves. Arnold and Helga look at each other, then break out into a mad dash down the hall, to the second door on the right. A strange squid is exiting)  
Squidward- Huh? Where am I?   
Helga- Ask the weird Sponge guy....he's over there  
(Helga points, and Squidward walks in that direction, very confused. Helga and Arnold jump into the room and slam the door)  
Squidward- WAIT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK HERE WITH SPONGEBOB!!!! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!  
Helga- (Through the window) Yeah right! You stole our time slot! I hope you rot!!! I HATE YOU!!! HEAR ME!!! HATE-!  
Arnold- (Grabbing Helga's arms) CALM DOWN, HELGA!  
Helga- sorry...  
(They look around the room)  
Helga- There's no knobs or buttons!  
Arnold- Maybe we just say where we want to go...  
Helga- Oh yeah, that'll work just swell-  
Arnold- To my house, July 27, 2002...please  
(The room shakes and they can feel it rise and fall rapidly)  
Helga- AHHHH!!!! We're gonna dieeee!!!  
(Arnold crawls over to Helga, and holds her. Helga gratefully holds onto him for dear life)  
Helga- *Thinking* well at least if I die, I'm in my true love's arms...  
Arnold- *Thinking* well at least if we do die, I'm with her...  
*Carm sighs*  
Arnold- HEY!? WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO SIGH!?  
Carm- Sorry, my bad.  
*Back to the story*  
Arnold- Thank you.  
Carm- Don't mention it.  
(The room comes to a halt. And Arnold helps Helga to her feet. they go to the door, and open it. They are in Arnold's closet)  
Helga- We're in your closet! Hurray!  
Arnold- How did you know this was my closet?  
Helga- Because.....uhhh....this shirt!  
(Arnold eyes her suspiciously, but Helga quickly opens the door, and reveals that they are indeed back.)  
Arnold- Oh, I'm so glad that's all over with!  
Helga- Me too...I'm going home.  
Arnold- Wait!  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- I...er...well, I...  
Helga- Aww, are you gonna miss me?  
Arnold- Yea-  
Helga- TOO BAD! I'M TIRED, AND DIRTY-  
Arnold- Let's take a shower.  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- Come on, it'll be fun.  
Helga- Are you crazy!? I'm not taking a shower with you!  
Arnold- Why not? Afraid?  
Helga- NO! It's...just that....well...(She grabs him by the ear and shouts) WE'RE NINE!!!!!  
Arnold- Oww! Yeah I know...! That's why we'd wear our bathing suits! I wasn't suggesting...  
Helga- ...I'll think about it...

Helga: *thinking* .... you perv.... You have such a nasty mind, Arnold.  
Arnold: C'mon, please, Helga?  
Helga: Okay, okay, okay, Arnoldo! Just don't get any bright ideas, okay. *thinking* Something tells me I should've stayed home. 

(So Arnold and Helga get into the shower, in their bathing suits, and are well, showering.)  
Arnold: Hey Helga, pass me the shampoo  
Helga: Okay, which one is yours?  
Arnold: The one that says moisturizes.  
Helga: Okay, that narrows it down to 5  
Arnold: the green one!  
Helga: And were down to 2.  
Arnold: The one with KIWI!!  
Helga: Alright, alright, here ya go. Hey Football head, you have pretty nice abs for a 9 year old.  
Arnold: *eyeing her suspiciously* I do?  
Helga: Yeah, you do.  
Arnold: Thanks Helga.  
Knock Knock Knock  
(Arnold and Helga look at each other, Arnold tells her to keep quiet)  
Arnold: Who is it?  
Mr. Hyunn: It is Mr. Hyunn, Arnold. You have been in there long time. I need to shower. You are wasting water. And why are there pink clothes in the hallway? Is that creepy girl in there wit you?  
Helga: grrrrrrr....  
Arnold: sshhh!! Um, no Mr. Hyunn. I'll be out in 10 minutes, just give me a little bit of time. Just go back to your room so you can wait comfortably.  
Mr. Hyunn: Okay..Arnold. I will do that. But I'll be back.  
Arnold: I told you to be quiet! And why are your clothes out there?  
Helga: Haven't you ever heard of reflexes? And I didn't know where to put them!  
Arnold: So you put them in the hallway??  
Helga: I wasn't thinking okay?  
Arnold: What were you thinking about??  
Helga: Oh nothing... What are we going to do for the next 10 minutes? Aren't you done in here?  
Arnold: Maybe I am, and Maybe I'm not.  
(A small smile spreads on his face)

*Helga raises her eyebrow. Before anything can be said or done knock is heard at the door*  
  


Grandpa: Short man? You in there?  
Arnold: *muttering to himself* YEAH, Grandpa!  
Grandpa: Is this your dress out in the hallway?  
*Helga keeps herself from laughing hysterically*  
Arnold: Um... yeah, Grandpa, it's mine.  
Grandpa: Okay, short man. I'm gonna throw it in the laundry.  
Arnold: Uh-  
*Grandpa's footsteps fade slowly away*  
Helga: Great ARNOLDO, how am I supposed to get outta here?  
Arnold: *eyes a bathrobe on the wall* I have an idea.  
*A few minutes later, a hunched figure wearing a bathrobe exits the bathroom. A hood is covering their face. It goes up to Arnold's room and the person removes the bathrobe, revealing Arnold and Helga.*  
Arnold: Man, that was close.  
Helga: *sarcastic* Yeah, genius idea about the shower. Now what am I gonna wear?  
*Door suddenly opens to reveal a stricken Gerald dangling Helga's pink dress on the end of his finger. He spots both of them. They're awfully close*  
Gerald: What's going on here?!  
  
  



	6. Aw, Young Love!

*Helga and Arnold immediately shimmy away from each other*  
Helga: Nothing, GERALDO!  
Gerald: *Skeptically* Right. Then why did I find YOUR dress in Arnold's laundry basket?  
Helga: Because... Because I fell in a mud puddle and he offered to clean it for me!  
Gerald: *Looking at dress* looks pretty clean to me!  
Arnold: It's nothing, really Gerald. There's a logical explanation for all of this.  
  
*A man with a loose hat and triangle sideburns steps through the door*  
Man: Quite the contrary, Mr. Arnold.  
*Arnold, Helga, and Gerald all exchange confused looks.*  
Helga: What are you doing here?  
Arnold: How do you know my name?  
Man: I have information on you, young man. You and your friends.  
Gerald: Tell us who you are, or suffer the consequences!  
  


*The man's face never changes, always wearing an impenetrable passive look on his face, but a glint of amusement is in his eye. He raises an eyebrow*  
Man: Oh?  
Gerald: Yeah!  
*Gerald leaps at the man and the man grabs him with both hands. He lifts up the struggling Gerald with incredible strength. Gerald manages to kick at him, kicking part of his face and knocking odd his hat. He has POINTED EARS! A trickle of green blood runs down his cheek*  
  


*Helga and Arnold shrivel back in fear. Gerald freezes. The man raises an eyebrow in surprise. Tall brown-haired girl steps through the door*  
  
Arana: AWESOME! It's Spock!  
Arnold: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be writing the story!  
Arana: Oh, yeah. Sorry!  
*She leaves. Spock sighs*  
Spock: I need you to come with me, Arnold, Helga and Gerald.  
*Before the three can reply, Spock whips out his communicator.*  
Spock: Spock to _Enterprise_. Four to beam up.  
(They are beamed to the Enterprise)  
Helga- What the-  
Gerald- Nice ship!  
Arnold- Um, Mr. Spock, guy...where are we?  
Spock- We are on the star ship Enterprise  
Helga- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, did you say STAR ship?  
Spock- That is correct  
Helga- as in, outter space?  
Gerald- That's what he's saying.  
(Helga passes out)  
Arnold- She does that a lot when your writing, Carm.  
Carm- Shush!  
Arnold- Sorry...  
(Arnold once again goes down to pick up Helga)  
Spock- There is no need for that Arnold. Spock to Sick Bay, please beam Miss Pataki to a bed to regain consciousness.  
Dr. on the intercom- Yes sir.  
(Helga disappears)  
Gerald- That is too freaky  
Arnold- Yeah...so, um, what are we doing here?  
Spock- Please follow me to the Bridge.  
(They follow Spock to the main bridge.)  
Kirk- Welcome Arnold, Gerald...and where is Helga?  
Spock- She is currently in Sick Bay  
Kirk- Motion sickness?  
Arnold- No, she just couldn't deal with the fact that she's on a space ship.  
Kirk- Huh, I don't see what's odd about that...Anyway, welcome to my ship.  
Gerald- Nice uniforms....can I get one?  
Kirk- Ha ha, oh, Gerald. You have to go to Starfleet Academy to earn one of those!  
Gerald- Well can I at least get a communicator?  
Kirk- Ha ha....No.  
(Gerald grumbles something to himself)  
Kirk- The reason I asked you here today boys, is because of a top secret mission I need you to go on.  
Arnold- What kind of mission?  
Kirk- See that planet? (Points to the front screen) That is an unknown, uncharted planet. We want you boys to go check it out.  
Arnold- Us?  
Gerald- Aren't you supposed to send professionals on that kind of mission? We're only nine!  
Kirk- Ha ha...Oh....It's not an option. You will go.  
Arnold- but why?  
Kirk- Arnold, do you honestly think I would sacrifice one of my own crew members for such an obscene task? Ha ha...no. Now go.  
Arnold- But-  
Kirk- Security.  
(Security takes them to the shuttle bay, and launches them off, with Helga...still unconscious)  
Gerald- Arnold, this really bites.  
Arnold- Yeah.  
(Gerald pushes some flashy buttons)  
Gerald- Hey, it's kinda fun when you push the buttons...  
Arnold- You do that, I'm going to check on Helga  
Gerald- Whatever you say Arnold...No hanky-panky back there! I can still hear you!  
(Arnold rolls his eyes at Gerald, and walks over to Helga. He lifts her head and rests it on his lap. She stirs, and opens her eyes lazily)  
Helga- ...Oh Arnold...Oh, I do...I do  
Arnold- You do what?  
Helga- I do take you to be my lawfully wedded husband....  
Arnold- I see.  
Helga- In sickness and health...  
Arnold- 'Til death do us part?  
Helga- Yeah....HUH!?  
Arnold- Feeling okay?  
Helga- Where am I?  
Arnold- We're on a shuttle craft  
Helga- Ugh! You mean that whole nonsense about being in outer space was real?!  
Arnold- Yup.  
Helga- Crap....  
Gerald- Yeah, and we have to go down to a planet that no one else has been to! ALONE!  
Helga- Great! I can't wait.  
(Helga sits up, and rubs her neck)  
Helga- I feel like I've been sleeping on a piece of plywood...  
Arnold- Here.   
(Arnold rubs Helga's shoulders.)  
Helga- So...how did we get here again?  
Arnold- We were transported  
Helga- Oh, right. A little to the left...yeah...that's the spot.  
Arnold- tee hee!  
Carm- Arnold, since when do you say tee hee?  
Arnold- since you wrote it on my script.  
Carm- right-o!  
  
(The shuttle craft lands, and they exit. They land on the planet and they walk out of the ship)  
Gerald: I guess we're here  
Helga: Will this ever end?  
Arnold: Probably not.  
*Tyra's laughs evilly in the background*  
Arnold: No, it's not.  
Spock: Arnold, sir?  
Arnold: Where did you come from???  
Spock: Now, if you'll follow me I'll lead and show you to the problem!   
*They enter a building*  
Arnold: What is the problem? Why do you need us for?  
Spock: The answer's right behind this door...  
*He opens one of the high-tech doors and inside it was...*  
Monster: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!  
Arnold, Helga and Gerald: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!  
Spock: Oops, wrong room.   
*He closes it and moves on to another door and opens it. Inside the room was empty beside a man and a huge table*  
Spock: I've brought them, Mr. Lynn, as you requested!  
Lynn: Good work, Spock! I'll call you when I need you.  
Spock: Yes, sir. *leaves*  
Arnold: Hey Mr.-  
Lynn: Just call me Lynn.  
Arnold: ... right... I must ask... Why are we here and didn't Kirk say that this planet was unknown?  
Lynn: Well, I'll tell you... first... I'll answer your second question... Kirk lied about the planet so that you'd three would be here.  
Arnold: ???? Oh... *grumbles*  
Lynn: Please, Arnold, Helga, Gerald.... Come in and sit down, make yourselves comfortable... for what I'm about to tell you is going to be mind-boggling news.  
*Helga, Arnold, and Gerald's faces look spooked, yet it looked more like "What the hell is going on" look*  
Lynn: Arnold, Helga, Gerald, you were all sent here because I have some bad news... The enemies have finally found how to really end your show from ever existing... The thing is, the found a solution that will make the job complete and nobody will want to watch your show, ever....  
Arnold: What is it, Lynn?   
Lynn: Arnold, they are no longer after you... but... they are after the one who really made the show possible and why many fans out there like it... The only one who seemed to really care for you, love you...  
Arnold: ???????  
Lynn: They're after *looks at Helga* you, Helga!   
Arnold, Helga, and Gerald: WHAT?????  
Lynn: They're going to find a way to erase you.... Either that, or turn you on their side.  
Arnold: *gets out of his seat* WHAT??! ERASE HER!?!?!?!  
Lynn: But, that might not happen... there's something else.... the reason why I said that hey might turn her over their side is that... Brian... or should I say "Brainy",   
Arnold: Brainy?!?!  
Lynn: Yes, the future "Brainy" is on their side and he wont let them hurt her! Actually he's their new leader as of now... since you destroyed the others.  
Arnold: Brainy!?!?! 

Arnold: Brainy!?!?! The future leader?????? Not something I would've expected, but okay.   
Helga: Okay, and please tell me, how in the world is brainy going to change my outlook of things?  
Lynn: Brainwashing and blackmailing of course.  
Helga: Oh.  
Lynn: Now, Brainy has already started to blackmail the enterprise, starting an hour ago. We need somebody to send to a spot to act as you, but were going to send you off somewhere else, so you can keep Helga safe. Any ideas?  
(The 3 think and think until they Arnold comes up with something)  
Arnold: I got it! Someone we won't care get hurt!  
Gerald: Who?  
Arnold: CARROT TOP!!!  
Helga: You know, that just might work.  
Lynn: Okay, you need to get this Carrot Top guy you speak of asap so we can send him off.   
Arnold: Oh that's simple, Gerald, will you do the honors?  
Gerald: Sure! *starts talking real loud* YOU KNOW, BRAINY NEVER USES 1-800-CALLATT.  
(crickets chirp for a minute)  
Pop: Carrot Top!!! That's your Cue!!!  
Carrot Top: Oh sorry, I'm right on it!  
Pop: Thank you!  
Carrot Top:*arrives suddenly* WHAT? Who didn't? Where are they??? When I find them, i'm going to kick their asses!  
Helga: Settle down, fro boy, you'll get to. Just go get in that rocket, and we'll blast you right to them.  
(carrot top gets in the launcher, and is launched on his way to Brainy)  
Lynn: Now, once Brainy discovers that Carrot Top is in that rocket, he's going to send many hideous creatures after you. We need to hide you. And give you some bodyguards.  
Arnold: Hideous creatures? What kind?  
Lynn: Orchs, Arnold, Orchs.  
Arnold: No wonder we need bodyguards.   
Lynn: I'm sending you with the finest I know of. The Fellowship.  
Helga: Hey don't they have their own fanfics from millions of fans?  
Pop: Yeah, but I wanna put Legolas in the fic.  
Helga: Okay fine, fine.  
Lynn: Get in that launcher over there, nobody we'll notice you.  
Gerald: But that's a trash rocket!  
Lynn: Do you want the pink one??  
Gerald: No  
Lynn: Then get in. The fellowship will join you on a mid stop planet, and then they will guide you on to a safe spot.

(Arnold, Gerald, and Helga get into the trash rocket, and blast off to meet the fellowship. Gerald is sitting in front of the controls.)

  
Gerald- Okay...  
Arnold- Do you know how to fly this?  
Gerald- ....no  
Helga- Wonderful! I feel REALLY safe now...  
Arnold- Don't worry Helga, we won't let them do anything to you.  
(Helga does a goofy sigh)  
Gerald- uhhh, Arnold...?  
Arnold- Yeah?  
Gerald- What are all those dots ahead of us?  
Helga- Stars, doi!  
Arnold- No...(Looking out the front window) Those aren't stars....they're...  
Gerald- Popcorn????  
Arnold- Yeah.... But they can't be real, can they?  
Helga- Let's find out.   
(Helga pushes a bunch of buttons strategically, and a big contraption on the side of the ship reaches out and grabs a piece of popcorn, and takes it safely inside. Gerald and Arnold's jaws are hanging.)  
Gerald- how...how...?  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- That was amazing! Where did you learn to do that?  
Helga- (Sighs, shamefully) what? My dad sent me to Space Camp when I was seven...  
Gerald- You never told us that!  
Helga- Oh come on, who cares? It was stupid. Let's take a look at this thing...  
(They follow Helga to the container with the extremely large piece of popcorn.)  
Helga- Computer, (The computer makes a noise) analyze substance.  
Computer- The substance is known as Earth, Popcorn.  
Helga- Is it edible?  
Computer- Affirmative  
Helga- WHOO HOO!!  
(Helga opens the container and starts munching on the big popcorn kernel. Arnold and Gerald watch as she pigs out)  
Helga- What? Come on, it's good! I'm starving!  
(They look at each other, then Arnold and Gerald dig in. They eat until they are stuffed. They are all lounging on the floor.)  
Arnold- Man, I'm thirsty  
Helga- Computer, three waters please.  
(Computer generates three glasses of water on the Food Replicator Pad. Helga gets up to get them. Gerald whispers something to Arnold, and she nods, and whispers something back. They seem to agree about something. Helga hands them each water, and sits back down.)  
Gerald- You know Helga, you really amaze me today  
Helga- Sure.  
Gerald- No really...I mean, I wouldn't have known how to make food in this place! Your like some, space genius.  
Helga- Oh, come off it, what do you want?  
Gerald- Nothing, really!  
Arnold- You amazed me too. Actually these last few days have been really crazy, but you pulled us out. It's like I've seen a whole new side of you.  
Helga- What are you two getting at?  
(Arnold and Gerald look at each other and nod)  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- Helga, are you by chance...Cecile?  
Helga- Uh...what? what are you talking about?   
Gerald- Well, Cecile was nice, and sensitive...  
Arnold- Kind of what you have been on and off through yesterday and today  
Helga- You two think too much. No, I am not Cecile. I am not French, and I'm not nice and sensitive  
(Arnold looks at Gerald again...)  
Arnold- Oww! Oww! Oh, my stomach! I think that Popcorn was poisoned!  
Helga- Arnold! Are you okay!? (kneeling over Arnold, who has keeled over on his side)  
Gerald- Can I get you something Arnold!?  
Arnold- Water....more water...  
Helga- Ger him water hairboy!  
(Gerald gets up slowly, and casually walks over to the replicator)  
Helga- Arnold, what can I do?  
Arnold- I'm sorry Helga, I don't think I can hold on much longer...  
Helga- No! Your fine! See, Gerald and I aren't sick! It's okay!  
Arnold- Thank you for everything Helga, I really...lo...  
(Arnold closes his eyes)  
Helga- Arnold!? ARNOLD!! No please, don't die! You can't die! I love you, Arnold! I love you!  
(Arnold opens his eyes, and gives a smug smile at Helga.)  
Arnold- See.  
(Helga smacks Arnold hard in the face. Arnold covers himself with his hands. Helga moves his hands away and kisses him. Gerald coughs to cover up a laugh.)  
Gerald- You two are the weirdest kids I know.  
(Helga doesn't stop kissing him)  
Gerald- Uhh... Okay...I'm just gonna go....check on the....ship...  
(Helga remains where she is, Arnold not stopping her. Gerald sits at the control chair and shakes his head. He looks out in front of him)  
Gerald- Oh shit...You guys...? ......ARNOLD! HELGA!!!  
(Helga holds out her pointer finger, indicating one more minute)  
Gerald- Ugh...  
(Gerald waits a minute.)  
Gerald- Okay, It's been a minute! There's the half way planet!!!  
(Helga pulls Arnold up with her, their lips still locked together, and they side-walk to the front of the ship. Helga opens one eye, and looks out at the planet.)  
Helga- (Talking out of the side of her mouth) That's great Gerald.  
Gerald- Oh geez, go back where you were! I don't wanna watch that!  
(Helga shrugs, and pulls Arnold to the back of the ship again.)  
Gerald- Computer...Hot chocolate.  
(Gerald gets up, and grabs a hot chocolate from the replicator.)  
Gerald- Oh, computer? Do you possibly have pictures on file?  
Computer- Affirmative. There are 45896431665485 pictures available on file.  
Gerald- Whoa...okay, um, is there possibly one of a Phoebe Hyerdahl?  
Computer- Please specify planet  
Gerald- Earth  
Computer- Please specify year  
Gerald- 2002.  
Computer- Please specify more household family members  
Gerald- Oh...let's see, her mom's name is Reba, and her dad's name is....Kyo.  
Computer- File found.  
(The front screen divides, showing half taken up with several pictures of Phoebe. Gerald smiles, and sips his Hot Chocolate)  
Gerald- I miss you Phoebe...

"I miss you too, Gerald," says a disembodied voice.   
"What in the *loud crash*, who said that?"   
"I did," replied the voice.  
"Where are you?" asked Gerald.   
"Turn around."   
Gerald turned around. He didn't see anything. "You said to turn around and I did."  
"I am extremely sorry, Gerald, I haven't fully mastered this technique yet."   
As this was said, Phoebe materialized in front of Gerald.   
"Phoebe!" Gerald exclaimed and promptly passed out.   
Phoebe- Gerald!? Gerald...are you okay?  
Gerald- (Rubbing his head) How did you do that? Where the heck did you come from?  
Phoebe- I head about you, Arnold and Helga from Fuzzy Slippers, and so I read up on how to materialize. Plus I read in the last entry Carm made, that you missed me.  
Gerald- (Blushing) yeah...  
Phoebe- I missed you too.  
Gerald- Really?  
Phoebe- Yeah.  
(Gerald leans in to kiss Phoebe, but they are interrupted with Helga walks up, her hand holding Arnold's)  
Helga- Hey, how'd you get here?  
Phoebe- I learned how to materialize.  
Helga- Cool. Well it's good to see you  
Phoebe- It's good to see you too Helga. Hi Arnold.  
Arnold- Hi Phoebe.  
Helga- Well, see you later.  
(Helga grabs Arnold, and kisses him, shoving him back into the room in the back of the ship.)  
Phoebe- wow. Are they together now?  
Gerald- I...don't know...  
Phoebe- It's kind of sweet actually.  
Gerald- Why is that?  
Phoebe- Well, her loving him since pre-school and all.  
Gerald- Pre-school? That's a long time  
Phoebe- Yeah, well...good things come to those who wait.  
(Gerald smiles. Phoebe sits looking at Gerald...waiting.)  
Gerald- Um, Phoebe?  
Phoebe- Yes Gerald?  
(Gerald blushes, then kisses Phoebe. They both smile, when all of a sudden, there is a loud CRASH from outside. The ship hits something, and they slide into something hard. The ship has obviously grounded. Helga comes running in from the back)  
Helga- Gerald! What'd you do now?  
Gerald- It wasn't me!  
Arnold- (Looking at the control station) We must've gotten too close to the planet without paying attention, and the gravity pulled us down to the surface.  
Helga- Wouldn't we have crashed?  
Arnold- I'm guessing the auto-pilot helped us not plummet to the ground  
Gerald- So now what?  
Phoebe- We go outside?  
Helga- Let's go!  
(They open the ship's door, and Gerald and Phoebe walk out. Arnold starts to walk out, when Helga grabs him and pulls him back)  
Arnold- What? (Smiling, thinking she wants another kiss)  
Helga- This...never happened.  
Arnold- Why?  
Helga- ....IT JUST DIDN'T OKAY!?  
Arnold- Okay Helga, whatever you say.  
(They exit)

The planet seemed to be some sort of paradise. As far as the eye can see were lush trees and snow covered mountain tops.  
"Where, exactly are we?" Gerald asked.  
"By my calculations, it appears that we are on earth."  
Gerald, Arnold, and Helga stared at Phoebe in astonishment.  
"What do you mean, earth."  
"Actually, this is middle earth."  
All four looked down to see a short young man standing before them. He stood about 3 ft. high and his attire was something you might associate with woodland creatures from a fantasy novel. His eyes were deep-set and blue. There seemed to be a lot of warmth in those eyes. Around his neck he wore a thin rope with a ring dangling against his chest.  
"And just who are you?" Helga asked in her usual pissed off voice.  
"Forgive me, I am Frodo Baggins," his eyes shifted to Helga and lit up, " and I believe you are Helga G. Pataki."  
Helga's eyes widened in surprise, "How do you know my name?"  
"We all know your name here, Helga."   
Feeling a bit of possessiveness for Helga, Arnold stood in front of her and demanded from Frodo, "And just why is that?"  
Frodo smiled at their ignorance, "She is the child of the prophecy and now that she is here the prophecy can be fulfilled."  
"Hold on Bucko! I ain't nobody's child, especially not a prophecy's child!"  
"How little you know, come and I will show you all there is to know." Frodo took a hold of Helga's hand, "Your friends are welcome as well. Whoever you deem worthy, our people will deem worthy as well."

"How little you know, come and I will show you all there is to know." Frodo took a hold of Helga's hand, "Your friends are welcome as well. Whoever you deem worthy, our people will deem worthy as well."   
  
Helga: Well then, I'm must be a princess again. Arnold, your my prince. 2nd thought, I'm queen, so your king. Pheebs, you get to be the Duchess  
Gerald: What about me?  
Helga: Oh yeah, right, I forgot, Phoebe, make him whatever you want.  
Phoebe: Okay Gerald, you can be the Duke.   
Gerald: Duke , eh? Okay, cool  
Frodo: Here you are Helga, this is your fellowship. Me included of course. There is 4 of me, Hobbits, an elf, a troll, 2 humans and a wizard.  
Helga: Nice to meet ya. Hey, You're kinda cute *points to Legolas*  
(Legolas blushes)  
Arnold: grrrrrr *gives dirty look*  
Helga: What????? He is! But I didn't say I actually liked him. *winks*  
Arnold: Better.  
(Gerald and Phoebe exchange a look)  
(So Arnold, Gerald, Phoebe, and Helga are escorted through the small village, and our welcomed with a night of Festivities. Afterward, they are escorted to a hotel near by that is under close watch. The next morning they will leave.)  
Frodo: Here is the room for the night, I'm sorry there was only one available. I'll lock it up and make sure it is well guarded. Good night.  
All: Good night!  
Helga: Okay, well, there are 2 beds. How do you wanna arrange this?

"Arnold, how is it that WE ended up sleeping on the floor?"  
Arnold gave out a long sigh and looked at Gerald, "Because, it just wouldn't be right ..."  
Gerald sent his friend an irritated look, "Seems you were all to eager to offer Helga a bed. What kind of spell does the prophecy child have over you anyway?"  
Standing from his position on the floor Arnold headed for the door, "Gerald, don't do this. I can't deal with this conversation right now. I've got too much on my mind."  
"Fine then." Gerald snapped back.  
"I'm going for a walk." Arnold opened the door and nodded to the guards that stood outside.  
(time elapses an hour)  
Helga heard a noise scratching at the window. Annoyed and half awake, the girl slipped to the window and opened it to find Arnold out in the moonlight.  
"Helga!"  
"Shhhhh," she hushed him, "Gerald and Phoebe are still sleeping."  
"I want to show you something."  
"Right now, no way!" She refused.  
"Oh, come on, stop acting like you don't care."  
"Doi hair boy, it's the middle of the night."  
"Please, Helga!" Arnold pleaded.  
Helga's features sombered a bit and she obliged, "Okay."  
She slipped out the window and into his arms. The ran across the grass to a tree, where Arnold had two horses tied.  
"Where'd you get these?" Helga asked stroking the main of one of the horses.  
"Long story, come on, I'll help you up."  
They rode side by side to a grove. Arnold helped her dismount. He tied the horses to a tree and took her hand. The two sat down on the earth.  
Helga spoke first, "So, this is it? This is what you wanted to show me?" She sounded uninterested.  
"No ..."   
They met each other's eyes and Arnold smiled gently, but seemed a bit uneasy. The cool breeze of night tousled his blond hair in front of his eyes.  
"Helga, there's something I wanna ask you."


	7. Frodo and the Impending Doom

"Helga, there's something I wanna ask you."  
Helga: *suddenly softens* What, Arnold?  
Arnold: I want you to be totally and completely honest with me.  
Helga: *hesitates* Okay...  
Arnold: Helga... Do you... *rubs back of neck nervously* Ah...  
Helga: Come on, Arnold, spit it out!  
Arnold: Do you actually love me?  
Helga: Well.. I...  
*Arnold waits patiently for her reply.*  
Helga: Well, that all depends on how you define love...  
Arnold: Ah, so you DO feel something for me.  
Helga: Of COURSE I do, Arnold! I mean, who wouldn't love you? You're sweet and kind... and mature...   
*Helga and Arnold draw closer together.*  
Helga: And... and sensitive...  
*They are inches away from each other.*  
*Suddenly, there is a soft weird noise and a shimmering effect and Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the expendable crewmember appear on the hill*  
Kirk: Well, Spock, McCoy, it looks like it's that time of the week again for bad acting, weird dialogue and cheesy special effects. Maybe we'll even get to see a red shirt die!  
*The three commanding officers eye the expendable crewmember. They suddenly see Arnold and Helga giving them pissed off looks*  
Kirk: Oops, sorry, wrong fanfic!  
*A knife comes out of nowhere and hits the expendable crewmember square in the chest. He grunts and falls back, dead.*  
McCoy: Hah! I TOLD you Spock! Dead in the first ten minutes!  
*holds out hand. Spock sighs and puts a twenty-dollar bill in it. A few seconds later, they are beamed back into the _Enterprise_*  
Helga: *sighs* Where were we?  
Arnold: I don't know... I kinda forgot when we were interrupted.  
Disembodied Kirk voice: Sorry!  
Arana: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge ya big donut hole!  
Helga: Hey, that's MY line!  
Arana: Sorry.  
*Arnold sighs and shakes his head.*  
Arnold: Can we NOT have ONE moment of PEACE?!  
Everybody: Sorry!  
*Arnold looks back at Helga, and he suddenly realizes how very beautiful she is. She has pulled her hair down from her pigtails and let it hang down naturally, where it falls to about her middle back. She is bathed in moonlight, and dressed in elegant robes provided by the hobbits. An eerie silver glow covers her, making her look like some sort of goddess of the moon, or an Albino. Helga realizes he's staring at her and shifts uncomfortably. Arnold snaps out of it*  
  
Arnold: *mumbling sheepishly* Sorry...  
Helga: It's all right. I don't mind, it's just that you've never really... paid any attention to me in the past. I'm just not used to it.  
Arnold: How long have you... loved me, Helga?  
Helga: Ever since I first laid eyes on you. You were the only one who ever showed me any compassion, anyone who noticed me. But me, being the idiot that I am, drove you away with insults and torment, when all I ever wanted was to take you in my arms and tell you everything. Ever since you said those first four words... "I like your bow."  
Arnold: Wow, Helga, I had no idea you felt that way for such a long time... You could've just told me.  
Helga: Really?  
Arnold: Yeah. I mean... *rubs his neck again* the worst I could've said was 'no,' right?  
Helga: Actually, I've played out several scenarios in my head for the past six years, and the worst I could come up with was "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! What, do you expect me to just RUN INTO your arms after all these years of torture and just have me FORGIVE all that? I DON'T THINK SO! I hope you DIE a lonely old HAG!"  
Arnold: *Puts hand on her shoulder reassuringly* Helga, you know I'd never do that.  
Helga: Yeah, I guess.  
Arnold: Helga, I have something else I want to ask you.  
Helga: Go ahead.  
Arnold: Were you ACTUALLY Cecile?  
Helga: I... um... er... Well, that is I...  
  
*Arnold smiles*  
Arnold: Maybe I should ask that one again later.  
Helga: Yeah... yeah. Maybe you should.  
*Arnold moves his hand from her shoulder and sets it down on the ground. He accidentally puts it on Helga's. They both look at it, then back up to each other.*  
  
Helga: Arnold...   
*Arnold and Helga start to inch closer together again. This time, nothing interrupts their near-kiss. Their lips meet, and they share a gentle, passionate kiss. Arnold brings Helga closer to him, kissing her deeply, Helga returns the kiss. They break away after a few moments and look into each other's eyes.*  
  


Arnold: Helga, I think I love you.  
Everybody: AAAAAWWWW!!  
Arnold: GET OUTTA HERE!  
  
*Mumbles from everyone.*  
  


*A weird and frightening sound is heard*  
  
Helga: *gripping Arnold tightly* Arnold, what was that?!

(the loud noise gets louder...and louder.)  
Arnold- It sounds like someone yelling...  
Helga- Let's run!  
Arnold- No, I think it's in pain...let's go see where it's coming from  
Helga- Are you nuts!?  
Arnold- (Holds out a little bag of peanuts) Here ya go.  
Helga- (Flicks the bag away) Arnold, you know what I meant!  
Arnold- Come on Helga...I'll protect you.  
Helga- *Mumbles* Oh that's reassuring...  
(They walk towards the loud yelling.)  
Arnold- It's coming from behind that hedge...  
Helga- Great.  
(They look cautiously around the hedge to reveal a large beast with red fur, tied upside down. There are little men in armor, with spears picking on him.)  
Arnold- They're really mean.  
Helga- Doi. Little people are always mean. They're making up for their shortness...  
Arnold- Helga!  
Helga- What!?  
(Arnold looks down, and finds a rock to throw at the little people. He pegs one right in the head, causing it to fall over dead. The others run away. Arnold slowly walks towards the beast)  
Beast- Rrrrooowwww!!  
Arnold- Hey! uhh...I'm here to help you get down!  
Beast- Raaaaaooowww!!!  
Helga- Oh crimeny Arnold! It's a monster! He doesn't have any idea what you're saying! He doesn't know what "DOWN" is!  
Beast- Down?  
Arnold- Yes! That's right, we'll get you down!  
Beast- Ludo down!  
Helga- Ludo!? What kinda name is Ludo?  
Ludo- Rooooowww!! Ludo!  
Arnold- (Scowls at Helga) I think Ludo is a great name!  
(Arnold helps Ludo down.)  
Arnold- I'm Arnold, this is Helga  
Ludo- Arnold  
Arnold- Yeah  
Ludo- Arnold friend!!!  
(ludo goes in to hug Arnold, but Arnold ducks out. Helga stands in front of Arnold)  
Helga- Don't be getting fresh with my man!  
Arnold- Helga...  
Helga- Can it! We do things my way now!  
(Arnold rolls his eyes)  
Ludo- Rrrrooowwww!!!  
Helga- Whaddea doing! I didn't say anything mean about you!  
(Rocks start coming towards Ludo. He picks up a big one and aims it at Helga)  
Arnold- LUDO!!! NO!!!! Helga is good!! She's MY friend!  
Ludo- Helga? Friend? ROWWWW!!  
Arnold- Uh, I think this is our cue to run...  
Helga- Right-o!  
(They break out into a mad dash as far away from Ludo as possible.)  
Arnold- Wait...where are we?  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- This isn't where we came from!  
(They look around and realize they're in a maze.)  
Helga- Just peachy.  
Arnold- Okay, um...how about we mark down where we have been, so we don't re-trace our steps.  
Helga- Brilliant  
Arnold- Thank you. What can we use?  
Helga- Got a pen?  
Arnold- (Checking his pockets) nope.  
Helga- Okay.....  
Arnold- Do you have any makeup?  
Helga- Why would I have.....oh...(Checks pocket) Yeah, I borrowed my mom's lipstick.  
Arnold- Perfect!  
(They walk in several directions, marking arrows on their way. Helga turns around, and notices some little goblin dude turned the arrow the other way)  
Helga- OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!  
Arnold- What?  
Helga- Someone has been changing our marks! That isn't fair! What a horrible place this is!  
Sara- Hey! That's my line!!!!  
Helga- Shove off toots, this is OUR fanfic!  
Sara- (Walking away) Bitch...  
Helga- No no you di-en't!  
(Helga runs and jumps onto Sara's back, causing the both of them to hit the pavement. Sara grabs Helga's hair, and pulls. Helga slams her head into the pavement. Some little goblin dude comes out of the ground.)  
Goblin- What's going on here?  
Helga- Here, wanna friend?  
Goblin- Ooooo...girly-girl!  
(Goblin takes Sara away)  
Helga- heh heh...yep, you don't mess with Helga G. Pataki!  
Arnold- You bad, Helga, you real bad!  
  
(They are instantly transported back to their moonlit horseback ride.)  
Helga- ooookay!  
Arnold- Yeah...  
Helga- So...Umm....  
Arnold- I love you  
Helga- HUH!?!?!?

Helga: You LOVE me???  
Arnold: Yes, I do, I love you.  
Helga: *looks deeply into her heart and says it* I love you too Arnold.  
  
Another LOUD sound erupts.  
  
Helga: *gripping Arnold tightly* Arnold, what was that?!  
Arnold: I dunno, look, a light.

"Wheeze, Wheeze, Wheeze."  
Helga: SHIT! Arnold, we need to get Gerald and Phoebe and get out of here!!  
(Helga and Arnold mount their Horses and race to the hotel. They tell one of the guards to go get the fellowship ready. Arnold and Helga walk in on Gerald and Phoebe kissing)  
Arnold: Gerald?!?!?  
Helga: Phoebe?!?!?  
Gerald: Arnold!  
Pheobe: Helga!  
Arnold: Uh, what's going on here?  
Phoebe: Nothing!! Where were you 2??  
Helga: Nowhere. Anyway, You got to get ready! Brainy is here!! We gotta get out of here!!  
(They all get ready and go out the door, guards follow close behind, the 4 are put on a wagon with the fellowship and Gandalf instantly has them appear in the middle of no where in front of a brand new rocket)  
Gandalf: I have made a new rocket with more room for the rest of our journey.  
(About 5 miles away, the spacecraft that Brainy is lands. All of them run into the ship but soon enough the Orchs arrive.)  
Legolas: Everyone in!!! I'll shoot a few arrows!  
(Legolas shoots arrows, kills a couple Orchs and heads into the rocket to slow them down. The rocket takes off at high speed)  
Sam: Hey Frodo, Is this a double mission of some sort?  
Frodo: No, why would you say that?  
Sam: Well, you have the ring around your neck.  
Frodo: Oh I forgot about that, I guess it is. Wherever we hide you Helga, you must take the ring, and hide it, really good.  
Helga: What for? It looks like an ordinary ring to me  
Frodo: You have to promise me! *He takes her and looks intensely into her eyes* You will take the ring and hide it.  
Helga: Okay, okay, I will I will!  
Gandalf: now when we get to this hide away planet, i will give you a book of spells to keep you safe and a few weapons. Also, some tips for survival.  
(The 2 humans take the controls and everyone separates to different rooms. They might be wandering the universe for some while. Gerald and Arnold get a room together, the girls their own)  
Arnold: Hey Gerald, I'm going to get something to drink. I'll be back in 5 minutes   
Gerald: Yeah. See ya in about an hour.  
Arnold: Gerald, I said 5 minutes,  
Gerald: Arnold, I'm not as dense as you! I know your going to see Helga!  
Arnold: Why would oyu think that???  
(Gerald gives him a look)  
Arnold: Whatever Gerald, I'll be back in 5 minutes.  
Gerald: Hey while you go visit Helga, why don't you send over Phoebe?  
Arnold: Gerald!  
Gerald: Fine, fine fine. See you in an hour.  
(Arnold goes to get a drink. On the way back, he notices Helga's door is open and sees Helga. Phoebe is heading out)  
Phoebe: She's all yours.  
Arnold: What are you talking about?  
Phoebe: I'm going to go see Gerald, She's all yours!  
(Arnold can't resist and goes into Helga's room and shuts it. Helga isn't surprised.)  
Helga: Hello Arnold  
Arnold: Hi.  
(They stare at each other for awhile...... Meanwhile, back at the ranch {it's just a phrase})  
Gerald: Man, what took you so long?  
Phoebe: *hops into Gerald's lap* Arnold wasn't admitting anything.  
Gerald: I swear, sometimes those 2 are alike.  
Phoebe: Yeah, but you gotta admit, you knew this was gonna happen  
Gerald: Maybe you did! Not me!  
Phoebe: Okay okay.  
Gerald- So...what do you want to do for an hour?  
Phoebe- Only an hour?  
Gerald- Well Arnold said 5 minutes, I said an hour...I'm guessing we'll see them tomorrow...  
(Phoebe smiles and makes out with Gerald)  
  
Some Surfer Dude- Um, Carmie, you do remember they are indeed nine..  
Carm- Yah  
Some Surfer Dude- So...they're not gonna like...get too dirty right?  
Carm- You're asking the wrong girl dude-guy! I'm the one who came up with the Arnold Sundae....remember  
Some Surfer Dude- Oh...right.  
Carm- Get the fuck outta here, you're pissing me off. This is my part of the fanfic, if ya don't like it, TOO BAD!  
  
(Meanwhile, before that rude asshole interrupted, Arnold and Helga are still staring)  
Helga- So are you gonna stare all night, or are you gonna come over here?  
Arnold- Oh...(sits by Helga)  
Helga- ...um...Arnold...?  
Arnold- Yeah?  
Helga- Did you really...mean what you said, earlier...?  
Arnold- About loving you?  
Helga- (Blushing profusely) yeah...  
Arnold- (taking Helga's hand) yes I did. Is that okay?  
Helga- Is that okay!? I just told you that I've loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you, Moron!  
Arnold- Gee thanks.  
Helga- (Putting a hand softly on his cheek) I didn't mean that.  
Arnold- Habit?  
Helga- Yeah.  
Arnold- So, can I ask you about Cecile now?  
Helga- What do you want to know?  
Arnold- You...were her, right? I mean, the one I had dinner with.  
Helga- (Sighs) yep, that was me.  
Arnold- Was that...the real you?  
Helga- What do you mean?  
Arnold- Well, I just mean, that's what your like when your nice?  
Helga- When I'm nice...  
Arnold- Well, I mean, you have to admit, you're not always the most pleasant person to be around  
Helga- Oh really...?  
Arnold- I'm sorry  
Helga- No! Don't be sorry...I'm just being called a bitch, that's all! No reason to be upset!  
Arnold- Helga, I didn't call you a bitch!  
Helga- (turning around) Yeah right. I know I'm mean...I know I call you bad things.  
Arnold- You don't mean it, I know that  
Helga- Sometimes...  
Arnold- Okay, sometimes. Most of the time, you're not like that  
Helga- Most of the time, I'm pissed off at my dull parents for being so goddamned stupid!  
Arnold- Helga!  
Helga- And I HATE my sister! She's such a whiney whore!  
Arnold- I thought-  
Helga- My dad is a moron, who can't remember my name for shit! And my mom is a damn smoothie-a-holic! I HATE my family! I HATE this mission we're on! I've always hated Brainy! And I hate that damn smell coming from the air ducts!  
Arnold- I think it's the AC.  
Helga- Well I hate it!  
Arnold- You hate a lot of things...  
Helga- Doi, Einstein!  
Arnold- Well, what do you love?  
(Helga looks at him, then at her feet.)  
Arnold- Come on Helga, there has to be somethings you've liked, or even loved in your whole life!  
Helga- I love my poetry...  
Arnold- There you go!  
Helga- I love...only that...and...you.  
Arnold- How long...?  
Helga- Pre-school  
Arnold- PRE-SCHOOL!?  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- I can't even remember back that far!  
Helga- Well I can....only that specific moment, though  
Arnold- I'm sorry.  
Helga- For what?  
Arnold- I probably should have noticed you liked...loved me...  
Helga- Yeah, well I kept it a secret by any means necessary.  
Arnold- But still.  
Carm- We don't call you dense for nothing!  
Arnold- Shut up, you!  
Carm- *Mumbling* Dick...  
Helga- Maybe you should get back...  
Arnold- Why?  
Helga- Aren't you tired?  
Arnold- No...not really.  
Helga- Oh  
Arnold- Are you?  
Helga- No...  
Arnold- so...  
Helga- Yeah...  
(they look around the room. They're eyes meet. Helga grabs Arnold by his shirt, and pulls him into yet another kiss... this time....no big noises...!)

(Arnold and Helga collapse on to the floor. They just keep kissing and kissing coming up for air after several seconds. So pretty much they are making out.)  
Arnold: You know*kiss* it's been *kiss* more than an *kiss* hour.  
Helga: Yeah*kiss* I know*kiss* So, I think*kiss* they knew*kiss* that we'd be awhile.*kiss* They are*kiss probably doing the same*kiss* thing*kiss*  
Arnold: Your right*kiss*  
Helga: Of course*kiss* I am.  
Arnold: Uh-huh*kiss* whatever you say*kiss*  
Helga: Hey Arnold*kiss* Sometime*kiss* i should probably *kiss* go to bed*kiss*  
Arnold: Aww, do u *kiss* Have to?  
Helga: Your right *kiss* never mind.  
(Arnold and Helga continue to make out for another couple of hours)  
Carrot Top: UH, am i in the right place?  
Pop: CARROT TOP! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, GET OFF THE FREAKIN' SET!!  
Carrot Top: GOD!! I'M SORRY!! what are u so made at ME for???  
Pop: They are having a makeout scene!!!!*sighs with frustration*  
Carrot Top: FINE! God, u don't have to tell me when i'm not wanted.  
Arnold: Carrot Top,* kiss* you were never*kiss* wanted*kiss*  
Helga:*kiss* Yeah fro*kiss* boy!  
Carrot Top: Fine, but whenever someone doesn't use 1800-callatt I'm still coming, I have a contract you know!  
Helga: We didn't even*kkkiiisss* Touch the phone!  
Pop: GET OFF THE SET!!!!!!  
(Carrot Top leaves, finally. Helga and Arnold continue to have an uninterrupted make out session.)

*They break away. Gerald and Phoebe run in.*  
  
Gerald: Hey, man! We've landed on some planet!  
Phoebe: Yeah!  
Arnold: Okay... What's the planet CALLED?  
Gerald: I dunno.  
Helga: Maybe it's called YOU'RE A DUMBASS.  
Gerald: No, I'm pretty sure it's not that.  
Arana: Dude, she just insulted you!  
Gerald: Oh. FUCK YOU, HELGA!!  
Helga: Sorry, I don't take offers.  
Gerald: Oh. Well... GO FUCK A MONKEY!  
Helga: You are such a moron.  
  
*Helga, Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe all run to the cockpit. Helga looks over the control panels, presses a few buttons and rolls her eyes*  
  
Helga: Oh my God...  
Arnold: What?  
Helga: We're on NABOO. FLIPPIN' NABOO! Does this person have no original thoughts of her OWN?!  
Arana: No.  
Helga: GET SOME!  
Arana: Okay.  
Arnold: Naboo? As in Star Wars? As in REALLY REALLY SEXY QUEEN/SENATOR AMIDALA?  
*Helga eyes him*  
  
Gerald: Yup, that's the one.  
*Phoebe eyes HIM*  
  
Arnold and Gerald: What?  
Helga: Come on, you big donut holes, let's go.  
*They disembark and take a look at their surroundings. There are endless plains with big waterfalls FAR FAR away.*  
  
Helga: What's that?  
*They see Senator Amidala with Jar Jar over her knee. She's spanking him with one of his own ears.*  
  
Amidala: WHO'S YOUR JAR JAR SPANKS?! SAY IT, BITCH!  
Arana: *Walking up out of nowhere* WHAT the HELL ARE YOU DOING?!   
Amidala: *standing* Sorry... I just-  
Arana: Get outta here, you! I might just forget all this if you give me one of your dresses...  
*Amidala turns her nose up and pulls Jar Jar away. Helga, Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe all exchange looks*  
  
Arana: Sorry about that... Continue!  
Arnold: Okay, THAT was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.  
Helga: Criminey, Arnold! First SHE steals from Star Wars, now YOU'RE stealing from Emperor's New Groove?! I'm SURROUNDED by idiots!  
DarkWolf02: (He's the crazy friend) SUSHI!  
Gerald: WHERE?!  
*Harold runs up*  
  
Harold: WHERE?! I'M SOOO HUNGRY!!  
DarkWolf: Come, OneWhoEatsManyMr.Fudgies, let us embark on a crazy sushi adventure!  
Harold: Okay!  
*They both run away, hand-in-hand, singing "TRA LA LA LA LA!!"*  
  
Helga: That was disturbing.  
Arnold: Uh-huh.  
Gerald: Hey, we're gonna go look over there.  
Arnold: Why?  
Gerald: Because IT'S THE REALLY SAD, DRAMATIC AND UNEXPECTED DEATH SCENE!  
Arnold: Oh, yeah... Someone's gotta die.  
Helga: Who?  
Arnold: I dunno. Somebody.  
*Gerald and Phoebe go away. Helga and Arnold are left alone. OOOOOOOH!*  
  
Arnold: Uh oh.  
Helga: What?  
Arnold: They're focusing on us. That means one of US is going to die!  
Helga: No! Arnold! Hold! Me!  
Arnold: Helga, you're starting to talk like William Shatner.  
Helga: Sorry! Arnold!  
Arnold: STOP IT! *bitch-slaps her*  
Helga: Whoo! Thanks, Arnold.  
Arnold: So when are we gonna die?  
Helga: I dunno. I think only ONE of us dies.  
Arnold: Oh.   
*Dramatic music starts*  
  
Arnold: I guess this is when something bad happens, when somebody is standing off in the distance, holding a gun, shoots one of us in the stomach, which gives us just enough time to say a dramatic monologue before shuffling off this mortal coil.  
Helga: I didn't know you read Shakespeare.  
  
*They look and see... SCHECK! Holding a BIG GUN up…..*  
 


	8. UhOh Who Died?

*They look and see... SCHECK! Holding a BIG GUN up….. aiming and shooting at Arnold. Helga leaps out in front of him and takes the bullet*

Arnold: HELGA!!  
Helga: Arnold... I've been shot...  
Arnold: No shit! You're only bleeding all over the place!  
Helga: You're supposed to be DEVASTATED!  
Arnold: Oh, right.  
  
(NOW IT'S TIME FOR SERIOUSNESS!)  
  
SUSHI!  
  
(Okay, NOW it's time for seriousness!)  
  
*Arnold takes the dying Helga in his arms and lowers her to the ground.*  
  
Helga: Arnold... I'm sorry for everything... that I did to you. You know I didn't mean it all...  
*Arnold nods.*  
  
Helga: I don't hate you... I love you... more than life itself... I guess I proved that, didn't I?  
Arnold: Don't talk like that, Helga... You'll be fine! We just need to- *his voice breaks*  
Helga: Don't be a moron, I'm already dead.  
*Helga's breaths become shallower*  
  
Helga: *Quoting from the poem she wrote in that Truth or Dare game*   
_Wandering one, wandering one...  
Unknowing torturer of my defenseless soul...  
Unknowing one, unknowing one...  
Only when thy knowest of my secret shall my spirit soon be whole...  
  
Angelic one, Angelic one...  
Will thy ever know where my heart does lie?  
Beloved one, beloved one...  
Or from afar shall I admire thee...  
Until the day I die...?  
_  
*Arnold shakes his head*  
  
Arnold: You're going to be FINE, Helga... You're just making the moment all the more dramatic... right?  
*Helga rolls her eyes. She kisses him lightly one last time before drawing in her last staggering breath and becomes limp.*  
  
Arnold: Helga... Helga?!  
*He holds her body closer to him. A tall girl with long brown hair approaches him and puts her hand on his shoulder.*  
  
Girl: She's gone, Arnold.  
Arnold: *looks up at her* Arana?  
Girl: Yes.   
Arnold: What are you doing here?  
Arana: Helping you. You love her, and want her back, don't you?  
Arnold: Well, YEAH.  
Arana: Then come with me.   
*Gerald and Phoebe run up to Arnold*  
  
Gerald: What happened? *sees Helga* Oh God...   
Phoebe: I win! Pay up!  
*Gerald sighs and slips her a twenty.*  
*DarkWolf pops in with Harold and a BIG BOWL OF SUSHI! Phoebe Grabs it and slams it in Gerald's face.*  
  
Phoebe: Eat that, bitch!  
DarkWolf: DAMN IT, PHEEBS! THAT'S MY SUSHI!  
Phoebe: Up yours, asshole.  
DarkWolf: THAT'S IT, YOU ORIENTAL BITCH! DIEE!! DIE THE DEATH OF A SUSHI KILLER! THE RICE GODS ARE NOT HAPPY WITH THIS!  
*Phoebe knees him in the crotch and he disappears.*  
  
Phoebe: OUTTA MY WAY, ASSHOLE!  
*Harold backs away with his bowl of sushi and disappears also.*  
  
Gerald: *flatly* You have a real talent for ruining dramatic moments, you know that? HELGA is DEAD!  
Arana: *Shakes head.* You know, I think Arnold and I better take this ourselves. You get to stay here until another author finds it fit to accommodate you into their part of the story.  
*Gerald and Phoebe exchange a look. Gerald winks at Pheebs.*  
  
Gerald: Okay.

Arana: *To Arnold, who still is carrying Helga* Come with me.  
Arnold- Alright...  
(Arnold carries Helga along, through a forest, a swamp, a lake, a river, a desert, a jungle...)  
Arnold- My arms are starting to hurt.  
Arana- Cry me a river  
Arnold- What?  
Arana- Er...Look over there! There's a wheel barrel!  
(Arnold gently places the blood soaked Helga into the wheel barrel, and stretches)  
Arnold- How much further do we have to go?  
Arana- Just a little ways more.  
(Arnold follows Arana until they come to a little hut.)  
Arana- Here yah go. Tell the people inside, they'll know what to do.  
Arnold- But, where are you going?  
Arana- I'm going home! I gotta pack.  
Arnold- Well, thanks...  
Arana- Don't mention it. (Holds out her hand.)  
(Arnold looks at her hand. He notices she wants something)  
Arnold- Er...  
Arana- Ah hem...  
Arnold- Oh...right...  
(Arnold reaches in his pocket and tips Arana with the 50 cents he has.)  
Arana- (Walking away, grumbling) Cheap bastard...  
  
(Arnold walks to the hut, and knocks on the door. An ugly hag answers the door, making Arnold jump)  
Carm- Why, hello BOY! What can I do for you?  
Arnold- uhh...Oh! Arana sent me here...I  
Carm- Arana! That bitch owes me 60 bucks for that poker game, I WON!!! Where is the tramp!?  
Arnold- Er...she left  
Carm- Figures....Come in, won't you?  
(Arnold follows Carm into the hut, and Wheels Helga to his side)  
Carm- Oh, most unfortunate!  
Arnold- Yeah...she got shot.  
Carm- Hmmm....Let's take a look, see.  
(Carm examines Helga)  
Carm- Well it's clear to me that you friend here is only, MOSTLY dead.  
Arnold- Mostly dead?  
Carm- Yes. Which still means she's still partially alive.  
(Carm grabs a bike pump from a closet)  
Carm- (To the readers) Well it's the best I can do! I'm improvising! (To Arnold) I will ask her why she thinks she deserves to be alive, then I will find out if her cause is noble enough to bring her back!  
Arnold- You mean she has to have a good reason to stay alive?  
Carm- Yep.  
Arnold- (Thinking of Helga's voice) Out of my way Geek-bait! You're such a loser Arnold! Hey, Football head! You SUCK!  
Carm- okay then...(Pumps air into Helga's mouth.) Hello in there! What's the big deal!? I mean, what have you got that's worth living for?  
(Carm pushes down on Helga's chest)  
Helga- (Forced Whisper) True Love...  
Arnold- You heard her!!! True Love! There is no reason more noble than that!  
Carm- Heh heh, no! She clearly said, Try drug...See! she's a drug addict!  
Arnold- What you talking about Willis?   
Steve Buscemi- LIAR!! Liar!!   
Carm- What are you doing here, you witch!?  
Steve- I'm not a witch, I'm you're husband!  
Carm- Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!  
Arnold- Hey!  
Carm- Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!  
Arnold- CRAZY LADY!!!  
Carm- Huh?  
Arnold- Please, just bring her back to life!  
Steve- She did say true love, Carm.  
Carm- Who let you in here?  
Steve-(Gives Raspberry)  
Arnold- Please  
Carm- Oh, all right!  
(Carm and Steve Buscemi make a Miracle Pill)  
Carm- Give her this when she's in a safe place.  
Steve- And you shouldn't let her go swimming for at least an hour.  
Carm- Shut up!  
Steve- (Gives another raspberry)  
Arnold- Thanks you guys! this means the world to me!  
Carm- Okay! Bye bye!  
Steve- Bye! Take care! Think it'll work?  
Carm- It'll take a miracle.  
Steve & Carm- Bye!  
Carm- Hey! Who said you could touch me!?  
  
(Arnold wheels Helga back through a jungle, a desert, a river, a lake a swamp, and a forrest, back to the building they were in before. Arnold finds a secret room, and wheels her in. He turns on the lights, locks the doors, closes the shades, and feeds Helga the pill)  
Arnold- I wonder how long this takes...?  
(Helga's eyes spring open. She grabs Arnold, kisses him, then passes back out...stone dead again)  
Arnold- ooookay...  
  
Meanwhile-  
  
Phoebe- Pay up!  
Gerald- I can't believe you Phoebe!   
Phoebe- Why? Cause you lost?  
Gerald- No! That you don't care about Helga!  
Phoebe- Oh I care...I'm just protecting my investments!  
Gerald- I feel terrible...  
Phoebe- What do you mean?  
Gerald- I mean, I was always fighting with her...I never got to say I was sorry...I don't...Hate her!  
Phoebe- What you talkin' about Willis?  
Gerald- Nothing  
Phoebe- Tell me  
Gerald- No  
Phoebe- Tell me...!  
Gerald- No. It's nothing  
Phoebe- GERALD!  
Gerald- I'm not going to say anything Phoebe!  
Phoebe- (Shaking Gerald by the shoulders) TELL ME NOWWWW!!  
Gerald- OKAY! OKAY!! I LOVE HELGA!!!   
Phoebe- I...Uh...I...ack! (She passes out)  
Gerald- Phoebe....?

Phoebe: Oh, Gerald.... why?  
Gerald: I was only joking, wit ya!  
Phoebe: DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!  
Gerald: ???   
  
*************  
  
Arnold: Helga? Helga! Helga wake up!  
Helga:*waking up, coming through* Ar-Arn-old?  
Arnold: Yeah, it's me... Arnold.  
Helga: I feel weak... but I think I'm getting better...  
Arnold: Really?  
Helga: yeah, football-head!  
Arnold: Oh, Helga!   
*Arnold leans towards Helga's face and is about to kiss her when all of a sudden somebody knocks the door completely off its hinges)  
A really cute, hot guy: Greetings Arnold... *looks and smirks evilly at Helga* Helga. I've come for what is rightfully mine... what should've belong to me instead a football-headed freak of nature!  
Arnold: What!?! Who are you!?!?!  
the really cute, hot guy: Well, I'm surprised that you don't recognize me, Arnold.  
Arnold: Recognize? Who the hell are you!?!  
The really cute, hot guy: Well, my name's Brian....  
Arnold: Brian?!?  
Brian: But if it will help you more.... you can call me Brainy

Arnold- Brainy, you son a bitch! You're the one who started this whole mess!!  
Brainy- Why, yes. Yes I did  
Helga- Whoa, what happened to you?  
Brainy- You mean, why am I such a hot piece of ass?  
Helga- ...yeah sure...  
Brainy- Well I found out that I am the heir to the throne on the planet Hotness.  
Arnold- Figures...  
Brainy- Once I visited it, all my best features started showing.  
(Brainy strikes an impressive pose. Arnold grits his teeth and clenches his fists)  
Brainy- Now now, Arnold! No need to be upset! you had your fun with Helga, now it's my turn  
Helga- Um, Do I get any say in this?  
Brainy- Absolutely darling.   
Helga- Okay...well I don't wanna go. Even if you are hot.  
Brainy- Isn't that precious! Let's go.  
Helga- I said I don't wanna!  
Brainy- Women...Guards!  
(Big men come and seize Helga. They take her away)  
Helga- NO!!!! ARNOLD!  
Arnold- I'll get you Brainy...Just wait!  
Brainy- Oooo. I'm so frightened. Look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots.  
(Brainy disappears. Arnold runs to find Gerald and Phoebe. He walks in on them having an arm wrestle)  
Phoebe- Where the hell were you all that time?  
Arnold- I went to revive Helga  
Gerald- (Standing up urgently) You mean, she's okay?  
Arnold- Well she is alive, but Brainy has her.  
Phoebe- Brainy!  
Gerald- What do we do?  
Arnold- I'm not sure. I guess we have to find his ship, and rescue her.  
Gerald- I'm in man. What's the plan?  
  
(They find a Ship Rental Shack, and get an old hunk of junk to find Brainy's ship. Some ugly guy gives them directions to where he thinks it is. They go, and see before them a great ship...)  
Arnold- Is it just me, or does that look more like a ocean liner, than a space ship?  
Phoebe- It's the RMS Titanic...  
Gerald- Who would want to fly that? it's a jinx!  
Phoebe- It's not a jinx Gerald, it's accident was completely provoked by the wrong leadership.   
Gerald- Whatever. It's a jinx to me.  
Arnold- Well whatever you want to call it, Helga's in there...and I'm going in after her.  
  
(Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe beam onto Brainy's ship, somehow dodging they're undoubtedly high security. They good! Arnold does a Mission Impossible leap against several walls, until Gerald kicks him hard in the shins, telling him to knock it off. They decide to split up. Arnold walks to a partially opened door, and peers inside)  
Brainy- Now, my love, come sit.  
Helga- No stinkin' way  
Brainy- Why? You're with me now. Can you not enjoy it?  
Helga- How can I? I don't love you!  
Brainy- We are to be married Helga, you'd better learn to love me, and fast  
Helga- Whatever.  
(Brainy slaps Helga. Arnold feels the anger rise in him. He wants to pound Brainy's face in, but he knows he's gotta keep on the low down. Helga sits on the chair Brainy instructed, clutching her face.)  
Brainy- Now isn't that better my dear?  
Helga- Splendid...  
Brainy- you're not to see that boy again, Helga. Do you hear me? He's not the kind of person you want to get mixed up with. He has no money, therefore has no future. How do you expect him to support you? He is a menace, Helga. Take my word. I know.  
  
(Brainy gets up to leave the room. Arnold smooshes himself into a tiny crevice in the wall. Brainy doesn't notice, cause he's dumb. When he is out of view, Arnold slips into the room with Helga)  
Helga- Arnold!  
Arnold- Helga! I came as fast as I could!  
Helga- Oh, Arnold! I knew you'd come! (Kisses!)  
Arnold- Come on, I have to get you out of here!  
Helga- Okay.  
(Arnold does his Mission Impossible again, and Helga decides to join in, until she realizes she's making more noise that way. They come down a corridor, right in front of Brainy)  
Brainy- Arnold! So nice of you to join us. Welcome to my ship.  
Arnold- I'm sorry Brainy, I can't let you do this.  
Brainy- Do what? Oh, you mean marry your beloved? That's too bad Arnold...it really is.   
Helga-(Spits on Brainy) I wouldn't marry you if you were the last hot guy in the world!  
Brainy- Really?   
(Brainy grabs Helga, and shoves her into a wall. Arnold goes in to attack Brainy, but Brainy's big ugly security guards are back, and they take Arnold into custody.)  
Brainy- Take him to the spare room, handcuff him to a pipe, begin the auto-flood sequence, and prepare for a full ship evacuation.  
Helga- NO!!!  
Arnold- Isn't there an easier way to kill me?  
Brainy- this way it's more tragic.  
Arnold- Uh....okay...  
  


(Arnold is dragged off to the room. He does some Judo-chops and escapes. Him, Phoebe and Gerald make a dash for their old junker ship, and head back to the planet. That Frodo dude I know nothing about is there, looking all sad)  
Frodo- She's gone...  
Arnold- What?  
Frodo- When you left, the guards told Brainy that you were planning an invasion, so...he killed her....she's gone...ALL HOPE IS LOST!  
Gerald- How did you know everything we did!? We just got back!  
Frodo- Oh, see this little TV thingie, it shows me everything you guys do, at any given time.   
Arnold- Uh, ANY given time??  
(Arnold blushes. Frodo winks.)  
Frodo- The funeral is tonight.  
  
  


On the morning of her funeral I do not want to leave my bed. I know I will have to eventually; but for now, I would like to believe she is not dead. The guilt of not being able to save her from Brainy's evil hand, tears at my heart.  
At the cemetery, I see her. she is lying in her coffin, sleeping eternally.  
People have come from all over to mourn her death. Stinky, Sid, Harold, Rhonda, and Nadine stand off to the side with their heads hanging low. I see Gerald as well. He is standing next to Phoebe with his arms around her shoulders. Even the Fellowship has made an appearance. Frodo Baggins nods at me solemnly and then walks over to place a hand on my shoulder. His touch bothers me and I find myself running from the hobbit. I run all the way to the boarding house. There I stay for 3 days.  
After my 3 days of rest, I still do not go out. I remain in bed, frozen with pain. In the midst of my melancholy, I hear someone coming to my room.  
"Arnold ... man, you gotta get out of bed. It's not healthy and you stink."  
I look up to see Gerald standing above my bed.  
"Hey Gerald." I reply, but I wish he would leave.  
"Anyway ... Frodo Baggins is here to see you." Gerald says.  
I get up and follow him to the kitchen. There sitting in a chair is Frodo.  
"Hello, Arnold" Frodo says when he sees me.  
"Hey."  
I sit in a chair that is on the opposite side of the room.  
"There is some news about Helga, that I think you would much like to know."   
At this my head snaps up and all attention is directed at the hobbit.  
"She is not dead, the ring she wears around her neck is keeping her alive, but she will not be revived completely until she is awakened by a kiss from her true love."  
I shot a look at Gerald, who is staring at me.   
Both of us spring from our chairs.

Gerald- Where is she!?  
Frodo- Okay, you go here (Shows them a map.)  
(Arnold rips the map out of Frodo's hands, and runs, Gerald following closely.)  
Phoebe- (looking at Frodo) I'll just be here...  
Frodo- (Winks at Phoebe)  
  
Gerald- Arnold, how do you know where we are going?  
Arnold- I've seen it!   
Gerald- What?  
Arnold- Helga and I went horseback riding, and I saw it across the lake!  
Gerald- What makes you think she's gonna be there still?  
Arnold- I don't Gerald...Stop being such a pessimistic asshole!  
Gerald- Your the asshole! You left her up there! If you hadn't, she'd be still alive!  
Arnold- (Stops running) Take that back, Gerald!  
Gerald- No.  
Arnold- Gerald...TAKE IT BACK!!!  
Gerald- I'm not taking it back. You know it's your fault, and you just can't deal with it!  
(Arnold throw Gerald into the lake. Gerald starts swimming to the other side.)  
Gerald- Meet you there!  
Arnold- Rrrr!!!!   
(Arnold runs around the small lake, while Gerald swims it. Gerald gets there first, of course, and runs into the small tomb. Arnold catches up quickly)  
Arnold- (Out of breath) Gerald...*pant*...move aside  
Gerald- Oh, Helga...   
(Gerald sits down by Helga who is laid out on a concrete slab, surrounded by flowers. Her arms are at her sides.)  
Arnold- Gerald, what are you doing?  
Gerald- (Defensively covering Helga's face) I love her Arnold. I'm going to bring her back!  
Arnold- Gerald!...Wait, what!?  
Gerald- (looking down at the dead Helga) Helga, my love, I will bring you back!  
(Gerald kisses the dead lips of Helga)  
Arnold- GERALD!!!!  
(Arnold pulls Gerald off of Helga, and to the floor.)  
Gerald- Look! she moved!  
Arnold- No she didn't...Gerald...  
Gerald- I'm her true love, Arnold! I know I am!  
Arnold- No Gerald, you're Phoebe's true love! Remember!? You two were meant for eachother! Why are you doing this?  
Gerald- ...Phoebe....Oh, Arnold, what have I done?  
Arnold- It's okay, Gerald. I won't tell Phoebe.  
Gerald- I wanted to be the hero...  
Arnold- With the way these people keep writing this story, I'm sure you're bound to save the day sooner or later!  
Gerald- True. Now Go! Wake her up!  
(Arnold gets up, and walks over to Helga. He leans down and kisses her. She starts breathing, and opens her eyes. When she sees what's happening, she quickly grabs him)  
Anrold- Mmph! Hmmpffaa!  
*Translator Dude*- Mmph! Helga!  
Helga- Dffnnn fffnnnt mmmm ammmnnnd.  
*Translator Dude*- Don't fight me Arnold.  
Arnold- Mmmkemmm  
*Translator Dude*- Okay  
Gerald- Where did you come from?  
*Translator Dude*- Well Carm made me up so people could understand-  
Gerald- Yeah, I know what your DOING, I want to know where you came from?  
*Translator Dude*- My mom and dad had se-  
Gerald- FORGET IT! Just get the hell outta here, the folks out there don't need a damn translator!  
*Translator Dude*- Right-o!  
(Translator Dude disappears with a small pop!)  
Gerald- you guys, we should probably get back  
Helga- (Wiping the side of her mouth) Yeah, okay  
Arnold- (blushing) yeah.  
(Arnold opens the tomb door, pulls out a gun, and holds it out in front of him, in a James Bond sort of manner)  
Gerald- Where's you get the gun!?  
Arnold- I don't know, it was in my pocket!  
Helga- Neat! let me try.   
(Helga reaches into her dress, and pulls out her locket)  
Helga- Heh heh! How did that get in there?  
Arnold- Hey, my grandpa had one of those...  
(Helga stuffs the locket back down her dress, and pulls out a nice Golden Gun)  
Gerald- Hey! I want one!  
(Gerald reaches into his pocket and pulls out a slice of Bologna)  
Gerald- Very funny Carm!  
Carm- *Laughs evilly* (Puts the bologna between two slices of bread, and eats it) mmmm...bologna!  
(Gerald slaps his forehead. And they continue back to the building)

Carm- *Laughs evilly* (Puts the bologna between two slices of bread, and eats it) mmmm...bologna!  
(Gerald slaps his forehead. And they continue back to the building)  
  
Helga: All right, we've got to get Brainy!  
Arnold: Yeah!  
Gerald: I'm only in this song because I'm a black guy!  
  
*The other two stare at him. Gerald shrugs and grins sheepishly.*  
  
Phoebe: *appears out of nowhere* Let's do it!  
Arnold: Now, what are we supposed to do?  
Helga: Okay, well... How about I die again?  
Arana: Hmmm... I don't know, Helga... I am in the mood to write another death scene, but I don't think we want to stall the story any more.   
Helga: Fine.  
*Arana stands with the others*  
  
Arnold: Aren't you supposed to be leaving now.  
Arana: I guess so... But I'll be back! Ooh! BREAKTHROUGH!  
*She winks out. Suddenly, a tall muscular man approaches them. Arana winks back in*  
  
Arana: Look out! He's going to kill you! NOOOO!  
*Jumps out in front of Arnold as the tall muscular man shoots off a couple rounds. She takes them all.*  
  
Arnold: NOOOO!  
*Arnold rushes over to Arana and lifts up her head. She's bleeding from the mouth*  
  
Arana: Don't grieve... Arnold... It is logical... the needs of the many... outweigh...  
*Before she can finish her sentence, she dies.*  
  
Helga: *walks over to Arnold and shakes her head sadly* She was a great author, Arnold.  
Tall, muscular man: HAHLOO?! AH AHM STEEL HEAR!!! I HOVE BEEEEN SENT BY BRAINY!  
Gerald: I think I know who the tall, muscular man is!  
Helga and Arnold: Who?  
Gerald: IT'S THE TERMINATOR!  
*Kids scream and run away. The TERMINATOR! runs after them, gaining with incredible speed.*  
  
Gerald: He's gaining with incredible speed!  
Arnold: NO SHIT!  
Helga: AAAAAAHHH!  
*They run and run and run and run and run... until they spot a hidden cottage off to the side and take refuge in it*  
  
Arnold: *walking through the rooms* we've got two different rooms with one bed each.   
Gerald: Okay, man! I'm rooming with Phoebe!  
Arnold: Gerald!  
Gerald: What, man? I ain't sleeping with you again!   
Arnold: But-  
Gerald: No buts!  
Helga: Don't worry about it, football head.  
Arnold: Fine, fine...  
*The two groups split off into their rooms. Let's concentrate on Arnold and Helga, because they BAD MAMMERJAMMERS!*  
  
Arnold: *spreading a blanket on the floor for his bed* Gerald is such an ass.  
Helga: Why?  
Arnold: Because he's rooming with Phoebe! Any nine-year-old guy in their right mind doesn't room with another girl.  
Helga: I guess so.  
*Arnold sits down on the blanket and clasps his hands together. There is an awkward silence for a few moments*  
  
Arnold: *not looking up at Helga* You know, after you died, I didn't know what I'd do.  
Helga: *trying to meet his eyes* What are you saying, Arnold?   
Arnold: I mean... that before last night, I wasn't sure of my feelings for you. Now I'm certain of them.  
*Arnold and Helga hear a scratching noise on the window pane. Carm and Arana are giggling and spying on them.*  
  
Arnold: GET OUTTA HERE!  
*The two girls sigh angrily and run off*  
Helga: Why don't they ever leave us alone?  
Arnold: Because we're the beloved stars of their favorite television show, and they finally get to meet us, interact with us, and take us on all sorts of zany adventures.  
Helga: Oh.  
*Another awkward pause. Arnold looks up at Helga and smiles slightly. Helga frowns*  
Helga: What are you staring at?  
Arnold: Nothing.  
Helga: Liar. You're staring at me. I'm going to have to use a spatula to pry your eyes off of me.  
Arnold: I'm sorry, Helga. It's just that I never noticed how pretty you are.  
*Helga snorts*  
Helga: Yeah right, Arnold. You're full of-  
Arnold: No, really, I'm not lying!  
Helga: So what do you mean, 'you're certain about how you feel about me?'  
Arnold: I mean that I was confused as to whether or not I really liked you... I mean REALLY liked you... *looks into her eyes* Helga, I like you... LIKE you.  
Helga: *thinking* FINALLY! I got him to admit his true feelings! The boy that I love is sitting before me and confessing his undying like for me! Finally, I am one step closer to his heart! *out loud* I see...  
Arnold: You don't have to tell me about how you feel...  
Helga: You know?  
Arnold: HELLO? You've only been making out with me since almost the beginning of this fanfic!  
Helga: I... was... just doing it to please the fans!  
Arnold: *Eyes Helga* I knew the moment you recited that poem during that Truth-Or-Dare game...  
*He sits next to Helga on the bed*  
Arnold: And I knew when you were dying in my arms, reciting that very same poem to me as you were breathing your final breaths... And when you were telling me everything that was in your heart as your life slipped slowly away...  
Helga: Arnold, you're a loon...  
Arnold: People do crazy things when they're in like like...  
Helga: *thinking* oh, GOD, he's quoting from HERCULES! One of my all-time favorite movies! *Out loud* This isn't a movie, Arnold. We don't have fairy-tale endings and stupid things like "true love". In the real world, we have drugs, death, and movies.  
Arnold: You're full of shit, Helga! We're in a CARTOON!  
Helga: You know what I mean!  
Arnold: Yeah, yeah.  
Helga: So you really think that I love you, eh football-head?  
Arnold: Well, yeah.  
  
*Helga ponders as to what to do...*  
  
Helga: *Thinking* What to do, what to do... To tell my true love my secret feelings, or to continue to torture him? Eh, what the hell, I can always take it back later. *Out loud* Yes, Arnold... I... do.  
*Arnold smiles and puts his hand on her shoulder. He nods all-knowingly, and starts to move closer to her. They are suddenly interrupted by ANOTHER scratching noise on the window. Arnold and Helga turn, annoyed, expecting to see Arana and Carm, but instead see the Terminator standing at the window with Brainy and the Robert Patrick version of the Terminator.*  
  
Brainy: SURPRISE!  
Arnold: Brainy?! How did you find us?  
*The Arnold S. Terminator holds up a sheepishly grinning Carm and Arana*  
  
Carm and Arana: Hey guys... how's it going?  
*The Arnold Terminator breaks the window and grabs Helga and carries her off. Arnold leaps to chase after him, but is snatched by the Robert Patrick Terminator.*  
  
Arnold: HELGA!  
Helga: Don't worry about me, Arnold!   
Brainy: *grinning evilly* We have a special fate reserved for you... it involves a flog.  
*Arnold's eyes widen as he is carried off by the Robert Patrick Terminator. Gerald leaps out of his room after Arnold has been carried off*  
Gerald: Something tells me that my time to save the day has COME! 


	9. Where We First Meet Pixie

Carm- Hey, Arana, what the hell is a flog?  
Arana- I'm not telling  
Carm- Fine! Then I'm not including it in my story!  
Arana- Fine!  
Carm- Fine!  
Arana- Fine!  
Carm- Fi- oh forget it...  
  
Gerald- Phoebe! Let's go, we have to go save Arnold and Helga, from certain doom!  
Phoebe- Oh, let me just brush my hair quick...  
Gerald- Ugh...women....  
(Phoebe comes outside, and sees Gerald on a valiant white horse)  
Gerald- Oh, why's it gotta be a white horse  
Carm- Cause they're cool...?  
Phoebe- Wow, where'd you get the valiant steed?  
Gerald- Uhh...it's a rental  
(Phoebe jumps on with Gerald and they ride towards...well, where ever those Terminators were going! They ride for miles, and Phoebe starts to get very sleepy.)  
Phoebe- I'm very sleepy, Gerald...can we stop somewhere?  
Gerald- If you find a place, I'll stop  
(Phoebe notices a small colorful cottage house)  
Phoebe- How about there?  
(Gerald looks over)  
Gerald- Wow, yeah, okay. I wonder why they made it so multi-colored?  
Phoebe- (Yawning) I guess they like the rainbow  
Gerald- Mmm maybe we should look for something else...  
Phoebe- Why? Gerald! There's nothing around for miles! We'll be fine!  
(Gerald directs the horse to the house. As they get closer, both of their eyes get wider)  
Phoebe- It's...  
Gerald- CANDY!!!  
(Gerald jumps off the horse and dashes to the house. He touches the candy-covered house)  
Gerald- It feels real...!  
(Phoebe joins him. She smells the house)  
Phoebe- It smells real!  
(Gerald takes a chomp out of the house)  
Gerald- (mouth full) It tf-astes real tf-oo!  
(Phoebe follows suit, and chomps some house too. They continue munching on this poor person's house, until a beautiful lady comes out. Gerald stops eating, and stares at her. He has candy all around his mouth)  
Gerald- Uhhh...this isn't what it looks like!  
Lady- really?  
Phoebe- yes, er...we were just...examining your wonderfully creative house!  
Lady- Well thank you. Now, what can I do for you children?  
Gerald- Um. Have any food?  
Lady- Food!? Why, of course I do! Please, come in!  
Gerald- thanks!  
Phoebe- I'm so hungry! whoa...did I just sound like Harold?  
Gerald- No Phoebe, you could NEVER sound that ugly!  
(Phoebe smiles. They go inside. It is warm and cozy)  
Lady- Harold? is that your name boy?  
Gerald- Me? no! I'm Gerald, and this is Phoebe.  
Lady- Well pleased to meet you. You may call me Pixie.  
Phoebe- Hi Pixie! So...what have you got?  
Pixie- Well I thought you two could start eating some more candy, and I have a couple of cream pies, and chocolate cake, and ho-ho's and twinkies, and some strawberry shortcake...  
  
(Carm takes a sip of Chocolate Milk)  
Carm- Ahhhh.... oops, sorry!  
  
(Gerald and Phoebe start pigging out on everything they can possibly shove in their mouth.)  
  
Pixie- That's right. Eat up. Get nice a fattened for dinner....heh heh!!  
(Pixie watches them for a while, but gets bored. She turns on a TV in the kitchen)  
TV- Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!  
Pixie- I hate those damn kids! JUST GIVE THE DAMN BUNNY SOME CEREAL!!! '  
(Gerald and Phoebe stare at her)  
Pixie- Heh, just kidding...?  
(They go back to eating)  
TV- All American Recreation, all we sell is FUN!  
Pixie- oooo....I could fancy a nice Jacuzzi in my back yard...  
hmmmm...Or a giant trampoline... Or that guy model....  
TV- Thunder, thunder, clatter, clatter, boom boom boom!   
TV & Pixie- (Singing) Don't worry call the Car-X man!  
Gerald- (to Phoebe) Is it just me, or is she just a nuts as those other girls, Carm and Arana?  
Phoebe- Pass the cake  
Gerald- Oh. (Passes the cake)  
Phoebe- Yeah, she's an odd one, but she makes good cake!  
Gerald- Here here!  
(After several hours, they are finally full)  
Pixie- AH HA! You are now so full, that you are now ready for dinner!  
Gerald- No!!  
Phoebe- We couldn't possibly eat another bite!  
Pixie- Eat? No no, my dear, I am the one who will be eating!  
(Pixie gives an evil laugh)  
Carm- hey that's my laugh!  
Arana- no, it's MY laugh!  
Pixie- Too bad! It's mine now! GET IN MY OVEN! I'M HAVING ROAST CHILDREN!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!!  
Gerald & Phoebe- Ahhh!!!!!   
Phoebe- Someone save us!!!  
Gerald- Yeah!! Carmie! Send someone quick  
(Pixie grabs a butchers knife)  
Carm- Right, like I'd do that for YOU!  
Gerald- Bitch!  
Phoebe- I got it! PIXIE DOESN'T USE 1-800-CALLATT!!!!  
Carrot Top- Tah Dah!!!  
(Thunderous applause comes from nowhere)  
Carrot Top- thank you very much! Now Pixie! Time to learn the ways of At&t  
Pixie- Never!!!  
Carrot Top- Then suffer the consequences!  
(Carrot Top holds a gun to Pixie)  
Carm- NO!!!!!! Don't you touch her!!  
Carrot Top- Aww come on!  
Carm- No! She's not really evil! She's the margarine of evil, she's the diet coke of evil, one calorie, not evil enough!  
Carrot Top- What are you getting at?  
Carm- She's with Arana and me, so don't touch her, or I'll write in that you got your balls eaten off my a rabit, crab infested rat!  
Carrot Top- (Clutching his crotch) Iiiieeee!!!  
Pixie- Thanks Carmie  
Carm- Yeah, yeah, don't get a mushy on me!  
(Pixie, and Carm run away to be back with Arana in Pepper Land)  
  
(Meanwhile!!! Gerald and Phoebe jump back on their horse, which struggles under the new weight, and continue down the trail of the Terminators....)

*Gerald and Phoebe ride all night following the trail of the Terminators until they spot a towering castle placed over a lake of lava.*  
Gerald: I think we found Brainy's fortress...  
Phoebe: Well it is the only evil looking castle we've seen since we left that candy house...  
Gerald: How do we get in?   
Phoebe: Well I would say we take that rickety looking rope bridge over the lava...  
Gerald: Rickety rope bridge?  
  


Arnold heard the crack of the flog and felt the ends bite into his back. He grimaced painfully and let out hiss. The flogger cackled evilly.  
"See what happens to little boys who defy the will of Brainy?"  
"I don't have to see! I can feel it!"  
  
The flogger laughed again. Arnold felt the flog lash against his back for the millionth time. He knew his back was in ribbons.   
  
He let his mind slip away from the whip and the other man. He thought of more pleasant things... like his hat, his grandpa, his friends, and...  
  
Helga...  
  
Oh Helga! Did she know how much he missed her? He wished only to see her face one more time before rotting away in the dungeons of Brainy's castle.  
  
But he could see her, in his mind, her long blonde hair, her intelligent eyes, her powerful eyebrow-  
  
_Snap!_  
  
Was that the whip? Arnold didn't know or care anymore. He had Helga to think about, and that was all he needed to forget about the pain.  
  
_Oh Arnold!_ Helga thought to herself as she sat alone in her room. She was in the highest room of the tallest tower, with a large fire-breathing dragon below, thumping around in the courtyards.  
"Oh geez," Helga muttered to the writer. "SHREK?"  
"Sorry," The writer replied sheepishly. "It's in my nature."  
"Get a life, Arana," Helga snapped.  
"If you wish to get technical," Arana began. "I am alive, so therefore I have a life. It COULD be simply an existence, but if I am enjoying myself during the existence, than therefore, I HAVE a life."  
  
GIR ran into the room. His head promptly exploded, where he immediately reassembled and ran back out of the room.  
"What was THAT about?" Helga asked.  
"Pointless comedic relief," Arana said, and disappeared into the shadows.  
  
"You..."   
Arnold was startled when he heard a voice come from the darkest corner of the dungeon.   
"Who's there?" He asked, preparing himself for a fight.  
  
A freaky old man stepped out of the shadows.  
"I'm the freaky old man who has important information that will send you off on a crazy adventure for a cause that may seem stupid to me, but what your entire existence revolves around."  
"Oh. Okay."  
"You..." The freaky old man said again. "You are... ARNOLD, are you not?"  
  
Arnold was taken aback.  
"Yes... Yes I am."  
"You are the one with the football shaped head who was born in the jungle nine years ago. To two parents. One man, one woman."  
"Well DUH."  
"I knew them."  
"Who?"  
"Your parents."  
Arnold: You knew my parents?  
Freaky Old Man(FOM): Yes I did.  
Arnold: Well, do you know where they are?  
FOM: Yes, but I need you to come with me.  
Arnold: Well, I'm kinda hangin here. I just had a flogging.  
FOM: You need to find away out. Meet me in the nearest forest tomorrow to begin you Journey. That should give u enough time to have your friends rescue you and to get Helga.  
Arnold: Okay, i just hope i am able to come.   
FOM: Oh, you will. I have to leave now.  
(The FOM left Arnold in silence. )  
Arnold: *thinking about Helga* I really miss you. I hope Gerald gets here soon to save us.  
(Arnold hears some talking in the next cell. One person is slurring their words)  
Visitor: *Slurred wording* How'd you get in here? Why are you in here?  
Prisioner: Justin????? Have you been drinking again??????  
Justin:*drunk* No, why would you think that, Chris?  
Chris: Because your words are slurred, you moron. Ever since you turned 21, you can't get away from the bottle can you?   
Justin: *drunk still* I don't what your talking about! If you could smell my breath, it would be minty fresh!  
Chris: JUSTIN! I can smell the alcohol on your breath all the way over here!  
Justin: Whatever man!  
Chris: Anyway, the reason I'm here is because Brainy wants me to do more Fairly Odd Parents shows because it attracts all of our fans into watching the show just for me. And when i refused, he locked me up!  
Justin*points drunkenly* HAHAHAHAHA I'm glad i didn't do the show!  
Chris: Aren't you gonna get me out???  
Justin: Yeah sure, I'll be right back.  
Chris: If you not coming back, go get JC at least!  
(It's silent, Drunk Justin isn't coming back.)  
Arnold: Are you alright??  
Chris: Yeah yeah..  
Arnold: I can help you get out.  
Chris: You can? How?  
Arnold: Just call for Carrot Top, and he can take your place.  
Chris: Don't you wanna have him take your place?  
Arnold: Nah, Gerald and Phoebe will be here any minute.  
Chris: Okay! OH know, i forgot to use 1800-callatt.  
Carrot Top: *trades places with Chris instantly* AWW MAN! How'd i end up in shackles?  
Arnold: You just traded places with who called you.  
Carrot Top: Where'd they go?  
Arnold: Wherever you were b4 u came here.  
Carrot Top: CRAP! I left the roast in too long, I hope they can cook!  
(Arnold rolls his eyes. Soon enough, Gerald and Phoebe are there to save Arnold.)

(Gerald, jumping through a wall)  
Gerald- TAH DAH!!!!  
(Phoebe, walking through the door)  
Phoebe- Hey Arnold, are you okay? Oh my god! your back!  
Arnold- Iee! don't touch!!  
Phoebe- Sorry!  
Gerald- Can you ride?  
Arnold- ride???  
Gerald- Yeah, we got a horse.  
Arnold- I don't know...it hurts to walk!  
Phoebe- We'll have to go slow.  
Arnold- Alright I'll try...  
Carrot Top- Hey, a little help here? C'mon, take me with you!  
Gerald- No way! We hate you!  
Carrot Top- Sheesh, I love you too! Well can I at least get a kiss?!  
Arnold- Just ignore him.  
(They start to exit, when Phoebe turns around)  
Gerald- What is it?  
Phoebe- I feel bad!  
Gerald- Why?  
Phoebe- I mean, he is a freak, and well...I guess I hate him, but he DID help us...  
Gerald- You're not saying...  
(Phoebe runs back to Carrot Top and kisses him on the cheek)  
Carrot Top- Ahhhh....  
(Phoebe smiles, and runs back with Arnold and Gerald)  
Phoebe- Have fun!  
Carrot Top- Yeah right....thanks though!  
  
(They run outside and run into the Freaky Old Man)  
FOM- Okay, here's the scoop, you need to follow this map to the Forbidden Castle. She's in the neet-o tower.  
Arnold- Tall tower?  
FOM- yes...and time goes by a LOT faster there...so your gonna want to hurry  
Arnold- You mean she could be OLD!?  
FOM- yeah, that's what happened to me  
Gerald- How old are you?  
FOM- sixteen  
Gerald- Let's go Arnold!  
Arnold- Yeah!  
Phoebe- thanks! Old....I mean, uh...you!  
FOM- you're welcome! Come by for a slumber party sometime!  
Gerald- Yeah...we'll do that!  
  
(They mount the horse, and ride to the Forbidden Castle.)  
Arnold- (Pointing) There! I see the tower!  
Gerald- Um...(looking down at the lava surrounding the castle) We'll stay here  
Phoebe- But Gerald-  
Gerald- You're not going anywhere!  
Arnold- Okay, I'll go.  
  
(Arnold goes directly under the five story tower)  
Arnold- Helga!? HELGA!?!?  
(Helga runs to the window)  
Helga- ARNOLD!!!!  
Arnold- I'm going to try to get you down!  
Helga- Oh, my love has come to save me yet again! (Sighs romantically) OKAY!!  
(Arnold looks around desperately...but finds nothing)  
Helga- ARNOLD!  
Arnold- YEAH?  
Helga- MY HAIR....IT'S GROWN A LOT SINCE I GOT HERE!  
Arnold- THAT'S GREAT....  
Helga- MAYBE WE CAN USE IT!?  
Arnold- (thinking) use it???  
(Helga drops her hair out the window, and it hits the ground)  
Arnold- (Wide eyed) WOW!!!  
(Helga ties the end of her hair to a hook, and scales the wall down to the ground)  
Arnold- Helga! that was amazing!  
Helga- yeah! Now help me cut it!  
(Arnold checks his pockets...)  
Arnold- Nothing...  
Carm- Here ya go!  
(Carm hands him some scissors)  
Arnold- Hey, thanks  
(Carm winks and returns to Pepper Land. Arnold cuts Helga's hair...it's QUITE short now.)  
Arnold- Oops!  
Helga- you didn't cut me, it's fine! Let's get the hell out of here!  
Arnold- Agreed!  
Helga- Oh, Arnold!  
(Helga goes to hug him, but he backs away tensely)  
Helga- What...is it?  
Arnold- I'm sorry Helga, it's my back-  
Helga- Oh your back...right, Okay I understand  
Arnold- No, Helga, really I got hit with-  
Helga- You don't have to explain, I can take a hint!  
Arnold- LOOK!   
(Arnold show Helga his torn back. She gasps and clutches her hands to her mouth.)  
Arnold- I told you...it's just really-  
Helga- Oh Arnold! Who did this to you!!?  
Arnold- I don't remember...  
Helga- I'm going to rip their spine out!  
Arnold- It's okay, Helga. It just needs to be cleaned and heal  
Helga- Oh, it must've hurt so much!!!!   
(Helga softly runs her fingers down Arnold's back, making a pleasant tickling sensation)  
Arnold- (Closing his eyes) it did at first.  
Helga- Only at first?  
Arnold- Well, I just forced myself to think of other things  
(Helga blows cold air onto his wounds. He gets goose bumps)  
Helga- Like what?  
Arnold- (Eyes still closed) Well...like my family...and friends.  
Helga- (still gently stroking his back, and providing a cool stream of air) And that did the trick?  
Arnold- No.  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- It was when I thought...of you, that I stopped feeling the pain  
(Helga walks in front of him)  
Helga- You thought of me?  
Arnold- Of course.  
Helga- Really?  
Arnold- (imitating her) well, doi!  
(Helga smiles warmly, and touches his face. He leans into her hand)  
Gerald- (From across the field) ARNOLD!!! LOOK OUT!!!  
(Arnold and Helga look up to see a huge...Giant...Monstrous....)


	10. We're Going Back in Time Or Are We?

Helga: What is that thing!!???  
Arnold: oh my god it can't be!!!! It's.....it's my cousin Arnie!!!  
Arnie: (dull voice) Helga...don't...leave...me.. (snort..)  
Helga and Arnold look at Arnie, but both seem unaffected.   
"What's you're weird cousin doing here?"  
"Beats, me" Arnold replied, "So, what exactly happened to you in the tower?"  
"Well ...."  
  
Helga sighed once more as she squirmed atop the stool in the tower.  
"Keep still now." The woman standing behind her ordered as she went on weaving a pink ribbon into Helga's blond hair.  
Helga grumbled, but did not say a word, lest the woman have the urge to go into one of her many rants about how lucky she was to be marrying their master Brainy. The woman had chattered nonstop since she had arrived an hour before. Her words were mostly about the man Helga was destined to marry, Brainy.  
"I am sure that Master Brainy will be pleased when he returns." The woman stated, examining her handiwork form the looking glass in front of Helga's face.  
Helga had to agree. Having worn the same pink dress and pink bow since she was three, Helga couldn't remember when she looked so pretty. She wore a white empire waist gown and her hair was done finely up in pink ribbons and white daises.   
She beamed at her reflection in the mirror. In her mind she was imagining this was to be her wedding day to Arnold. Just then a heavy sigh escaped her lips. If only he were here to see her. Where were they holding him? She knew he was still alive. She could feel it in her soul. She just knew it.  
"Hello?" A voice called from the entrance of the tower.  
It was Brainy. Helga groaned.  
He crossed the room to where his bride to be sat.  
"I daresay," Brainy remarked, "You look wonderful."  
Helga frowned.  
"Leave us, Mistress." Brainy ordered to the older woman and she bowed before exiting the tower.  
Brainy circled Helga as she sat on her stool, "Are you ready for our wedding, my dear?"  
He put his arms around Helga and kissed her lips. Disgusted, she jumped off of the stool and moved across the room. Brainy smirked at Helga and grasped her wrist.  
"What are you doing, Helga, my love?"  
Helga shoved him away and he staggered back. Good, Helga thought, maybe if I act tough he will leave me alone. But, she was proved wrong when he grabbed her from behind, and kissed her hard on the mouth.  
"Yuck!" Helga broke free and slapped him. In response, Brainy began to circle her, trying to intimidate her. Then in a rush he pushed her against the ground with contentious force.  
"Get off of me, you creep!"  
Helga wanted to punch his face like she had done so many times before, but he held her down with his strong arms. He then grabbed Helga by her hair and jerked her head back. Using the only power she could, Helga administered a swift kick to his groin.  
"Ha ... you can't hurt me," Brainy grinned evilly, "No one can. A ha ha ... ha ha ha."  
"Think again."  
Helga kneed him again and this time Brainy collapsed on the ground, dead as a door nail.  
"That's what you get when you mess with Helga G. Pataki."  
  
  
"So, that's really what happened ... you kicked him in the balls and he went down?" Arnold asked astonished.  
"Yep, Football head."  
"You're an amazing girl."  
'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR'  
"Oh yeah," Helga pointed to Arnie, "What to do with him?"

Arnie: (dull voice) Helga...don't...leave...me.. (snort..)  
Helga: Oh no, THIS guy was the dragon?  
Arnie: Please... don't... leave... me... I want you to be my baby's momma's momma... I want you to chew my plain-flavored gum... that's all ready been chewed...  
Helga: GROSS!  
Arnold: What? You made ME do it!  
Helga: Yeah, but... but that's DIFFERENT! I LOVED you!  
Arnold: It wasn't so great for me... Did you put that in your rat-scaring statue, too?  
Helga: Uh... yeah.  
Arnold: Oh.  
Arnie: HELLO...? I'm still... HERE...! *snorts*  
Arnold: I got an idea!  
  
*Suddenly, a tall green-skinned man wearing a helmet and a jackass run up. *  
  
Arnold: Shrek?!  
Helga: Donkey?!  
Shrek and Donkey: What?  
Arnold: Okay, so now I got a NEW idea!  
Helga: What?  
Arnold: Well, if Shrek and Donkey are here, what's missing?  
Helga: Fiona?  
Arnold: NO! The big, scary, big fight scene against the DRAGON!  
Helga: *sarcastically* Oh, silly me... *rolls eyes*  
Arnold: Hey, Donkey, could you do us a favor?  
Donkey: What kinda favor?  
Arnold: Could you seduce my cousin? Thanks!  
Donkey: No, wait! I-  
Arnie: Hey there... stud. *snorts* Do you like... pain-flavored gum? *blink blink*  
Donkey: *eyes getting wide* I LOVE plain-flavored gum...  
Shrek: Oh, God. I'm going to go save the PRINCESS! You know, Princess Helga?  
Donkey: She was just carried off by that wizard, Arnold!  
Shrek: Aw, DAMN!  
  
*Helga and Arnold escape from the castle and run back across the rickety old bridge. They stand panting at the other side. Arnold looks up and Helga. Helga meets Arnold's eyes. They both laugh sheepishly and...*  
  
*They make mad monkey sex, right then and there*  
Arnold- Helga!?  
Helga- Huh!?  
Arnold- you were just in a daze! What were you thinking about?  
Helga- Oh, nothing!  
Arnold- Well.. I...I'm glad you're okay!  
Helga- Me too! How's you're back?  
Arnold- Hurts like a bitch, thanks  
Helga- Oh, poor baby! come here, I'll tickle it again!  
(Arnold gives a baby-pouty face, and turns around to let Helga do her magic)  
  
(Meanwhile in Pepper Land)  
Arana- So, why did you almost cook them, Pix?  
Pixie- I was under the control of Brainy!  
Carm- that bastard! We'll get him!  
Arana- Yeah!  
Pixie- Yeah!  
Carm- Yeah!  
Pop- Yeah!  
Carm- Hey, where'd you come from?  
Pop- You invited me!  
Carm- Oh yeah! Welcome to Pepper Land!  
Pop- Thanks!  
Carm- Well we'd better get ready for our show!  
  
Pop, Carm, Pixie, & Arana- It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...!  
  
Gerald- Did you just hear something?  
Phoebe- Nope.

And slowly Helga pulls Arnold close to her, Arnold doesn't pull away his lips only inches from Helga's, then Arnold remembers something...  
  
Arnold: Helga, aren't we forgetting something?  
Helga: (dreamily) what could we possibly forgetting Arnold?  
Arnold: Where's Phoebe and Gerarld?  
  
Helga: (still dreamily) Oh Arnold, my little wet blanket, I'm sure they're ok, now kiss me.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" ( screams are heard echoing in every direction.)   
  
Arnold: (pulling away from Helga) Helga, that's Gerald and Phoebe!!  
Helga: (reluctantly coming out of her stupor) They better be in major trouble...

  
(Arnold and Helga run toward the screaming, only to see Gerald and Phoebe tied to a tree)  
Arnold: How in the world did this happen and why?  
Gerald: Arnold, Helga! You need to go, this is a trap. Don't save us, go, run as far as u can.  
Arnold: I can't do that!! I'm untying you both.  
(Arnold goes to untie Gerald and Phoebe, Helga helping when suddenly, Arnold and Helga are caught in a trap and are dangling from a tree in a little rope sack.)  
  


Gerald: I TOLD YOU!  
Arnold: I wasn't gonna leave you there.  
(An evil scientist takes the gang to his laboratory.)  
Helga: So lemme guess, he's going to do an Experiment on us?  
Pop: Yeah, so? You'll like the out come!  
Helga: Okay, okay  
Arnold: Um, evil scientist, what are you planning on doing????  
ES: Well, I have this little time machine. I wanted to go back and study during the dinosaurs, but there's a side effect.  
Helga: A side effect??  
ES: Yes, a side effect. This can age you so if u had a past life, that's what you'll take up, and you can never come back. So, why have that happen to me, when I can just have it happen to someone else.  
Gerald: And what's the chance of this really happening?  
ES: 99.9%  
Gerald: Great!!  
(ES shoves them into his time capsule scared to death! He gave them a necklace so they could come back, eventually. ES punches a bunch of buttons and b4 u know it the room is speeding up, and speeding up, spinning round and round until they land with an umpf)  
UMPF!  
(They get up and look around)  
Gerald: THIS is when the dinosaurs lived?  
Phoebe: According to my calculations, we didn't travel back, we've traveled forward, and well, aged forward.  
(Phoebe was right they were on planet earth for now. In Arnold's room, but they weren't 9. They were 18, and Arnold's room was in boxes)  
Arnold: Looks like I'm going to college.

(They all look around the partially packed room. Helga stops at the sight of Arnold. He notices her looking)  
Arnold- What?  
Helga- ga....  
Arnold- Is there something wrong?  
Helga- Nothing's wrong!  
Arnold- Why are you looking at me like that!?  
Helga- You're....you're....  
Phoebe- Incredibly handsome?  
Arnold- What?  
Gerald- Hey! What about me!  
Phoebe- You strike my fancy, of course!  
Gerald- (Smiles cool.) Hey, pretty mamma!  
(Phoebe blushes)  
Arnold- Really? I don't look bad?  
Helga- Baa..bad? Gaa Gaa Goo Goo! Send me to pre-school! I want you, I need you, I love you! Take me now!!!  
Arnold- (Laughing hysterically) Let me take a look!!  
(Arnold look in a small mirror)  
Arnold- Wow! Is that really me?  
Helga- (Sucking her thumb) mmmHmm.  
Arnold- You look really great too, Helga.  
Helga- Huh?  
Arnold- Take a look!  
(Helga looks in the mirror)  
Helga- whoa! This has got to be a dream! I don't wear makeup!  
Arnold- well, maybe not in 4th grade...but we are what, 18 now?  
Gerald- That sounds about right  
Phoebe- I'm 18 and a half!  
Helga- how do you know?  
Phoebe- Cause I'm older than you.  
Gerald- not older than me!  
Phoebe- Am so!  
Gerald- No way!  
(They continue to bicker)  
Arnold- You really are...  
Helga- Insane, crazy, off the wall, troubled, hopeless?  
Arnold- No!!! I was gonna say, beautiful!  
Helga-...Oh. Heh, thanks.  
Arnold- We'd make a pretty cute couple now...  
Helga- You think?  
Arnold- (Moving in closer) Yeah.  
Helga- well, if you're sure...  
Arnold- (closer yet) Oh, I'm sure.  
Phoebe- Um, Arnold?  
Arnold- (Not moving from his current position) yeah?  
Phoebe- is there somewhere you want us to go?  
Gerald- yeah, we don't really wanna watch you get all kissy face!  
Helga- Kissy face! Yeah right. We were just talking  
Gerald- Whatever.  
Phoebe- Hey look, there appears to be some textbooks from high school on your desk.  
(They group around Phoebe, who sits in a chair, and opens the textbook. It is a Health book)  
Phoebe- Respiratory System....  
Gerald- Bones, Bones, and more Bones...  
Helga- The Human Anatomy...  
Arnold- The Reproductive System...  
Helga- Ooo, flip to that one, Pheebs!  
Arnold- Huh?  
Gerald- What's all that about?  
Helga- You mean you both don't know!?  
Arnold- Know what?  
Helga- Where babies come from, for god's sake!  
Gerald- Um...(Thinking of the stork)  
Helga- No! Not the damn stork! How old are you!?  
Gerald- How did you know I was thinking of the stork!? I didn't say anything!  
Helga- I read your thinking caption.  
Gerald- Oh.  
Arnold- So...then, where DO babies come from?  
Helga- Oh crimeny! I'm not gonna teach you!  
Phoebe- I will. I think it's important!  
Helga- Have fun.  
(Helga goes and lies on Arnold's bed, and watches the sky turn colors into sunset)  
Phoebe- See...  
Gerald- Gross!  
Phoebe- It's not gross Gerald! It's nature!  
Gerald- Nature-shmature! That's nasty! I'm never having kids!  
Helga- You CAN'T have kids! DOI!  
Gerald- (Gives raspberry to Helga) Well thank god!  
Phoebe- Yes, only females can have the children.  
Gerald- This is too sick!  
Arnold- I find it fascinating  
Gerald- You would!  
Arnold- (glares at Gerald) So what do the males do?  
Helga- Oh crimeny! Wake me when you're done!  
(Helga falls into a deep sleep.)  
*Helga is walking through a field of Poppy's. They are beautiful, and there is a light scent of freshly cut grass. Ahead is a giant castle-like building, made of a shiny emerald green substance. Helga lies down in the field, and picks some flowers around her. There is someone humming near her. She looks to her side, and sees a beautiful man. 'Arnold?' she asks him. 'yes, angel?' he replies. this is weird, she thought. 'what are you doing?' she asks him. he doesn't answer, he just lightly touches her face. it tickles a lot. so much, that it wakes her up*  
(She is still lying on the bed, but it is dark in the room, and someone is definitely touching her face.)  
Helga- Arnold...?  
Arnold: Sorry... I didn't mean to wake you up.  
Helga: *stretches* Hmm... that's okay... was about to get up anyway. So, what's up? Is it night already? *looks around the room and notices that Gerald and Phoebe are not there, one thing it's dark... but she doesn't sense them anywhere* Where's Phoebe and Gerald? 

Arnold-(still playing with her face) They're on a walk. Phoebe wasn't tired.  
Helga-(yawn) oh. mmm...(giggles) that tickles  
(Arnold does little swirls around her cheeks, then he runs a finger over her lips.)  
Helga-What's gotten into you?  
(Arnold smiles, but doesn't answer. He kisses her, the most passionate kiss yet! Helga feels as though she has melted into a little puddle of goo. They would have noticed Carm, Pop, Arana, and Pixie looking in the skylight with a huge tub of popcorn, but they were too into the heat of the moment.)  
  
Carm- (To the readers) um, how far can I take this??? Hee hee, I'm feeling kinda dirty today! (and it's only 8:30am!) I won't get all graphic I promise, but I mean, come on! They gotta make they're "mad monkey sex" sometime!   
  
(Helga's insides start to get very warm, and she is more conscious of her pulse now.)  
Helga- (In between kisses) I feel...really.. weird...  
Arnold- Yeah...me...too...  
Helga- (Stopping him) Arnold...  
Arnold- What is it?  
Helga- You didn't happen to ....read about this...did you?  
Arnold- (Blushing) uh...  
Helga- (Laughs) well, you might have to inform me, football head!   
Arnold- I thought you said you knew all about it!  
Helga- heh....  
(Arnold smiles, and kisses her again. She takes her hair binders out, and lets her hair flow down to the pillow below her.)  
  


Pop- So, how far is this gonna go?  
Arana- Shhh!!!  
Pop- (Whispers) Sorry!  
  
  



	11. Sorta XRATED But Not Really

(Helga's heart is in knots. She feels Arnold's hands moving her clothing around.)  
Helga- What....are you-  
(And at that moment, Helga is introduced to the wonderful world of sex.)  
  


Carm- I can't believe I'm writing this! I am such a virgin!  
Arana- Really?  
Carm- (Blushing)  
Pop- hee hee!  
Pixie- How OLD are you?  
Carm- Hey, shut up! I just haven't found the right man yet!  
Arana- Well, ya ain't gettin' any younger!  
Carm- (Grumbling) Oh, can it, you nit...  
  
*The next morning, since Carm is blushing too much to continue describing the...scene*  
Carm- (Deep Red) Blushing hurts!!  
  
(Helga wakes to Arnold's arms around her.)  
Helga- (Thinking) did that really happen? *sighs happily*  
(She gets tense when she remembers Gerald and Phoebe. She looks to the other side of the room, and sees Phoebe sleeping on the couch, and Gerald on a blanket on the floor.)  
Helga- (Thinking) Oh god! Did they see?! Do they know?! Well if they don't they're damn idiots!  
(Helga feels Arnold kiss her neck. She smiles, and turns to him.)  
Arnold- Good morning, beautiful.  
Helga- Good morning, my love.  
Arnold- Did you get any sleep?  
Helga- Yes.  
Arnold- Good. We've been through some of the most excellent adventures, and got very little sleep.  
Helga- Yes, and I have a feeling our adventures are not over yet!  
Arnold- God I hope not! I love being dragged through every movie these writers can think of!  
Helga- Wow, me too!  
Carm- Sarcastic bastards!  
Helga- Noooo....!  
Arnold- Helga,  
Helga- Hmmm?  
Arnold- I just wanted to remind you,  
Helga- Of what?  
Arnold- That I love you.  
Helga- *Sighs dramatically*  
Arnold- hee hee!  
Helga- I love you too, Arnold.  
  
Phoebe- (yawning) Oh, what time is it?  
Gerald- (waking up) huh?  
Phoebe- Oh, Gerald! What are you doing on the floor?  
Gerald- There wasn't enough room for me!  
Phoebe- I told you we could share!  
Gerald- You kept stealing the covers!  
Phoebe- Sorry.  
Helga-(Laughing) Good morning guys.  
Gerald & Phoebe- Morning  
Gerald- Hey...are you two dressed!?  
(Helga freezes, and looks casually down. She moves her hand slightly to her belly, and realizes...nope, she's naked! and she guesses the same for Arnold)  
Arnold- (Getting out of bed) Yep, I'm dressed.  
(Helga's jaw drops when she sees Arnold was wearing boxers)  
Helga- Uh....  
Phoebe- Okay gentleman, why don't you wait out in the hall for Helga and I to get dressed?  
Arnold and Gerald- Okay.  
(They leave)  
Phoebe- Helga! Are you really not dressed?  
Helga- (Blushing) Nope...  
Phoebe- Did you...do something?  
Helga- Maybe…  
Phoebe- (Giggling uncontrollably) Really?! What was it like?  
Helga- Er...

(Carm struggling hard to imagine what it IS like...)  
Helga- Well, I've had a cake that was pretty good in comparison...but with Arnold...Oh....  
Phoebe- Oh that sounds wonderful! (Whispering) You'll have to give me that cake recipe!  
Helga- (Smiles) Hey, what about you two?  
Phoebe- Gerald? No! He still thought it was gross.  
Helga- (laughing) yeah... that's Gerald!  
  
(In the hall)  
Gerald- Was she good?  
Arnold- I don't know! I've never done it before!  
Gerald- That's gross.  
Arnold- It wasn't gross.  
Gerald- I still think so  
Arnold- So you're gonna stay a virgin, like Carrot Top for the rest of you're life?  
Gerald- Carrot Top is a virgin?  
Arnold- (Looking at Gerald like he's the dumbest person in the galaxy) Well doi!  
Gerald- Oh crap! Hey, ATT guy!  
(Carrot Top appears, eating cabbage)  
Gerald- (Making a disgusted look at the cabbage) uh...Carrot Top, have you ever had a girlfriend?  
Carrot Top- mmmhmmm  
Gerald- Other than animals...  
Carrot Top- (Thinking, and still taking bites of cabbage)...mmmhmmm  
Arnold- Who?  
Carrot Top- this one chick in high school.  
Gerald- Did you ever....you know?  
Carrot Top- huh? Heck no! Sex is icky! Girls are gross!  
Gerald- Oh Christ!  
Arnold- Told yah!  
  
Carm- Hey Arana, order a pizza.  
Arana- okay.   
Pixie- Call 488-8888 pizza hut delivery is really great!  
Pop- Ick. Can't we get some authentic NY pizza?  
Carm- Oooo, that sounds great!  
Pixie- You know, the pizza is Chicago is even more splendid!  
Carm- Oh yeah, that Uno's place is godly!  
Arana- To Uno?  
Carm- To Uno!  
Carm, Arana, Pop, & Pixie- Oh, we're off to eat at Uno's the wonderful Uno's of god!

Gerald- well...I mean...what if Phoebe isn't...into that?  
Arnold- Hmm...I don't know.  
Gerald- What? You always know what to do Arnold!  
Arnold- Well, Helga didn't resist at all! I don't know what to tell you.  
Gerald- Not even a little?  
Arnold- Nope.  
Gerald- Not even like, a little, 'wait'?  
Arnold- Gerald, she's loved me since pre-school!  
Gerald- Yeah, well...you don't have to brag.  
Arnold- I'm sure Phoebe likes you likes you. Anyway, I have a feeling Carm won't give you much time to fool around for at least a few hours.  
Gerald- Yeah, figures. Let's Arnold and Helga have all the fun!  
Carm- Sorry! They're my favorites!  
Gerald- Always playing favorites....  
Carm- Oh fine, I'll let you get some nookie sometime in the story!  
Gerald- Yay!  
Arnold- (Slaps his forehead) Hey look, the health book is out here.  
Gerald- Hmm...we never read past this page...  
(They both read about how girls usually hurt afterwards. Both of they're eyes widen.)  
  
Phoebe- What do you mean?  
Helga- I mean, if Gerald, you know...started, would you go through with it?  
Phoebe- (Blushing)  
Helga- Okay, that's all I wanted to know. Now hand me my shirt.  
Phoebe- Handing!  
Helga- (Putting on her shirt) I wonder what kind of shit we have to do today? Pass me my dress, will yah?  
Phoebe- Passing! I don't know.  
Helga- Well...let's go join the boys, and take a look outside.  
Phoebe- Alright.  
  
(They open the door. Arnold rushes to Helga, gently placing his hands on her, as if she were made of thin glass)  
Arnold- Are you feeling okay, Helga? Do you need to lie down?  
Helga- (Confused) No. I'm fine!   
Arnold- Are you sure, cause I can carry you, if you're tired-  
Helga- Arnold! What's gotten into you?  
Phoebe- (Scanning the page they read) Oh, Helga, look.  
(Phoebe shows her)  
Helga- Well I don't know about that. I'm fine.  
Arnold- (Sighs with relief) oh, good!  
Helga- Let's go outside.  
Arnold- Good idea, I could use some air.  
Gerald- That makes two of us!  
  
(They walk outside and are stunned with what they are presented with. Everything, including themselves are entirely black and white)  
Phoebe- What happened!?  
Gerald- I don't know! Everything's lost its color!  
Helga- Look at me! I'm pasty!  
Arnold- We're not in the city at all!  
(They look back at in the door where they came from, and it's not the boarding house anymore. It is now a large suburban house, also lacking color. They hear a voice coming from the TV. They go to it, and see before them, a beautiful, mysterious lady)  
Mysterious Lady- Hello, welcome.  
Arnold- Who are you  
Mysterious Lady- You may call me Tyra.  
Helga- Cut the introduction crap, where the hell are we!?  
Tyra- (Chuckles) Helga, Helga, Helga. Such a nasty temper. You are in Pleasantville of course!  
Gerald- We're IN Pleasantville?!  
Tyra- That's right.  
Phoebe- How!?  
Tyra- Magic!  
Gerald- Really?  
Tyra- No...Carm did it.  
Gerald- Figures.  
Helga- Oh my god, we're like, living in Nerdville!  
Arnold- Look this is great and all, but we just want to go home now!  
Trya- But you don't know how long I've been looking for people like you!  
Arnold- People like us?  
Tyra- Yeah!  
Gerald- Why?  
Tyra- (grinning) No reason.  
Helga- Okay...umm...can we please go home?  
Tyra- Nope. See yah!  
(Tyra transports to Pepper Land)  
Carm- Hey Tyra!  
Tyra- Hi!  
Arana- Welcome to our humble abode  
Tyra- Thanks.  
(A flash of light shines in they're eyes, and they are instantly dolled up in strange clothes)  
Pop- What happened?  
Pixie- I don't know!  
Carm- AHHH!!! I'm Scary Spice!  
Pop- AHHH!!! I'm Posh Spice!  
Pixie- NOOO!!!! I'm Baby Spice!  
Tyra- AAAACKK!!! I'm Ginger Spice!  
Arana- AHHHHNOOO!! I'm Sporty Spice!  
  
(They run off in different directions, screaming madly while pulling they're hair)  
  
Arnold- Did you hear something?  
Gerald- Nope.  
Phoebe- This is ridiculous.  
Helga- Hey, I have an idea, come with me!  
(They run out the front door.)  
Helga- (Yelling) RAINBOW BRITE, SEE THE SHINING LIGHT! THE SUN'S GONNA TAKE YOU TO RAINBOW BRIGHT!!!  
(Rainbow Brite appears on her horse Starlight, along with her furry little friend Twink)  
Rainbow Brite- That was my cue, right?  
Helga- Yeah, can you help us?  
Rainbow Brite- Sure!  
Helga- We need to first of all, get some color back into us...  
Rainbow Brite- Twink, some gold star-sprinkles.  
(Rainbow Brite takes some star-sprinkles, touches them to her belt, and color falls over them, and the whole town behind them)  
Phoebe- Wow!  
Gerald- nice trick!  
Starlight- It's not a trick!  
Gerald- ACK! The horse can talk!!!  
Starlight- Well duh! I'm Starlight, the magnificent talking and flying horse!  
Arnold- Are you related to Mr. Ed?  
Starlight- (sighs heavily) No...it's just a coincidence  
Arnold- Oh.  
Helga- And second, can you give us a lift back to our neighborhood?  
Rainbow Brite- Sure! Hop on!  
Starlight- Hey, wait! Don't I get any say in this!?  
Rainbow Brite- Oh stop you're bitching!  
Starlight-(gives her a raspberry)  
(They get on Starlight, and head on the rainbow road, back to Arnold's neighborhood)

Tyra: So... On the 'ever so' faithful horsie, Rainbow Bright, they rode all the way to Sunset Arms-  
Susie: Oskar!!  
Tyra: Ahh, the home sweet home.  
*just then, Susie throws Oskar out of the window, he plummets down to the ground in a splat*  
Tyra: Oookay.... Now as I was saying, they are now landing on Arnold's roof and get off almost immediately when Rainbow Bright lands.  
Helga: Thanks, Rainbow Bright!  
Rainbow Bright: Don't mention it! *leaves*   
Helga: I'm glad that's over...  
Gerald: You're telling me, I almost got airsick! *looks like he's about to 'toss his cookies'*  
Helga: Heh, pipe down, Geraldo... you'll be fine.  
Gerald: That's what you say. *throws up*  
Arnold: Eww... nasty!   
Mysterious person: Hey there, guys!  
Arnold: Who are you?   
Mysterious Person: I'm the new writer, Danie!  
All(not including us writers): NOOOO!!! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!  
Danie: Well, too bad, sucker!!!!! *laughs evilly then disappears*

(Carmie passes Danie some popcorn)  
Danie- Thanks.  
  
Arnold- Lila? What are you doing here?  
Lila- I am ever so certain that I am visiting! I missed you Arnold.  
Arnold- Um...how did you get as old as us?  
Lila- Oh, this ever so mean Freaky Old Man caught me in a net, and took me to his lab, and-  
Helga- Yeah, yeah, we know! We went though it already.  
Lila- Oh, yeah.  
Arnold- So, what purpose do you play here?  
Lila- I am ever so certain that I am here to tempt you, Arnold.  
Arnold- Tempt me? Good luck.  
Lila- Thank you ever so much!  
Helga- Crimeny, just SHUT UP LILA! You're giving me a headache!  
Lila- Why?  
Helga- Cause you're voice is annoying as all hell! I can't take it! (Pulling her hair)  
Arnold- Helga, calm down.  
Helga- (composing herself) sorry...  
  


(A big bolt of orange lightning strikes at Arnold, and transports him to Pepper Land)  
Arnold- HUH!? What the- where am I?  
(Music begins to play)  
Arana- One, you're like a dream come true,  
Pixie- Two, just wanna be with you!  
Tyra- Three, baby can't you see?  
Carm- You're the only one for me and,   
Danie- Four, repeat steps one through three,  
Pop- Five, make you fall in love with me,  
Carm- If ever I should feel my work is done, We'll just start right back at one!  
  
Arnold- (Slaps his head) you guys...shouldn't we get back to the story?  
Carm- Okay....  
Arnold- Okay...?  
Carm- AFTER OUR ARNOLD SUNDAE!!  
  



	12. Oompa Lumpa

Carm- AFTER OUR ARNOLD SUNDAE!!

Pop, Danie, Tyra, Pixie, Arana & Carm- IEE IEE IEE IEE!!! ICE CREAMMMMM!!!!!  
(They pin Arnold down, Arana lifts his shirt off, and Carm scoops cold ice cream onto his chest)  
Arnold- AHHH!!! COLD!  
Pop- HOT FUDGGGGGE!!! (adds fudge)  
Arnold- ACK!  
Tyra- CARAMELLLL!!! (adds caramel)  
Arnold- YOU GUYS...!!!  
Danie- WHIPPED CREAMMMM!!!! (sprays whipped cream)  
Pixie- SPRINKLLLLLLES!!!! (adds colorful sprinkles)  
Arnold- AHHH!! STOP IT!! LEMMIE GO!!  
Carm- And a CHERRRRYYY on top!  
Arana- (flicking a tear) It's so beautiful!  
Carm- Who cares if it's beautiful? LET'S EAT!!!  
(they all go in for some premium Arnold Sundae...Homemade!!)  
Arnold- ACK! Stop that! Ahh! That's tickles! Quit it!!! Cut-cut that out! Yuck! I'm all gooey!! HEEEELLLLLLPPP!!!  
  


(They look at the readers...they're faces covered in dessert)  
Carm- Heh...not funny...? Oh FINE!  
(Carm snaps her fingers and Arnold is transported back to where he was...clean!)  
  
Helga- What happened to you? Where did you go?!  
Arnold- (looking at his clean shirt) You don't want to know...  
Lila- I am ever so certain that I would  
Arnold- No, really, you DON'T want to know.  
Gerald- Well I don't. Let's go inside, I want to sit down  
Arnold- Okay  
  
(They go sit inside. Lila too. Arnold sits down on the couch, and Lila quickly sits next to him before Helga can)  
Helga- (grumbles)  
Arnold- It's okay Helga, come sit on my lap.  
(Helga gives Lila a raspberry. She frowns)  
Gerald- Oh...thank you Phoebe...  
(Phoebe has begun to rub Gerald's back)  
Helga- (Running her fingers through Arnold's hair) So now what?  
Arnold- I guess...we wait until someone comes up with a bright idea of where to send us questing next!  
Helga- Great...

Just then a knock sounded at the door of Arnold's room.  
  


Before anyone could open the door to see who it was, a rush of wind did the job for them.  
"Pixie?"   
Gerald quivered, "Please, man, don't eat us!" he squealed and ducked under the covers of Arnold's bed.  
Pixie smiled coyly, "Well, certainly not today."  
She waited for them to get the joke.  
Silence.  
"What am I thinking? You may have the bodies of 18 year olds, but in your head there still lies the mind of a 9 year old."  
Uneasy silence.  
"Well, I see that I will have to get to the point. I have been sent here by CarmHelga1 to fix the plot holes in this story. For I am the plot hole pixie."  
"Then why are you dressed like a Spice Girl?" Helga asked, noting Pixie's short Gucci black dress and high platform shoes.  
"The cause of another unsightly plot hole." Pixie sighed.  
"Well, then what do you plan to do?" Arnold asked.  
He nervously held onto Helga as she sat on his lap. He prayed that whatever was to happen it wouldn't take away from their new found love.  
"There are a few things we must do first before I can get started." Pixie stated, "There are some questions you must answer."  
Gerald popped his head from under the covers, "Like what?"  
"Like ... what is your name?"  
"Gerald."  
"What is your quest?"  
"What the hell? Are you stealing a line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?" Gerald replied.  
Pixie feigned ignorance, "What? I've never heard of it. Oh bollocks! Forget the questions. Everyone just close you're eyes."  
Pixie raised her arms and in the background monks started chanting, "Yo! I tell you what I want what I really, really want."  
Suddenly all went dark.

Girl: Hey Arnold!  
Arnold: Huh? Lila?

(They all got the sensation that they were being pulled through breathable water. It was actually quite refreshing... except for the music)  
Music- Stop right now! Thank you very much! I need somebody with a human touch...  
Helga- Do we have to listen to this?  
Pixie- Sorry...  
Music- Hey, you! Always on the run, gotta slow it down, baby, gotta have some fun!  
Helga- ....I can't take it...please turn it to something else...  
ANYTHING else!  
Pixie- (watching Helga fidget) Helga, watch where you swing you're arms, you could mess up our flow...  
Music- Doo doo doo doo...doo doo doo doo. Always be together!  
Helga- AHHHH!!!! That's it! I can't take it!  
(Helga throws her arms violently around her. The music changes. Pixie slaps her forehead)  
Music- You're all I ever wanted! You're all I ever needed, yeah, so tell me what to do girl, cause I want you back!  
Gerald- Oh, thanks Helga, this is MUCH better!  
Helga- (smiling sheepishly) Sorry...  
(Helga swings her arms sharply. The music changes again)  
Music- When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his metal, and yet I'm torn apart  
Phoebe- ooo. I like this song!  
Music- Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kinda human if I only had a heart...  
Helga- okay, I can deal  
(The music stops and they hit the ground.)  
Helga- Ow! Man, what a sucky way to travel  
(They don't say anything to Helga's comment...they just stare)  
Helga- Where the hell are we now?  
Pixie- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Wonka Chocolate Factory  
Gerald- Chocolate?   
Phoebe- Oh...is that why the waterfall is brown...oops!  
Helga- Oh thanks for that Phoebe, I'm REALLY hungry now!  
Phoebe- Sorry...  
Scary Man in a Purple Suit & Top Hat- Welcome to my factory.  
Arnold- Who are you?   
SMIAPS&TH- Can't you read?? Oh, okay. I am Willy Wonka. The owner of the finest chocolate factory in the world. I have invited some of you're friends...  
Arnold- Harold, Rhonda, and Lila?  
Wonka- Oh good! I invited the right people  
Arnold- well yeah, but why them in particular?  
Wonka- no reason. Now, come with me, and you'll be in a world of pure imagination...  
(the kids run around eating candy, while the insane Wonka guy sings to his own theme music.)  
Harold- CHOCOLATE!!!!   
Phoebe- That's right Harold. The whole river is pure Chocolate.  
Harold- Oh, I'm sooo hungry!!  
Phoebe- Um, perhaps you should try something over...here... Harold! HAROLD!!!  
(Harold dove head first into the Chocolate River. Wonka goes nuts)  
Wonka- My chocolate! It's ruined!  
Arnold- Harold! (offers a stick) Grab on!  
(Harold misses. He gets sucked underwater and is pulled up into a tube, and out of the room.)  
Arnold- What happened to him!?  
Wonka- He's going to the fudge room  
Helga- The fudge room? Crimeny! We're hanging out with a murderer!  
Wonka- Ooo I like you.  
Helga- Yeah, don't get fresh.  
(They enter a room full of new candy experiments.)  
Lila- Ooo, what ever are those?  
Wonka- Those, my dear, are my latest creation.   
Lila- I am certain it's just gum  
Wonka- Just gum?! My dear, this piece of gum contains the sensations of a four-course meal!  
Lila- (taking the gum) I ever so much would like to try it!  
Wonka- Oh, but it hasn't been fully tested!  
Lila- I am ever so sure I will be careful!  
(Lila shoves the piece of gum into her mouth)  
Lila- Mmmm...I taste a garden salad...ranch dressing, Ooo, split pea soup...roast beef...and mashed potatoes...  
Gerald- What's for desert?  
Lila- I am ever so sure that it's Blueberry pie!  
Helga- Blueberry...yuck.  
Lila- Oh it's ever so good! you should try one.  
Arnold- Lila, you're turning Lilac Lila!  
Helga- hahahaha!  
Arnold- (Elbowing Helga) Mr. Wonka! Something's wrong with Lila!  
Wonka- Hmm...it always goes wrong on the dessert...  
(wonka playes a little whistle, and a little Oompa Loompa rolls Lila out)  
Helga- What the hell were those things?  
Wonka- those were the-  
(Helga covers his mouth)  
Helga- never mind! I don't want to know!  
Phoebe- Where are they taking her?  
Wonka- To be juiced.  
Rhonda- JUICED?  
Wonka- Yes, she must be juiced immediately, or she'll explode.  
Helga- What's the hurry?  
(Arnold elbows her again)  
Helga- Ow! what?  
Wonka- Let's move on shall we?  
(they move on. Helga pulls Arnold into a side room she eyes.)  
Arnold- What?  
Helga- Look at this room!  
(They look into the room, which is completely filled with bubbles. The ceiling is very high. There is a bottle of Fizzie Lifting Drink)  
Helga- (pops the cork, and takes a swig) Hmmm..not bad!  
Arnold- Let me try! (takes a swig)  
Helga- I wonder what it do-AHHHHHH!!!  
(Helga screams when her feet leave the ground. Arnold notices the same happen to him)  
Arnold- What's happening!?  
Helga- I don't know!  
Arnold- Helga! We're flying!  
Helga- Fly, flying?!  
Arnold- Yeah! (Laughs, and bats the air to move himself higher. Helga joins suit.)  
Helga- This...is actually...really fun!  
(Arnold flies to her, and wraps his arms around her. He kisses her.)  
Helga- WOW!  
Arnold- What?!  
Helga- When you kissed me just then...I felt like I was floating on air!  
Arnold- (looks down and shakes his head) Helga...whoa, we're getting really high  
Helga- (looking up) Oh my god, we're almost to that fan in the ceiling!!  
Arnold- How do we get down!?  
Helga- I don't know!  
(the panic, trying to pull themselves down, but nothing is available to service them...)  
Carm- (Whispering) psst!  
Arnold- Is that you Carm?  
Carm- Yeah...I have one word of advice  
Helga- What's that?  
Carm- *burps* excuse me!  
Helga- Gross!  
Carm- Well, gotta go!  
Arnold- Hey wait! What was the word of advice!  
Helga *burps* oh, sorry...  
(Helga starts to descend)  
Helga- Arnold!!! Burp!  
Arnold- I can't!  
Helga- Arnold, you have to! It's the only way!  
Arnold- *burp* oh...  
(They descend to the floor)  
Helga- Let's get outta here!  
Arnold- Yeah!  
(They run to catch up with the rest. Wonka is showing them golden eggs)  
Rhonda- I want a golden goose egg. How much?  
Wonka- Heh, they're not for sale, darling.  
Rhonda- What? No really, name you're price.  
Wonka- They're not for sale!  
Rhonda- I want a Golden Goose NOOOWWW!!   
(Rhonda sings a little diddy about how much of an ass she is. and she ends up falling down a garbage chute)  
Gerlad- Where'd she go?  
Wonka- To the dumpster  
Gerald- No complaints here!  
(Phoebe elbows him)  
Gerald- What'd I say?  
  
(They move on...to a white room)  
Gerald- Wow! is that a TV?  
Wonka- Oh, not just any TV, boy! This is a Wonka-vision!  
Gerald- Cool. What's it do?  
(Wonka shows a candy bar shrink to the side of a pea)  
Gerald- Neat! Do me! Do me!  
Wonka- Oh I don't know, it hasn't been tested on humans...  
Gerald- Come on! what could happen?  
Wonka- Well okay...  
Phoebe- Gerald! No!  
(She kisses Gerald, as if for the last time)  
Gerald- It's okay Phoebe, I'll be fine!  
Phoebe- Be careful...  
Gerald- I will.   
(He gives her an Eskimo kiss, and she backs away. Wonka turns on the machine and shrinks Gerald to the size of a pea.)  
Gerald- WOW! This is wicked awesome!  
Sid- hey, that's my line!  
Gerald- Buzz off!  
Sid- (grumble)  
Phoebe- okay, you can turn him back now.  
Wonka- Hmm?  
Phoebe- Turn him back to normal!  
Wonka- We can't. We only know how to shrink.  
Gerald- WHAT!?  
Phoebe- Oh, Gerald! How will we have kids!?  
Gerald- Well...  
(Phoebe weeps, and takes Gerald into her hands)  
Phoebe- I'm taking you home, and figuring out how to fix this! There's bound to be someone who knows how to help on the web!  
(Phoebe leaves with the mini Gerald)  
Wonka- Ooo. Tough luck!  
Helga- You really blow you know that? How are you going to kill us off, huh?  
Arnold- Helga!  
Helga- No! I want to know! What is it to be Mr. Wonka? The rack, or the iron madien!?  
Wonka- I don't believe we have either of those flavors...  
Helga- Come on Arnold, let's get out of here  
Wonka- Oh, my dear girl!  
Helga- Don't call me-  
Wonka- You did it!  
Helga- Did what?  
Wonka- You won!  
Arnold- A trip to Miami?  
Wonka- .....no....but you get to keep my chocolate factory!  
Helga- Oh great! Then I can go around killing innocent children  
Wonka- Children? you look a little old to be calling yourselves that.  
Arnold- Oh yeah, we're 18!  
Wonka- (sigh), okay, well if you don't want the factory, I'll at least give you a lift home.  
(They enter the Wonkavator)

They entered the Wonkavator and the door closed instantly. Willy Wonka pushed some buttons that make the Wonkavator go in rapid speed it was so fast it caught on fire!... and a burning light beamed at all of them burning them like HELL, except Willy Wonka that was the only one who could resist it.   
"What the hell is going on?!!" said Arnold suddenly screaming  
"GOD, THAT LIGHT IS BURNING MY EYES, DAMMIT!!!!" Helga said Arnold still protecting her "Don't worry, baby!"  
"Arnold..."  
"What?"  
"Are we forgetting something?"  
"Gerald and Phoebe!" said both in union.  
"Hey Weggie Wonder! Why aren't you frying?! This place is like Hell!"  
"Heh, I am Willy Wonka, I can resist anything... I've made caramel... do you know how HOT that IS?!, if you can resist it then you can resist ANY TYPE OF HEAT!"  
"Oh... AH ELEVATOR-BURN!" said Arnold still holding on to Helga. Then it suddenly went cool and the heat was gone, the Wonkavator had stop and it opened with a bright groovy lights in front of them blinding them at first.  
  
~*Some Groovy place in the 60's*~  
Sexy guy with rotten teeth- "Yeah, baby, YEAH!!"  
"Oh, my... God.... is..."  
"AUSTINE POWARZ!!!1" said Stinky that came outta nowhere.  
"What the hell are YOU doing her, Stink-o?" said Helga picking him up and choking him.  
"Well you see-" he exploded before he could finish, Wonka had in his hand a 41 year-old Bazooka. "Ooookay... that's that." Helga said as she fainted because she thought the explosion was gonna kill her, Arnold grabbed her in his arms "oh my love!! what's wrong?!"  
Just then Austine POWARZ!!!1 came to Arnold "Hey, swinger! why don't you shag with that grooooovy chick and she'll bounce back, baby, YEAH!!!" he said while licking him disgusting teeth and shaking his groove thing. "Daddy's gonna give ya some sweet lovin'!!" said Arnold then nodded and went to a near by closet in AUSTINE POWARZ!!!1's party and then they had MAD MONKEY SEX! (muahahaha!).  
  
"Ooops sorry kiddos, this isn't the place... hey where'd you go?... crazy kids." said Wonka as he looked at Gerald and Phoebe they suddenly appear outta nowhere, Gerald still size as of a pea dirty dancing on Phoebe's hand and drinking BEER. Wonka took out a BIG ASS CHOCOLATE-GUN!!! and pointed to Gerald and Phoebe he shot them and they DIED!... nah not really they just fell asleep, covered in chocolate goo. He took them and was on his way to find Arnold and Helga who were still IN THE CLOSET, BABY!!.  
  
"AH! Arnold!!!"  
"Oh! You are back to life, my pet!"  
"Doi! With this much excitement, how can't ANY ONE be alive?!"  
"THERE YOU GUYS ARE, SHAME!" said Wonka as she took out once again her BIG ASS CHOCOLATE-GUN!!! and shoot them both and magically they had their cloths back on, only they where covered in chocolate goo with little sprinkles. He was about to leave when AUSTINE POWARZ!!!1 came with FELICITY and grabbed his arm and then Willy Wonka gave then some groovy 80's Wonka chocolate and they stupidly eat it.  
"Yeah!, Groovy, chocolate, Swinger!"  
"Oh, Austine! this turns me on!... forget those stupid kids and that Monkey-Man wanna-be... let's shag" said Felicity as they walk off to do... you know...  
Willy Wonka through the chocolate covered teens in the Wonkavator, they went throw the same heat wave, it was so hot that Willy Wonka frying and DIED. Meanwhile Arnold found a magical candy potion and everybody drank it they couldn't feel heat anymore! (on heat in bed..hehe) But the Wonkavator kept going in fast speed...  
  


(In Pepper Land)  
Pop: You know what, that was a good sundae  
Carm: yes, yes it was.  
Arana: Should we have another?  
Pixie: Nah, we won't put him in misery again.  
Pop: Yeah. Hey, can I change myself?  
Carm: Sure.  
Pop: YAY! I've been in a Britney Spears mood 4 the last 2 days sooo, *click* I'm Britney. OOOooo, Walk This Way out fit. Cool, that means I'm still dating Justin. *dreams, falls over*  
Arana: Oh no, *rolls eyes* POP! YOU ARE NOT DATING JUSTIN!  
Pop:*wakes up* I was only dreaming! Sheesh!*runs over to radio, turns on the song playing right now*  
Radio: "I don't want No Scrub. A Scrub is a kind of guy that can't give no love from me. Hanging out the passenger side, of his best friends ride, trying to holler at me. "  
All: *Stare at her dancing*  
Pop: WHAT?  
All: *roll eyes, go back to talking about something else*  
  
(In Arnold Land)  
Arnold: Where are we going??  
Helga: I have no clue.  
TTHHHUUMMMPP  
(They look around, Gerald and Phoebe have joined them, normal size. They are in a mansion. It is storming out side. They are in familiar out fits.)  
Butler: Ah, there you are. We were wondering where you went.  
(Stood behind him were Cornel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, and The Maid. Arnold was Mr. Green, Gerald-Professor Plum, Helga-Miss Scarlet, Phoebe-Mrs. White)  
Helga: Whoa! Isn't this dress a little revealing?  
Arnold: Not ANOTHER movie!!!  
Pop: YEP!  
Gerald: They really have no original ideas of their own, do they?  
Phoebe: Of Course not.  
Butler: Where were you guys? Murdering???  
Gerald: Murdering??? What the...???  
Butler: There have been numerous murders tonight. We have a cop in the study, a drunken man in the parlor. You  were supposed to split up and meet back here 5 minutes ago.  
(Arnold and Helga look at each other)  
Helga: Um, yeah, we haven't found anything yet so, can we split up again and come back in, oh, I dunno, an hour??  
Butler: Alright, but meet up here in 1 hour, we'll be waiting.  
Arnold: Alright.  
(Arnold and Helga go off, Gerald and Phoebe in another.)  
DING DONG  
Butler: *Opens door* Yes?  
Chris Bartley: Hello. I'm a pet sales man from door-to door pet sales.  
Butler: Yes, and  
Chris: I was wondering, you look very lonely in this mansion of yours. It's big with not a lot of people.  
(the other guests are crowded around the door.)  
Old Customer: *runs up* HEY! HEY YOU!*in English accent* I bought this Parrot today at your store.   
Chris: Ahh, yes, another satisfied customer.  
Chris: Oh that is not dead, it's just sleeping.  
OC: Sleeping??? Good God man, it is not sleeping! It is Dead as a Door NAIL! See? *spins it around* It's literally nailed to the post!  
Chris: I don't see a thing. Maybe if you offer it a cracker, it'll wake up.  
OC: Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker?? It DOESN'T RESPOND! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!  
Chris: Alright, fine, here, here's your precious money back! Give me back that bird, I have to re-sell it. *turns to butler*  
Butler: Oh, you don't expect me to take that thing, do you? Get off my porch! *slams door*  
Chris:*turns to us in Pepperland*  
Chris: Lemme tell you why I SUCK as a salesman. You see, when I get a pet, I love my new pet like it's a new toy. I pet it, and play with it, and pet it, and stroke it... You like that don't' you, you naughty pet, you naughty naughty pet.*crack* AAAAAHHHHH I broke it, I KILLED it!   
(all in Pepper Land stare. Chris runs off.)  
Pop: Okay that was weird, Like my Monty Python reference? We used it in Shenanigans this past year. I couldn't remember it quite well, but. There you go.)  
  
(They spread out into different sections of the house)  
Gerald- Okay, what are we supposed to be looking for?  
Phoebe- I guess clues to a murder.  
Gerald- REDRUM, REDRUM!  
Phoebe- What's that mean? Stop it! You're scaring me!  
Gerald- Heeeeeere's Jerrrry!!  
(Gerald grabs Phoebe)  
Phoebe- Ahhhh!!!!  
Gerald- I'm just kidding Phoebe!  
Phoebe- I know...  
(Gerald leans in, and kisses Phoebe. She suddenly gets a strong urge, and kisses him back, pushing him against a wall.)  
Gerald- (in between kisses) oh...I...think...I...like… you...when you're....tough!  
Phoebe- Really?  
Gerald- Yeah. It makes my stomach feel all weird  
Phoebe- (thinking to herself) Weird inside? Helga said that's what she felt! Could it be? Would he really go for me? What the hell!  
(Phoebe opens a door, and shoves Gerald inside)  
  
  



	13. REDRUM REDRUM!

(Meanwhile)  
Helga- Okay, what are we supposed to be looking for?  
Arnold- I guess clues to a murder  
Helga- REDRUM! REDRUM!  
Arnold- What's that supposed to mean?  
Helga- Heeeeere's Helga!  
Arnold- You're crazy.  
Helga- I know. Haven't you ever seen The Shining?  
Arnold- Nope.  
Helga- Oh. Well, spell it backwards idiot!  
Arnold- Redrum...m-u-r-d-e-r. Oh!  
Helga- Ding!  
Arnold- Who do you suppose did it?  
Helga- I don't know.  
(Arnold feels a sharp pain in his arm)  
Arnold- Ouch!  
Helga- What? What's wrong?  
Arnold- (looking at his arm) Something bit me!  
Helga- Let me see.  
(Helga examines his arm)  
Helga- You're fine! It was probably just a mosquito!  
Arnold- God, I hope so. I think I've been through enough for one day!  
Helga- Arnold!  
Arnold- What?  
Helga- You're wrist! Look at you're wrist!  
(He looks, there is a weird white blister forming)  
Arnold- Gross!  
Helga- Wipe it off!  
(Arnold tries to wipe it off. When it doesn't move, he flicks his hand, and shakes it. A long white web protracts from the blister)  
Helga- What the-?  
Arnold- (wide eyed, jaw dropped) Oh great...I'm Spider-Man...  
  
(Meanwhile, Phoebe and Gerald are making out heavy duty. Carm, Pop, Arana, Tyra, Danie, and Pixie are hangin' out, watching. A loud thunder erupts without warning)  
Carm- What? Who's there?  
Voice- I am a newcomer! Hear me roar! (meows, then smiles sheepishly)  
Carm- Welcome to the club!  
Voice- thanks.  
Pop- What's yer name kid?  
Voice- Emmie.  
Carm- Like Emoni?  
Emmie-....sort of...  
Pixie- Can we Pleeeeeeze have another go with Arnold?!  
Tyra- Yeah, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze?  
Carm- Oh.....  
Pop- Mmmmm (thinking about Justin Sundaes)  
Carm- Okay!  
All- Yay!!  
(Carm snaps her fingers....but nothing happens)  
Pixie- What's the hold up?  
Tyra- Yeah, I'm hungry!  
Carm- It didn't work!  
Pop- Let's check the view screen!  
(they all gather and look. Helga is alone, and shouting)  
Helga- CARM!!! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU TAKE HIM NOW!?  
Carm- Sorry! We'll find him!  
Helga- WHAT!? YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!!!????  
  
Carm- Okay, we'll split up. Check in, in exactly one hour!  
All- Let's go!  
  
(They all go to different places to look for Arnold. Pop runs into Justin, and forgets what she was looking for. Pixie dresses up like Posh, and poses for this weeks 'It Girl', Tyra and Craig Bartlett run into each other while turning a corner, and he invites her to lunch to make up for it, Arana runs into GIR, and they do a guest appearance on Celebrity Death Match....Arana kicked ass, and only lost one eye, but got better! Emmie transported to the renaissance time period, found a unicorn, and rode it all day, and Carm found a penny, and fought over it with Francesca Smith for 4 hours.)  
  
(Arnold opened his eyes to find he was lying next to Lila, who was sleeping)  
Arnold- Lila!? No! I didn't do anything! Did I? ATT!  
Carrot Top- (flossing) yeah?  
Arnold- Do you happen to know where we are?  
Carrot Top- Yeah, you're at Lila's house, duh!  
Arnold- How long have I been here?  
Carrot Top- How should I know? I just got here!  
Arnold- Okay, can you do me a favor?  
Carrot Top- What?  
Arnold- Don't tell Helga about this...I don't know what this is, but I don't want her to suspect anything.  
Carrot Top- What do I get out of this?  
Arnold- *sighs* I'll use call ATT...  
Carrot Top- Hurray! Deal! (he disappears.)  
(Lila wakes up)  
Lila- Arnold.  
Arnold-(turns and looks at her) What?  
Lila- How are you? Did you sleep?  
Arnold- No... How did I get here?  
Lila- You appeared outside, I took you in.  
Arnold- And...why am I in bed with you?  
Lila- (giggles) Why I am ever so certain you told me that you loved me!  
Arnold- NEVER!  
Lila- Arnold,  
Arnold- No! Lila, I don't believe you! I would never say that!  
  


(Arana radioed Carm)  
Arana- What's going on?  
Carm- I don't know! The transporter's all weird! Be alert!  
All- Roger that!  
  
(Helga suddenly beams into the room with Arnold and Lila. They don't notice her.)  
Lila- Say what?  
Arnold- That I love you!  
Helga- What!!!!????  
Arnold- (turning around, shocked) Helga!  
Helga- (backing away from him) What are you doing...with Lila?  
Arnold- I don't know!  
Helga- Oh really?  
Arnold- Yes! One minute, I'm in the house from hell with you, Gerald and Phoebe, and the next I'm in her room!  
Helga- Okay, I believe you.  
Arnold- Good.  
Helga- So, you love her....?  
Arnold- What? No!  
Helga- DON'T LIE TO ME ARNOLD! I HEARD YOU SAY THAT!  
Arnold- Helga! I didn't say anything!  
Helga- Liar! Didn't he Lila!? Didn't he say that he loved you!?  
Lila- Well, he did-  
Helga- You see! I knew it! I knew it was too good to be true! You suck Arnold, YOU SUCK!  
  
(Arnold goes to grab Helga, but she is teleported again)  
  
Helga- (in some crazy jungle, with a monkey on her head) What the hell is going on?  
  
Carm- Okay, I think I know how we can fix this,  
Tyra- I'm all ears.  
Carm- Head down to Main Engineering.  
Tyra- Roger.  
Carm- Pop, make sure all personnel are off of decks 10 through 35.  
Pop- Check!  
Carm- Arana, go paint yourself in tiger stripes, and free all of the animals from the zoo.  
Arana- Over!  
Carm- Emmie, you and Pixie go eat a bologna sandwich...and make me one too!  
Emmie & Pixie- Copy!  
Emmie- Can I ride a pony?  
Pixie- Can I wear a sporty utility belt?  
Carm- Knock yourselves out.  
Pixie & Emmie- Yay!  
  
Pop- Carm, I'm in Main Engineering.  
Carm- Great, now in order for this to work, we need to eject the warp core...  
Pop- Okie-dokie!  
  
Helga- Brainy? Oh great...  
Brainy- (in tears) Oh Helga, I'm sorry I hurt you…  
Helga- Well, you didn't really HURT me...  
Brainy- I never meant to hurt anyone. I loved you so much Helga. I do even now  
Helga- I'm sorry...  
Brainy- Helga, do you think nothing of me?  
Helga- Well, I haven't really thought about you...But that doesn't mean I think of you as being nothing.  
Brainy- Oh, that feels so good to hear you say. (Brainy hugs her)  
Helga- You're not so bad, Brainy. You just took me by surprise!  
Brainy- I know, and I'm sorry.  
Helga- Don't be.  
  
Arnold- I HATE YOU LILA! YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!  
Lila- Oh Arnold, you are ever so funny!  
Arnold- Lila, I'm not joking, stop toughing me!  
Lila- but Arnold, I want to have you're children!  
Arnold- Well, that's just too bad  
Lila- Why ever so?  
Arnold- Because...Helga gets first dibs.  
Lila- But Arnold, she's not here! And when she was, was she not yelling at you?  
Arnold- Well yeah, but that's just cause-  
Lila- Wasn't she always mean to you, and disagreeing with you...  
Arnold- Not that much-  
Lila- Look at me Arnold, aren't I pretty?  
Arnold-(looking) yes Lila, you're very pretty.  
Lila- (smiling) See, we could be great together! Imagine it!  
(Lila sits straddling Arnold, and touching his face) We could have a beautiful family, and we'd never fight, and everything would be perfect...!  
  
(Gerald and Phoebe are at they're time for HOT MONKEY SEX!)  
Gerald- (while doing the dirty business) Wow, this isn't gross at all!  
Phoebe- Shut up, and kiss me you fool!  
Gerald- Yes, oh evil one!  
  
Pop- Warp core is ready to eject on you're mark  
Carm- Ten seconds, now.  
Pop- Ten, nine, eight  
  
Lila- Oh Arnold, don't you see how much I need you? Hold me Arnold! TAKE ME!!!  
  
Pop- Seven, Six, Five  
  
Brainy- I love you Helga, I love you more that anything in the world! I'll never let you go!  
  
Pop- Four, Three, Two  
  
Gerald- Oh Phoebe, I love you so much!  
Phoebe- I love you more!  
  
Pop- One! Warp core ejected!  
  
(Suddenly everything goes Technicolor. Everyone transports all wacky)  
  
  
(Arnold transports, switching with Brainy. Helga and His lips meet)  
(Gerald and Phoebe are still together)  
(Brainy is now with Lila, and they both were leaning in to kiss Helga, and Arnold, but they now kiss each other)  
  
(Arnold and Helga open they're eyes, and open they're mouths to protest...but)  
Helga- Arnold!?  
Arnold- Helga!  
Helga- Oh Arnold! I'm so sorry! I almost made the biggest mistake of my life!  
Arnold- Me too! I never said I loved Lila, she was trying to break us!  
Helga- Brainy offered to father my children...  
Arnold- Really? Lila offered me a family too!  
Helga- No way? (laughs) They just wanted some perfect genes like ours!  
Arnold- What did you tell him?  
Helga- well... said that I wasn't ready for kids now...  
Arnold- Oh...  
Helga- Why? What did you say?  
Arnold- Err...  
Helga- Come on! Tell me.  
Arnold- I said...that you get first dibs...  
Helga- (smiles) And I will take that, when the time is right!  
(They embrace)  
  
All in Pepper Land- *Sigh*

Tyra: Are we there yet?  
Pixie: No.  
Tyra: Are we there yet?  
Pixie: No.  
Tyra: Are we there yet?  
Pixie: NO!  
Tyra: Are we there yet?  
Pixie: For the last time, NO!  
Tyra: ...................... Are we there yet?  
Pixie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!  
Carm: Calm down, you two.... we'll get to that part soon.  
Tyra: That's not what I'm asking-  
Carm: In that case, I have NO idea!  
Tyra: ...... :'( All I wanted to know was when we're going to Disney World!!  
Carm, Pixie, Danie, Arana(and the rest):   
Carm: Gurl, are you on some kinda sugar rush or somthin'?  
Tyra: *pulls out a huge bag of chocolate and pixie sticks* Whatcha talkin' 'bout?  
All: Get her!!!   
Tyra: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! 

Lila: Oh, I almost got Arnold! Stupid Helga! What a fine day this is-  *gets struck by lightning and dies*  
Tyra: Mission Complete! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA  
HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carm- (holding down Tyra)- Look, if you sober up, I'll take you to Disney  
Tyra- Yay!!!!  
Carm- Danie, please escort Tyra to confinement room B113  
Danie- Sure thing, Carmie!  
(Danie takes Tyra away to be isolated)  
Pop- Hey Carm,   
Carm- Yeeeeeeesss?  
Pop- Can Arana and I go on a pony ride?  
Pixie- Me too! Me too!  
Carm- *sighs* Yes, you can ride the ponies.  
(They run off, and ride ponies)  
  
(Arnold and Helga are still in a meaningful embrace)  
  
(Gerald and Phoebe, FINALLY finished the horizontal mambo, and are now getting dressed)  
Phoebe- (Smiling, and staring at Gerald)  
Gerald- What?  
Phoebe- You still think it's gross?  
Gerald- (Laughs, and playfully grabs Phoebe, and twirls her around) Nope!  
Phoebe- Good.  
Gerald- You know, I can't help it...  
Phoebe- Help what?  
Gerald- Feel sorry for Carrot Top...  
Phoebe- Oh.  
Gerald- I mean, how OLD is that guy!?  
Phoebe- I don't know...judging by how much makeup he wears, he could really be any age!  
Gerald- I'm gonna keep my eyes open for him.  
Phoebe- And keep you're eyes closed for me...  
Gerald- Ooo..(He growls, and kisses Phoebe on the neck)  
  
Brainy- Lila?! How did you get here!?  
Lila- I am ever so certain that I don't know! One minute I'm with Arnold, and now I'm here with you!  
Brainy- Oh this is most unfortunate...  
(Brainy goes and sits down, sulking)  
Lila- What ever is wrong, Brainy?  
Brainy- I was confessing my utter most despair and love for Helga....  
Lila- You love Helga?  
Brainy- Yes...I always have...  
Lila- Well...(She sits down next to him) I was confessing my love too...  
Brainy- really? To whom?  
Lila- Arnold...  
Brainy- Arnold? You love him?  
Lila- Oh ever so much!  
Brainy- Well I can see where you and I are in the same boat...  
Lila- Yes...  
Brainy- (light bulb goes on over his head, with a little ding!) That's it!!!  
Lila- What ever are you talking about?  
Brainy- Lila, you love Arnold, and I love Helga!  
Lila- Yeah...?  
Brainy- If we work together, we can break them apart, and we'd both get what we want!  
Lila- Yes! I'm in! What do we do!?  
  
Arnold- (Kissing Helga's hand) I'm sorry..*kiss*..Helga..*kiss*..I'm so sorry!  
Helga- Arnold! Stop it! (laughs) I forgive you!  
Arnold- Okay.  
Helga- Now all we have to do, is find our way out of this jungle...and get this damn monkey of my head...  
Arnold- (giggling) I think he likes you!  
Helga- Yeah, probably thinks I'm related...  
Arnold- Helga, you don't look like a monkey.  
Helga- Well I mean, the monkey neuc-  
Arnold- Oh please, you didn't have that!  
Helga- Well okay, fine! Maybe he does just like me, so what! Get it off me!  
Arnold- Come here! (He offers his arms to the monkey, which it takes, and Arnold sets it on a tree branch. It runs away) There.  
Helga- Thanks.  
(They set off walking)  
FOM- HAULT!  
(Arnold and Helga jump and scream at the same time)  
Arnold- Oh! It's you!  
Helga- Don't EVER do that again!  
FOM- sorry... Arnold! You're parents are nearby!  
Arnold- What?!  
Helga- his parents!!?  
FOM- yes...they live not far from here!  
Arnold- I..Wha...Can I see them?  
FOM- of course! I wouldn't have bothered coming back into the story if I didn't intend on helping the story somehow!  
Arnold- Oh, right.  
(They follow the freaky old man to a little jungle hut...decorated with Tiki stuff)  
Helga- Wow!  
Arnold- They...they live here!?  
FOM- What? No, this is my house...I just wanted to stop by and grab the car.  
Arnold- I thought you said they were nearby!  
FOM- Err, well, yes, in the car it shouldn't take too long!  
Arnold- Oh.  
(They jump in the safari car, and are off to see the wizard...okay not really, just Arnold's parents, I mean who cares right, we don't REALLY want to see them...OKAY! YES WE DO! Here goes!)  
  
(Lila is dressed in a black body suit)  
Lila- (Evil laugh) Ha! I look better than Helga ever did!  
Brainy- Well..  
Lila- Okay, not to you, but Arnold...  
Brainy- He won't be able to resist!  
Lila- once we break into Pepper Land, and transport to where Arnold and Helga are, I will use my ultimate disguise! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Carm- (Twiddling her thumbs) *yawn* oh, just a little nap wouldn't hurt...


	14. Freaky Old Man

Arnold: Did you hear something, Helga?  
Helga: Oh I think Lila has just died, kiss me.  
Arnold: Oh is that all?

*Lila and Brainy transport themselves to Pepper Land*  
Lila: Whoa neat place! Looks like we're in Heaven...  
Brainy: There-a-mind that! We've got a mission to uphold!  
Lila: Right!  
Carm: Look, it's Brainy!  
Lila: *ahem*  
Carm: and Li-i-il-a-a!!!!!!  
Pop: Lila the B*tch from Hell!!!!  
Lila: I'm so- ever so thankful, that you guys remember me!  
Pixie: Damn right, you female DOG!!  
Arana: You B*tch! Go back from the darkest dungeons where you came from!  
Danie: Yeah!   
Lila: I have no interest in you girls.  
Carm: Yuck! I hope not!  
Lila: As I was saying-  
Brainy: We're here to transport where Helga and Arnold are!  
Lila: Yeah, what he said!  
*Lila heads to a door, which is where Tyra was kept... she doesn't know that it's the wrong door*  
Lila: You can't stop us!  
Pop: Ha! Yeah RIGHT!!!  
*Lila and Brainy traps them all in a net*  
Danie: You know what Lila! You're a B.I.T.C.H! A B*TCH!!  
Arana: A real one!  
Lila: Ha! Like that fazes me! You have no clue on how many girls and the boys and men I've used called me that!  
All: UGH!!  
Lila: Come on, Brainy! Let's go! *opens the door* AAAAAAAAAH!!!!  
Tyra: *lunges at her and punches her in the nose. It bleeds!* Take that you BITCH!!!  
Lila: Ugh! My NOSE!!!!!! My Ever So Perfect Face!!! It's RUINED!!!!  
Mysterious person: You think that's bad! You've seen nothin' yet!  
Lila: *holding her bleeding face* Who are you!?!  
Mysterious person: My name's Rookee!! Please to make everybody's acquaintance... well, everybody except Li-i-ila-a-a!!  
Tyra: YAY!! Another writer in DA CLUB!! *sees the guys in the net* Hey, Rookee! Could you give me a hand and help me release the others!  
Rookee: Sure! *helps them get free*  
Carm: Thanks, you guys!! Now *looks evil* Lets deal with these two!! *points to Lila and Brainy*

(Brainy and Lila, dressed in black skin tight body suits, run away as fast as they can, like the Gingerbread Man! thought Carmie's Control Center, they find a spare room, and hide to catch they're breath. They stay in there for several hours, until everyone has given up trying to find them. They sneak back into the main control room, and find Carmie sleeping at her desk. Lila raises a pipe to bash her over the head...)  
Rookee- Noooooo!!!!!! (Does a judo chop to Lila's back, making her fall over) Take that you skanky hoe!  
(Brainy runs, not being seen. Carmie woke up, sometime during the judo chop part...)  
Carmie- Whoa! What was that all about!? (looking at Lila)  
Rookee- I don't know, but she's up to something.  
Carmie- you saved my life!   
Rookee- Oh, well...it was nothing...  
Carmie- I think I love you!!!   
(gives Rookee a big hug)  
Rookee- aw, shucks...  
Carmie- Come, join the insanity, and live with the rest of us in the mighty Pepper Land!  
Rookee- Do I get to ride a pony!!?  
Carmie- *sighs* yes...you can ride a pony...  
Rookee- YAY!  
(Carm snaps her fingers, and sends Rookee to be with the other girls, who are still riding the ponies. Carm takes Lila, and locks her into a VERY small broom closet.)  
Carmie- That should be nice and comfy!  
  
(meanwhile!)  
FOM- We're getting close...  
Helga- You've been saying that for the last 45 minutes!! Just can it! we'll get there when we get there!  
Arnold- (Rubbing Helga's back) How long have they been here?  
FOM- Well, I'm not entirely sure...see like I said, I am only sixteen...they were here when I got here.  
Arnold- And...how long ago was that?  
FOM- Bout a week.  
Helga- Sheesh...  
Arnold- (Shushing Helga, by putting his had over her mouth. when she gives up, he rubs her face lightly) How did you find them?  
FOM- they found me! I appeared not far from they're home, and they found me, and helped me out.  
Arnold- Why did you move so far away?  
FOM- They cook mushrooms.  
Arnold- Yeah, so?  
FOM- The smell makes me gag. I'll just be dropping you off!  
Helga- How can you not like mushrooms?  
FOM- How can you not like SPAM?  
Arnold- Uh, spam?  
FOM- yeah, I got 50 lbs of it in my trunk, you want some?  
Helga- Thank you, I'll pass.  
  
(They arrive at an even more impressive Tiki decorated home)  
  
Arnold- Wow...  
Helga- Well, they got good taste.  
FOM- Okay, see yah!  
(They get out of the car, and the Freaky Old Man drives off fast.)  
Helga- Yeah, it does smell like sautéed mushrooms...  
Arnold- mmm.  
Helga- Well, do you want to knock, or should I?  
Arnold- I....I don't know...  
Helga- Arnold, are you okay?  
Arnold- Oh...yeah, I'm great... (he starts walking away)  
Helga- Arnold! What is it? Don't you want to see them?  
Arnold- What does it matter? I haven't seen them in this long...I mean they probably won't even recognize me.  
Helga- I doubt that...how many people have football shaped heads...? Okay, sorry.  
Arnold- I just can't believe it.  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- All this time...all I had to do was ask Carm...and I would have been able to meet them ages ago...  
Helga- Well, Carm didn't know...I mean, she didn't start watching the show until later...  
Arnold- But when she found out, why did she just tell me?  
Helga- I think it had to do with Arana.   
Arnold- Why?  
Helga- Because, Arana has been such a good person to Carm, that when they became friends, they decided to move to Pepper Land, have a big online family, and build Carmie's Control Center...it just took time Arnold, you can't blame her.  
Arnold- Yeah, I guess you're right.  
Helga- I always am!  
Arnold- Okay, I'll go.  
Helga- Come on, I'll be right here with you.  
(They hold hands, and walk to the front door of the Tiki house. They knock at the same time, and a HUGE ASS FAT MAN answers the door)  
HAFM- Oh hello kids! what can I do for you?  
Arnold- Uh...ah, aklsjdieras?  
Helga- Um, who the hell are you?  
HAFM- I am Rudolfo, the house keeper!  
Arnold- Oh! *sighs in relief*  
Helga- We're looking for Arnold's parents...  
HAFM- Arnold!? ARNOLD!? Oh my goodness! I never dreamed I would meet you! (shakes Arnold's hand so rough, he feels like it's gonna fall off) Please! Come in! I will fetch the master of the house immediately!  
(they sit down on a nice Tiki couch. Helga holds Arnold's trembling hand as still as she can. She rubs his back with her spare arm)  
Helga- It's okay Arnold, I'll talk for you if you need me to.  
(He nods. A tall, blond, and tan man comes into the living room. His eyes light up when he sees Arnold and Helga on the couch.)  
Man- Hi, what can I do for you?  
Rudolfo- Sir, this is! This is...! (He faints)  
Man- *Sighs* he really is a nice man, just a little emotional. (he sits in a chair directly across from them.)  
Arnold- d...dad?  
Man- What?  
Arnold- Is that really you?  
Helga- Sir, this is Arnold.  
(The man doesn't speak, but grabs Arnold into the tightest hug.)  
Man- Oh Arnold! Oh, my baby boy! I thought I'd never see you again! How did you find me!?  
Arnold- Dad!!   
Helga- (tear!) We had a lot of help.  
Man- Oh, wait until you're mother gets home!  
Arnold- (now pulling out of the hug, but still keeping they're arms locked) My...Mother?  
Man- Yes. She works in Tiki Town....but when she sees you!  
Arnold- Why...why did you never come back?  
Man- Oh Arnold, we tried...when we realized we could walk for miles and miles, and never see the ends to this jungle, we decided to just live with the community here...we knew my mother and father would take good care of you, and raise you right. We never stopped hoping that we would see you again some day....I never thought it would really be!  
Arnold- I'll never leave without you.   
Helga- Carm can take us all out of the jungle!  
Arnold- Yeah! and you could move back to the city with grandma, grandpa, and I! It will be great!  
Man- Oh...are my parents still alive!?  
Arnold- yes of course!  
Man- Well you two look about, what 18, 19...they would have to be...  
Helga- Actually we're nine.  
Man- What?  
Arnold- It's a long story. but we really are nine inside.  
Man- Nine! Oh thank God! I thought I missed you're entire childhood! Say, who is this lovely young lasy with you?  
Arnold- This...dad, this is the love of my life, Helga.  
Man- (shaking her hand) It's nice to meet you Helga.   
Helga- Likewise.  
Man- You two look wonderful together, just like you're mother and I.  
Arnold- I can't wait to meet her.  
Man- Well, let's make some lunch, and she should be home in a couple of hours!  
Arnold- Okay!  
  
Lila- Let me out!!!! SOMEONE!! Please!!!  
Voice- shhh!!! I'm coming in!  
Lila- Brainy?  
Brainy- Yeah, hang on...  
Lila- Where ever are you?  
Brainy- I'm in the air ducts. (breaks through a vent in the ceiling.) Come on!  
(Lila takes Brainy's hands, and they crawl though to another empty room)  
Brainy- Let's take off these body suits now.  
Lila- Okay.   
(They take off they're body suits, and nice fancy-shmancy clothes are underneath...unwrinkled, and undamaged in the slightest. Lila flicks her hair behind her, and they walk out. They sneak into the Teleport Room, and check the monitors.)  
Brainy- Arnold and Helga are in the jungle...is that...Arnold's father?  
Lila- Oh that's ever so sweet he got to meet his father!  
Brainy- Okay, where do you want to transport you and him?  
Lila- I think I want to teleport to him, and you take Helga away.  
Brainy- okay.  
(Helga and Lila switch places.)  
Helga- What the- Brainy!!!!!!????  
Brainy- My love,  
Helga- Get away from me! can't you just leave me alone!?  
Brainy- Okay. I will....but you have to come to dinner with me first.  
Helga- no deal.  
(he leans in to kiss her)  
Helga- NO! Okay, fine! I'll go to your lame dinner! Just don't touch me!  
Brainy- Fair enough.  
  
Man- Why, hello, who are you?  
Lila- I am ever so certain that I am Arnold's girlfriend.  
Man- You don't look like Helga to me!  
Lila- Oh, Helga's not really his girl, they just pretend sometimes.  
Man- I see. Omelet?  
Lila- Thank you ever so much!  
(plops one on a plate, and sets it in front of Lila. She eats dainty and sweet. Arnold comes into the room)  
Arnold- Lila!!? What are you doing here! 

Arnold- Lila!? What are you doing here!?  
Lila- Oh, Arnold, you're such a kidder!  
Man- Arnold, she tells me she is you're girlfriend. That's my boy! Don't get tied up with one girl, until you find the right one!  
Arnold- I did find the right one, and it's not HER!  
Lila- But Arnold!  
Arnold- No Lila! I've had enough!  
Man- Okay, let's just settle down, and talk about this...  
Lila- I agree.  
Arnold- There's nothing to talk about!  
Man- Arnold, please, sit down  
Arnold- fine.  
(Arnold sits. Lila plays footsie with him)  
Arnold- Lila, knock it off!  
Lila- What ever are you talking about, Arnold?  
Arnold- I know you were touching me with you're foot. Stop it!  
Man- Look...okay, Lila, why don't you tell me what's going on.  
Lila- Okay. Well, I am ever so certain that Arnold appeared outside my house. He seemed a little out of it, but when I said hello, he told me he loved me. So I told him of my feelings, and we slept together.  
Man- You what!? You...  
Lila- We slept in the same bed...  
Man- Oh! *sighs, and wipes his forehead*  
Arnold- and when I woke up, and realized where I was, I was mad!  
Man- Arnold, I'll let you talk next. Please, Lila, continue.  
Lila- Well, when he woke up, he seemed different...I thought he didn't get enough sleep. Then Helga showed up, and heard him telling me that he loved me again  
Arnold- No I didn't!  
Lila- and Helga got mad and dumped him  
Arnold- SHE DIDN'T DUMP ME!  
Man- Okay, Arnold, tell me you're side of the story.  
Arnold- *sighs* Okay. All I remember is talking to Helga, then the next minute, I was opening my eyes, and I was lying next the Lila. She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved Helga. She insisted that I said that I loved her, and when I said I didn't say that, she tricked me into saying that I loved her, and right when Helga was transported into the room! I told Helga I didn't say that, and she believed me! Because we're in love, and that's the way it goes! That's what REALLY happened!  
Man- Did you trick Arnold into saying that?  
Lila- I am ever so sure that I didn't. He said it on his own free will.  
Man- Well I don't know Arnold...  
Arnold- But dad! You're supposed to be on my side!  
Man- Well you're story is a bit far fetched, son.  
Arnold- I don't believe this!!!  
Lila- (talking quietly to her intercom radio) Mission accomplished...  
Brainy- Good work. I'll keep you posted...ten four.  
Man- I'm just going to go get something....out of my room.  
Arnold- Fine.  
(Man leaves.)  
Lila- (moving closer to Arnold) Arnold, why do you fight me?  
Arnold- because you're always starting the fights!  
Lila- Oh, you don't really think I meant for this to happen!  
Arnold- Yes I do. You probably teamed up with some other psycho, and you're both trying to tear me and Helga apart...well it's not going to work.  
Lila- Oh, but it has, Arnold.  
(Lila sits straddling Arnold again)  
Arnold- Lila, get off me now!  
Lila- (Cupping her hands under his chin) Oh, Arnold. I can be every bit as charming as Helga.  
Arnold- What? Helga's not charming!  
Lila- Oh, well...I can be lacking all nice qualities, like she is  
Arnold- Don't say that about her.  
Lila- Out of the way geek-bait. Of course I hate you football head! Crimeny, you really are stupid.  
Arnold- Lila...I'm warning you  
(Lila starts to wiggle, trying to 'excite' Arnold....it doesn't work. He's so turned off by her, it actually makes him sick)  
Arnold- Lila...  
Lila- Oh Arnold! I need you! (She pulls his hair.)  
Arnold- Ouch! Stop it!  
Lila- I want to feel every part of you, Arnold! Take me now!  
Arnold- the only place I'm taking you to is you're grave!  
Lila- Yeah...Yeah, Oh, talk dirty to me!  
Arnold- Stop moving so much!!! (He tries to contain her, but she's on a roll!)  
Lila- Touch me Arnold!  
Arnold- No!!!  
Lila- (taking his hand, and trying to get him to touch her boob) Please Arnold, I need you!  
Arnold- You need a good smack in the face! (Pulls his hand away)  
(Arnold's Dad comes back into the kitchen, having already heard everything from behind the door. He grabs a butcher knife, and throws it at Lila's back. She falls to the ground)  
  
Arnold- Nice shot!  
Dad- Thanks! You're mother taught me that.  
Lila- *gasping for air* Arnold...help me...  
Arnold- You did this to yourself!  
Lila- ....(pushes her intercom button) Brain...y...  
Brainy- Lila? Are you okay!?  
Lila- ...I'm...dying...  
(Brainy transports Lila back to him)  
  
Arnold- I'm glad that's over with!   
Dad- Yeah. What a bitch!  
Arnold- (Nods) now you know.  
Dad- Now all I want to know is, what happened to Helga?  
Arnold- You mean...she didn't run an errand for you...or..  
Dad- No! She just disappeared! And Lila took her place!  
Arnold- Oh no...Brainy...  
  
Brainy- (kneeling down to the bloody Lila) Lila! Oh, God! What has he done to you?  
Lila- ....he...his...dad...Knife...  
Helga- (to herself) way to go Arnold's Dad!  
Brainy- Hold on Lila, you'll be fine!  
Helga- not with that wound.  
Lila-...take....Helga....keep....her....forever....  
Brainy- I will...  
Helga- (Steps on the knife in Lila's back, making in stab her deeper) NO ONE OWNS ME, BUCKO!!!! (She steps away.) I just thought you should know that before you croak.  
(Lila dies...very painfully!!)  
All in Pepper Land- YAY!!!!  
Brainy- Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! Oh, this is all my fault! I should have never sent her to that damn jungle! I'll get him, if it's the last thing I do!  
Helga- Brainy....  
Brainy- What!!!!?  
Helga- Geez, chill out! I was just gonna say, You seem to care an awful lot about Lila...are you sure you didn't...love her?  
Brainy- Love her...? No, I love you!  
Helga- But...  
Brainy- And I'm taking you to the jungle, and you're going to watch Arnold, and his murdering father die!  
Helga- NOOOOO!!!!!  
(She screams, and kicks, as Brainy takes her by the wrist, and teleports them to the jungle. a little monkey sits on Helga's head again)  
Helga- Oh, not you again!  
Monkey- oo oo ahh ahh!  
Helga- (Whispering) Hey, can you help me?  
Monkey- Ah ah ah ah ooooooooo....  
Helga- Get some of you're big, and I'm talking BIG friends, to take out Brainy.  
Monkey- oooooo! oo oo oo!  
(Monkey jumps from Helga's head, and out into the jungle.)  
Helga- (I hope that worked...)  
Brainy- Let's go!  
  
(Brainy drags Helga though the jungle, towards Arnold's parent's house. Suddenly there is a rustling in the bushes)  
Brainy- What was that?  
Helga- I didn't hear anything.  
Brainy- Keep walking.  
Helga- Keep pulling...asshole...  
(the rustling is closer and louder. there is now a deep grumbling)  
Brainy- What the-  
(Suddenly Brainy is plowed over by huge apes, and baboons)  
Brainy- Ahhh!!! Get you're hands off me you damn dirty ape!  
Helga- Whoo!!! Go MONKEYS!!!  
(little monkey returns to Helga's head, and she darts off to Arnold)  
  
Helga- (Bursting though the front door. Out of breath) ARNOLD!!!!  
Arnold- HELGA!   
(He runs to her, and hugs her. She kisses him a million gazillion times all over his face.)  
Arnold- Oh Helga! I thought you were caught by Brainy!  
Helga- I was!  
Arnold- How did you get away?  
Helga- This little monkey dude had some connections that were very effective.  
Arnold- Oh I'm so glad you're okay!  
Helga- Me too! I saw Lila.  
Arnold- Yeah, my dad got her!  
Dad- (Bows) It's good to see you again Helga.  
Helga- It's good to see you too...er...what IS you're name?  
Dad- Miles.  
Arnold- Oh hey, I didn't even think about that! Miles!  
Helga- nice shot!  
Miles- Thanks.   
  
(Arnold and Helga don't let go of each other for a LOOOOONG time. They sit holding each other, walk around holding each other, talk holding each other, go to the bathroom with each other....What?! They're just SOOOO happy to see one another again!)  
  
Pixie~ (grumbles) Someone help me out, I'm having writers block.  
Carm~ Well, just think of a movie and incorporate it into the story.  
Pixie~ But, we've already done them all.  
  
Hmmmm ....  
  
"So, um ... Dad ... why did you never contact me, or try to see me at all. Why did you just leave me with Granpa and Grandma?" Arnold voice was full of heartache.  
Helga grasped his hand into her own. She knew this was a difficult topic for him.   
Miles fidgeted in his chair, "Well, the truth is ... we couldn't."  
"But, why?" Arnold asked.  
"Because ... um ..." suddenly an orchestra began to play in the back ground and Miles stood from his chair, "It's a little bit funny, Arnold, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I don't have much money, but boy if I did. I'd buy a big house where we both could live."  
Arnold and Helga both stared at Miles blankly.  
"Arnold, why is your father singing an Elton John song?"  
"Beats me ... I'm just as confused as you are." Arnold replied.  
Miles continued, "My gift is my song ... and this one's for you. And you can tell everybody ... this is your song. It may be quit simple, but that it's done. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind that I put down in words. How wonderful life is that you're in the world."  
The orchestra stopped playing and Miles sat back down sighing.  
"It's a curse Arnold. A damn curse that a gypsy girl, put on your mother in me. Every time we talk a song will eventually be worked into the conversation."

Helga- Well, I suppose there could be worse things right?  
Miles- (winks at Helga)  
Carm- (disembodied voice) Arnold? Helga?  
Arnold- Carm?  
Carm- Yeah, look, I'm sorry about the crazy transport problem. I hope it didn't cause too much chaos.  
Helga- Noooo...of course not! Everything was just fine and peachy!  
Carm- ...Shut up Helga. Listen I have to send you back home...  
Arnold- Home!? Why?!  
Helga- Yeah, can't we stay here?  
Carm- I'm afraid not. You're grandfather needs you. I promise you will see you're father again.  
Arnold- Well...can I at least say goodbye?  
Carm- Yes. I'll wait.  
Helga- Thanks...  
Miles- Well, go on and save the future, Arnold.  
Arnold- I feel terrible leaving already! I hardly got to know you at all!   
Helga- Except that you make omelets, and sing Elton Joel music.  
Miles- Elton John...  
Helga- Elton John, Billy Joel...what's the difference?  
Miles- (Rolls his eyes)  
Arnold- I'll miss you, dad.  
Miles- Oh, I'll miss you too Arnold, but don't worry! We'll see each other again! It's already promised! and next time you'll get to see you're mother too. She'll be just thrilled.  
Arnold- Okay. I'll be back soon!  
Miles- Okay, take care! Oh, and bring Helga with you too, next time!  
Helga- Thanks!  
Miles- (Winks)  
(Arnold and Helga disappear. and are now in Pepper Land)  
  
Carm- Welcome.  
Helga- Where are we?  
Pop- (chewing gum loudly) Pepper Land!  
Arnold- Oh, no! Not here again!   
Helga- You've been here?  
Arnold- Er..  
Carm- Yes, well...once we had a little, meeting, but we didn't keep him long.  
Helga- I see. So what are we doing here now?  
Pixie- HORSIES!!!! Oh...sorry...Hey, It's Arnold and Helga!  
Danie- Yay!  
Rookee- Hey, will you sign my magazine?  
Helga- (pushing Rookee) Shove off toots!  
Rookee- Helga snapped at me and pushed me! I'll never wash this arm again! (Passes out)  
Tyra- One down, a lot more to go!  
Carm- Okay, I just wanted to have you here, so we could gawk at you for a little while.  
Arnold- Oh...No...ice cream, right?  
Arana- Not yet.  
Carm- (elbowing Arana) Heh heh, no, of course not!  
Arana- Ow! bitch!  
Carm- You wanna take this outside?  
Arana- Bring it!  
Arnold- Um, can you take us to where we should be first?  
Carm- Oh, yeah...Pop, will you do the honors please?  
Pop- Oooo!!! Yes yes yes!  
(Pop raises her hands, and Arnold and Helga flash to Sunset Arms)  
  
Ernie- NO KOKOSHKA! I'M NOT LENDING YOU ANYMORE MONEY! NOW SCRAM!  
Arnold- *Sighs* Yup, I'm home!  
Helga- Crimeny, do they ever quit?  
Arnold- Nope  
Helga- Wanna move away with me?  
Arnold- Sure.  
(They go inside. Grandma is handing from the ceiling light in the kitchen. Grandpa has a broom in his hand)  
Grandpa- Come on down Pookie, There's no water.  
Grandma- The tide's coming out! Monsoon! Flood! Get to higher ground!  
Arnold- Hi Grandpa.  
Grandpa- Shortman! Hey, you always know how to solve things, here, take this broom, and bat Grandma down, and I'll catch her!  
Arnold- Grandpa!  
Helga- Sheesh, you'd think she was a Piñata!  
Arnold- Grandma, it's okay, you can come down.  
Grandma- Oh, Arnold! you're home! I'm so glad.   
(Grandma comes down.)  
Grandma- Well, time for dinner!  
Grandpa- How you do it, Shortman, will always amaze me.  
Arnold- Well, actually, I'm not hungry. I'd like to just go upstairs and sleep.  
Grandpa- Oh, well you're room isn't available anymore.  
Arnold- What? Whaddea mean?  
Grandpa- Well, you were gone for so long, I had to make some extra cash. So I got another boarder.  
Arnold- Great...  
Helga- It's okay Arnold, you can come sleep at my house.   
Arnold- Okay, Grandpa, Grandma, I'll be back tomorrow.  
Grandpa- Alright, see you Arnold. Be careful crossing the streets!  
  
(they leave and go to Helga's house. Bob is on the couch watching Soap TV, and Miriam is sleeping behind the couch.)  
Helga- Hey Bob, hey Miriam  
Bob- Where have you been missy?  
Helga- Out. I'm going to bed, don't bother me.  
Bob- Yeah, whatever.  
Miriam- Did someone say my name?  
Bob- No Miriam, go back to bed.  
Miriam- Oh, okay B.  
  
(Arnold follows Helga into her pink room. He was reminded of when he first stumbled upon her closet Rat repeller, and her pink poetry book)  
Arnold- You suppose you're rat repeller is still in the closet?  
Helga- (blushing) I doubt it.  
(Helga changes into a nightgown and lies down.)  
Arnold- This is where it all started...  
Helga- What?  
Arnold- This whole fanfic! It started when I brought over you're homework from school!  
Helga- Oh yeah!  
Arnold- Wow, a lot happens in a few days  
Helga- Tell me about it.  
(Arnold goes to her bed, and lies next to her. He kisses her, and they make not mad monkey sex, but nice hot sweet love...right in the middle...)  
*knock knock knock!*  
Bob- Helga! You in there!?  
Helga- Ack! Go away dad!  
Bob- Go away!? I need the universal remote!   
Helga- I'll give it to you tomorrow!  
Bob- NO WAY! My commercial comes on in five minutes!  
Helga- Then I'll give it to you in five minutes! GO AWAY!  
Bob- I want it now!  
(Bob barges in the door, and sees all...)


	15. Ponies!

*Bob barges in the door, and sees all... The monkeys on the floor!*  
  
Bob: What the hell? *sees the gang* Who are YOU?!  
Arana: Welcome to pepper land!  
Carmie: Yeah!  
Pop: Is he JUSTIN?! I WANT!!  
Rookee: No, Pop, he's not.  
Pixie: I'm a fairy!  
  
*Tyra slaps her forehead.*  
  
Tyra: I'm surrounded by idiots!  
  
*GIR runs in*  
  
GIR: THERE'S THAT BIMBO WHO BEAT ME AT CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH! DIE, YOU TALL MUTHAFUCKA!  
Arana: Hey, you little dancing piece of space junk, I beat you fair and square!  
GIR: Oh. Okay then, sorry.  
Pop: CAN WE RIDE THE PONIES?!  
  
*Carm slaps HER forehead. The others chime in*  
  
GIR: PONIES?! PONIES?! AND TACOS?! I WANNA EAT THE TACO PONY!  
Arana: Can we ride the ponies?!  
Carm: Fine, fine!  
  
*All shriek with delight, and run to the ponies. Bob is standing there with Carm, stricken*  
  
Bob: .....Can I ride the ponies too?!  
Carm: Whatever, you big monkey lover.  
Bob: WHEEE!!! PONIES!  
  
*Well, anyway, Arnold and Helga are makin' hot love... yeah... I'm not good at sex scenes, so let's just skip to when they're done!*  
  
Arnold: *Puts his hands behind his head on the pillow and sighs* Helga...  
Helga: Yes, Arnold?  
Arnold: I love you.   
Helga: *looks at him.* I know.  
*Han Solo opens the door with Princess Leia*  
Han: COPYCAT!!  
  
*Shuts the door. Arnold and Helga exchange glances. A small chihuahua named Hector runs in, spins around in circles, checks his schlong, and runs back out the door.*  
  
Arana: *from behind door* Sorry about that!  
Arnold: *rolls eyes* Why is it that whenever Arana gets a hold of the story, it turns into some insane... thing?  
Helga: She did kill me, Arnold, and have a gushy love-scene, and she also put you through a flogging session.  
Arnold: Yeah, yeah.  
  
*Suddenly, two chickens run in. One's orange and has a green hat. The other is a Rhode Island Red.*  
  
Rooster: Quick! You gotta hide us!  
Hen: Please?! She's right behind us!  
Arnold: Who?  
Hen: Mrs. TWEEDY!  
Helga: *groans and rolls her eyes* Chicken Run, Arnold... Chicken Run!  
Arnold: Yeah, they do that!  
Helga: No, the MOVIE, you DONUT HOLE!  
Arnold: Duurr... Donde esta el bano? Rurr... Tengo un gato en mi pantelones... El es come-ing mi zapatoes... LA CUCARACHA! LA CUCARACHA! A BURRITO BLAH BLAH BLAH! LA CUCURACHA! LA CUCURACHA! ENCHILADA BLAH BLAH BLAH! ...I like MEN!!! ME GUSTAN HOMBRES!  
Helga: ALL RIGHT, Arnold, CRIMINY! That isn't in the FUCKING script!  
Arnold: I bet that squirrel was surprised!  
Helga: WHAT?!  
Arnold: There's BACON outside!  
Helga: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  
Arnold: I have a belly button!  
Helga: Uh... I'm gonna go have a crush on Hector (the dog) now... Bye...  
Carrot Top: Hey there, Juliet, wanna make a new balcony scene?  
Arnold: FISH SUCK ON MY BIG TOE WHEN I PUT CHEESE ON IT!  
Helga: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
Rocky (Rooster): Okay, did I miss something?  
Ginger (hen): No, Arana's writing the story.  
Rocky: Oh, right.  
Arnold: WHEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!  
GIR: *runs in from the hall* LET'S GET NEKKIDD!  
Arnold: I'M ALREADY NEKKIDD!  
  


*GIR strips off his little doggie suit*  
  
GIR: WE'RE BOTH NEKKIDD!   
Both: WHEE HOO!  
  
*Mrs. Tweedy comes in and sees Helga laying in her bed, naked, Rocky and Ginger standing in a corner, seriously freaked out, and Arnold and GIR dancing in the middle of the room, stark nekkidd.*  
  
Mrs. Tweedy: I ain't even gonna ask...  
  


*she leaves*  
  
*ALL OF A SUDDEN... They hear a crash! Suddenly, they are in some sort of... opera house. Arnold and Helga are dressed in 1800's garb.*  
  
Voice: *from nowhere* BEHOLD! She is singing to bring down the chandelier!  
  
*A woman screams, and only a quick glimpse of a black cloak is the only sight they have of the perpetrator. Arnold looks up and sees the chandelier, then shoves Helga out of the way. It falls only inches from them, shattering all over the floor*  
  
Arnold: WHAT WAS THAT?!  
Helga: I'll give you three guesses as to what we're in now.   
  
*Arnold gives her a blank look*  
  
Helga: Here's a hint: PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

*Arnold suddenly disappears. Helga starts to freak out.*  
  
Helga: Arnold? ARNOLD?!  
Magical disembodied voice: Hello... I am the magical disembodied voice...  
Helga: You're just Arana, dip shit.  
Arana: Fine, fine, just ruin all my fun! Anyway, don't worry about Arnold... he's on his way back down... right after we have ARNOLD SUNDAES!  
Helga: WHAT?!  
Arana: Love to chat more, but-  
Carm: HEY, ARANA, WE'RE GONNA PUT HIM IN A SPEEDO!  
Arana: OOH! WAIT FOR ME! I PROMISE I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE I DID! (Heh, Carmie...)  
Helga: Speedo?! WAIT! NOOOOO!  
  
*Gerald suddenly appears, this time, HE'S Raoul. Helga puts her hands on her hips*  
  
Helga: What, is this some kind of joke?  
Gerald: Wh-where am I?  
Helga: Wait a minute... He's RAOUL?! That's no fair! Christine is supposed to run off with Raoul in the end!   
Arana: Helga you bitch! You're not supposed to tell!  
Helga: Tough noogies, you big donut hole!  
Arana: Donut hole? OOOH! THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT TOPPING! HEY, POP! GET THE DONUT HOLES!  
Bob: *Voice* PONIES!  
GIR: *voice* PONIES!!  
Bob and GIR: *voice* PONIES!!!  
  
*Helga slaps her forehead*  
  
Helga: Wait, if Gerald's Raoul, who's Erik?  
  
*An evil cackle is hears and a shadowed figure swings on the cord that the chandelier was on. It is a masked, football-headed hero. Helga is pulled in a trace.*  
  
Helga: *singing "The Phantom Of The Opera"... the title song... DOI!*  
In sleep he sang to me,   
In dreams he came!  
That voice which calls to me,  
And speaks my name,   
And do I dream again?  
For now I find,  
The Phantom of the Opera is there,   
Inside my mind!  
  
*Football-headed figure rips off his mask and head, to reveal...*  
  
Gerald: Arana?! YOU'RE THE PHANTOM?!  
  
Arana: *Also singing the title song*  
Sing once again with me,  
A strange duet,  
My power over you,  
Grows stronger yet!  
And though you turn from me,   
To glance behind,  
The Phantom of the Opera is there,  
Inside your mind!  
  
*Gerald gets really annoyed by all this romantic singing, especially between TWO GIRLS!!*  
  
Gerald: *singing to the title song music*  
I've never ever,  
Seen this play before,  
And quite frankly,   
It's all a bore....  
And now two girly-girls,  
Are confessing their love,  
And all these musical lyrics,  
Fit in my glove!  
  
*Music stops suddenly. Arana stops swinging, leaps down and lands gracefully on her feet before Gerald. Helga is broken out of her trance. Both of them glare at him.*  
  
Gerald: *shrugs* What? I was making this stuff up off the top of my head!  
  
*Hear another evil cackle*  
  
*Big Patty walks up.*  
  
BP: Silence, you little TOAD!  
  
*Dramatic music starts up.*  
  
Evil, haunting, and taunting voice, and yet still vaguely familiar (all at the same time!): A TOAD, Madame? It is YOU who are the toad!  
  
*Big Patty turns her nose up*  
  
Big Patty: *Singing* You cannot speak! But kiss me in my husband's- *croaks*  
  
*A soft, evil cackle is heard*  
  
Gerald: Man! Arana, stop that!  
Arana: *grins and shrugs* It wasn't me!  
Helga: Bullshit!  
Arana: Okay, well, if it was me, than WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!  
  
*The all turn to see...*  
A mysterious, evil figure in a black leather cat suit jumped out at them. Helga recognized who it was at once. "The Ultimate Evil..." she murmured.  
"That's right. It's me, Lila." Lila cackled as she shot them a menacing smile.  
"But I thought Arnold's dad killed you!" Arana pondered, confused as usual.  
"Wait...you guys met Arnold's dad?" Gerald asked.  
"Doi!" came Helga's reply.  
"Was I there?" he asked again, trying to remember the past...how long has it been?  
"Silence!" Lila screeched. She whipped a James Bond-y type gun from its holster at her waist. "All I did was love Arnold just ever so much and because of all you, I haven't been able to make him realize he loves me just oh-so much. Which is why I think it's time you paid for what you've done."  
"That still doesn't explain how you're standing in front of us, alive," Arana remarked.  
"Simple. I'm not the real Lila. I'm a Mecha Lila, created by none other than Brainy," the mecha-girl told them.  
"Oh, so that's why you've got cheap silcone," Helga said dryly. "But wait...Brainy's in love with me. He wouldn't send you to kill me."  
"I was just getting to that," the Lila-bot said. "You're coming with me. Brainy's looking forward to seeing you just ever so much. Now, the living afro here is dying simply because he's oh-so annoying-"  
"Hey!" Gerald responded.  
"And Arana here will be seeing red because...well, frankly, I don't like the idea of anyone else enjoying an Arnold sundae but me."  
  
Back in Pepperland, Carm was grabbing some ice cream from the fridge.  
"Couldn't you just magically conjure up ice cream?" Pop asked her.  
"It wouldn't be brand name then," Tyra replied for Carm. Carm dropped a carton of vanilla and as she bent over to pick it up, she looked down.  
"Hey, look! Lila's back!" she informed everyone. "I guess we'll have to send them somewhere else."  
  
Just as the Mecha Lila was about to shoot Gerald and Arana, they and Helga were magically transported to what looked like a school hallway.  
"Great. School," Helga grumbled.  
"It's not P. S. 118 though," Gerald told her.  
"Maybe it's skool," Arana offered.  
"Arana, has anyone ever told you you're a dimwit?" Helga asked. She was about to say something else when a blond girl with pigtails came up to her.  
"Ooh! I like your hair!" The girl remarked. "It goes bouncity-bounce!"  
"Once again, I'm trapped in loser city," Helga said.  
"I dunno. I kind of like it here," Arana said. "It's nice and clean. Plus there are Ultra Cola vending machines everywhere. Look, there's one!" Arana trotted over to one while Helga stood in the middle of the hall, her arms crossed over her chest.  
"Quinn, get a load of that fashion no-no!" A brunette pointed out Helga's dress to her redheaded friend. An Asian girl and another brunette with her hair in braids followed them. Helga raised the Five Avengers high.  
"You wanna make something of it, Barbie?" she asked the girl.  
"Where the heck are we?" Gerald wondered aloud, paying no attention to Helga's confrontation or Arana happily counting out change to stick in the machine.  
"You're stuck in Lawndale." Gerald turned around to see a girl wearing a trench coat and a grave expression to match.  
"Who are you?" he asked.  
"That's top secret. However, some call me Teenage FBI," she told him, her brown eyes seeming to glow. "And I can get you out of here. You can go see Phoebe again and Helga can find her beloved Arnold. All you have to do is trust me."  
  
  



End file.
